‘rogue’ lies with the eyes if only I was so talented she levels me without speech destroys all my reasons shatters my walls crumbling knees buckling not literally but underneath, she knows consciousness wrecked suave turned sweat
notes… you’ve been there, helpless and stopped cold in your usual bullshit, the bullshit that works with everyone else but not her but she likes you anyway, it is more a perception, a feeling, a tingling, that “ah ha” moment, she gets it, you, THE YOU, you can stop pretending…. but you don’t… to a point, you should…
“for I am“ in the dawn of my dying days awaiting my birth to be reborn for I am truly and forever yours sustenance brought unto your shores may heavenly vision shun your eyes so I may pass and grant refuge, for you sacrifice to the bearer so you may go, along that river for I am truly and forever yours for divine light shall strip my flesh bare strip by strip and cook my bones so I might spare you a moment of death I will gladly suffer the tolerance the toll no burden shall fail to fall for I am truly and forever yours dare I face the gauntlet of god inside the crucible of a dying star collapsing pressure beyond all humanity before and gone all so you may walk upon a golden gossamer waking dawn may all your suffering be laid upon my door for, I am, my love, yours truly and forever more
notes… part of my lost love letters collection where I contemplate her, the one, my only true ex whom I will hold some love at some level forever, the LLL works are compiled on my collections and series page (scroll down a touch), so if you like this one check out the others, I try to keep everything current, however this is a hobby, an outlet, a needed one, I admit, but sometimes life butts in, you know, how it has a tendency to do…
music…. (something about the guitar sound just sounds like pain to me, the vocals for “what’s inside says” just rules, it begins to rock and then subdues)
enamored if my words were silk sheets wrapped around your naked skin sultry eyes, captivation luring time as clock hands spin step outside my own dimension desire two makes one by my own extension hairs on end at attention
notes… a slightly different tact this week kind of like last week but not, remembering the absence of presence, waking up every day next to her, seems like someone else’s dream these days and certainly not reality or my own memory anymore…
a slightly different tact this week, lost love? to be sure, but perhaps a bright light to disarm the night, to lead forth into the day… perhaps, such is the gift of remembrance at times…
“butterfly“ I saw a butterfly a wandering circles in flowing long loops in patterns somehow familiar so long has this been for I recognize in this, her this many years was this my life in that other lifetime like a dream embedded in my memory your dropped note and all that was is now at my front door my first love before I knew what love was all wrapped in new circumstance the warm naivete of innocence ah, I feel it now sweet jo where have you been that different life tangent what could have been and still this feels the same I remember well our time even if your name has faded from my every day and days indeed your note brought this all back holding your hand your gentle touch the electricity conducted through oh my first love how have you been? so many possibilities on life’s divergent path has crossed ours once more if only for a chat
notes… my first real love sent me a note recently, it was quite unexpected and out of the blue, amazing to have something still stirring there inside after all these years, buried somewhere deep in the years of me but not gone, I was just a kid but I remember distinctly so much, she fell asleep in my lap as we watched TV at her mother’s house, I felt she trusted me fully at that point and it was just a life affirming moment, little things, it is always the little things that are the binding… and the things we miss…
I am the saint to my sins the almighty absolver unable to bend the knee and forgive for penance does not placate the past nor clear the tomes, so written
let the sky fall let the stars drop down up from the heaven break onto the ground for, I have lost her
let my blood dry in a dead river bed let my last breath escape prepare my soul for departure for, I have lost her
with such clarity after all this wandering a clutched mirage might I lay down and rest now let my mind release for, I have lost her
note…. my weekly nod to the romantic side, a side that has been waning but is always hopeful
music… King’s X – Goldilox(a lost 80s rock ballad but some get it… have you ever seen an audience sing the whole song? and this is what it is like at a KX concert over the years)
“Shower in the AM” memory trigger every day I engage in this morning ritual today, flashed to the past -a quite unexpected break, from the norm
hot waterfalls flowing down the curved contours of your back and my hands float soap foam follows and accents down, your palms upon on my chest jet hair black back our eyes lock sensual glare our bodies locked bare knowing someone else’s body as close as yours in this downpour
I remember our apartment room for two and a zoo, the time we were together, in love
a simple shower a tiny detail of that life I had forgotten, tried to forget how could I have forgotten the reminder back to the present. you are not here – I dry off, and go to work.
notes… this is a very personal one, I wrote it back in may, completed it (as it were) today, sort of just a revision, I don’t know if I will ever shake her, probably not honestly, I hope for her sake she has forgotten me, I don’t wish anyone to be mired in this, sometimes I feel it like an anchor but tell myself I have not drowned so it can not be… it can not be… for I am here, I am trying to love her and yet allow for love to replace what is gone by my own hand, so there is guilt there, and truth, and love… I wish I had the strength to just cut through it all like I know I have to… but I don’t, I am searching, and I am optimistic, I am always optimistic…
I dare you to find a finer vocalist… jasmine is friggin ridiculous. This tune was the theme song for perhaps one of the best anime series ever made – LAIN, it is like the matrix on crack, watch it, it is heady and smart.. and the soundtrack? well… astounding…
and .. thanks for all the likes, comments, quiche recipes and whatnot… I am enjoying interacting with you all, thanks (I bowed).
at this moment the sun is veiled behind a mass of pulled cotton and slowly revealed, in setting an everlasting bulb, I might wish a night wish to witness the super nova that will end all, here at least for at least in that end I will have one more moment to share with you, my love before that great end, with you.
notes… I think we all have fantasies about such, maybe not, but probably, or at least us artistic types, or those of us that live in our head, it is probably better to be an automaton, maybe, I vacillate between wanting to be ignorant and the knowing… but I really don’t have a choice anyway, unless someone bashes me in the head with the proverbial frying pan or age robs me of my rapier whit… I just need to breathe in deep and accept everything, not surrender mind you, but just accept things as they are and concentrate on what I actually have control over… and let go of which I do not.
talk about evolution, I imagine many fans of this band are like WTF? but… they are so good musically and show it here, I like that they have evolved completely away from the start, static is boring, I hate boring…
“now that you are gone I have nowhere to go not a tombstone nor a site or a place to be by your side in this life I dwell alone in a funeral in late fall sliding into the cold I call (I call)”
notes… how do you re-wire yourself? Or fix your own wiring? Is it even possible? I know the love I speak of I destroyed by my own hands but have always felt it was still there, even if nascent, am I right that she was the “one” (probably not), so many things had to happen for us to meet, so many variables, different lifestyles (me moving 1000 miles from home), my soul feels instructed but my mind feels obstructed by the same thoughts, logic is a great thing but is by definition counter-intuitive and I remain (here). If you are looking for answers from me, don’t, I can only provide my experience for you to process. If that is what you are looking for to inform your world, than, welcome, and take a chair, can I offer you a drink? sit back, enjoy. (I wrote this poem 8.31.2018 but it only hit me now to post it).
Shades of My Garden 