lost.love.letters.

lost.love.letters.

young woman near window in living hall
Photo by Olya Kobruseva on Pexels.com

the lady in waiting, trade in a life for the dream, so clear, a portrayal of all love inside a movie scene, i always thought it would be you, a quiet painted green wooden porch, the type of porch that encompasses all around the house, peeling paint on all the edges of door and window frames, buckled from years of the seasons beatings, a backdrop to all the reasons, the creaking rocker swing, and there we are, looking out at a long field of green grasses, something like a farm, harmonized by the subtle magic of the grass swaying, for a jersey boy a strange thought perhaps, maybe this is some sort of rockwell archetype (or hummel) etched in me somewhere at my core, a typical apple pie american bucolic scene, and my mind shifts…
maybe the shore, the ocean, the beach with no one else around, the gulls sounds across the dunes, I suppose miles of swaying grass resembles the sea after all, the same calming feeling ensues, wind waves undulating on, perhaps she waits there for me, or am I waiting for her to arrive, here at, the sunset of our lives, a sun sinks below into the depths, seagulls become just black angle angels hovering against the glow, tired and quiet now, there is just the sound of the waves break, the pulse, the true deep heartbeat of the earth herself, and your hand, I can feel the warmth from what blood is left, our eyes locked out to the seascape, as if we are one, and we are, because that is what I wish this to be, my lady in waiting, my love, I will come for thee, if I have to cross the face of god or the scour the body of the universe – for you, I will, I will come, to spend those last moments with you – as one, I will walk barefoot across the surface of the sun, burn all that remains save my soul for the return, for I will journey on, until, I am once more with you, my love, my lady in waiting.

lost.love.letters.

lost.love.letters.

photo of a pathway in a forest
Photo by Artem Saranin on Pexels.com

a prayer for her,
for let the ground
upon which her feet may rest
be bound in all the world’s blessing,
may light so shine and guide her way
forever to seek safe passage
until that day when I might be
with her once more in passing


notes… and indeed I do miss her, and long for our coming together, if it may ever happen as it once did, I can only imagine….

lost.love.letters.

lost.love.letters.

planet earth
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

let the core of this earth
be as is my heart
a world
existing only
for you, eden-born
my love, my gemini, for I am bound
as my soul, to this dirt
from which I come
which I came to know you,
forever the poles
as they track the sun
until all light fades
my love shall remain
until the dying collapse
that will end all days
so-
I will be with you
forever.

notes… this is meant to be staccato in rhythm, in beats, at least that is the way, it reads, to me, and I meant, to write it, that way… but always for her, for her, the one I will always love, until the day, the day I die.

fickle… (I know, I should work on these post titles, but honestly, you are going to read this or not)

fickle… (I know, I should work on these post titles, but honestly, you are going to read this or not)

nature garden grass lawn
Photo by Skitterphoto on Pexels.com

So, bear with me, I took the pause this morning (a brief respite to try and take things in before diving into my ‘meaningful’ daily life), and admittedly this morning was a much better view than last, an exceptional one perhaps, the frost was rightly appointed on the lawn begging for attention in the twenty  seven degree nation, I just do not have some snappy metaphor on my tongue for the description this morning, the sun was as bright as can be in the winter, just barely peaking out over the crest of the house roof, right in my eyes but not blinding, the dog decides to do a barrel roll in the grass, something she does, always has, I never understood it, but she enjoys it, at least that is my perception, perception is reality, no, reality is reality, I call her inside and get in the car, the ice has formed some perfect snowflake structures on my windshield, not enough to obstruct my view and require scraping, just that nice frosting on the bottom half, the sky is real blue, that nearly singular screaming blue you tell yourself is a ‘perfect sky’, the type of blue you would book online if you could, but somehow, something is missing, at least today, I feel I am in that zone where all cliches seem to be failure, or at least pale platitudes, ignorance is bliss, no, it is just being unaware so you slip into bliss as the other options are not options available at the time, better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, so they say, file this in the bliss/ignorance category,I can feel it pulling, my emotional compass strongly points to her, just one of those things, regardless of the beauty of the day, am I forcing my mood or is this just a natural state, I choose to indulge my staircase downward, tune the tunes to tunes that make me reminisce, you can’t hug a photograph, you can’t caress a dream, but in my mind I wind up doing all these things, I just keep reliving that moment, a kiss to the forehead as I said that goodbye, frozen in time still, a singular moment I can not seem to escape but for forgetting for bits of times, I know I should not dwell there, but I do, I try to think of a see saw, the one side seems heavier down with regret, but to that end would have never led without the love and experience with her itself, every path has an end, we have to traverse the path, this is no linear equation though, there is always a slope downward, time is not a staircase upwards, always onward downward, just the way it works, I suppose my mood is not lifted by the industrial ugliness lining the jersey turnpike as I drive, all crowned by that ultra blue sky, cement dominant boundaries, oil containers, factories, foul smoke rising, that burning flame, drowning in the sameness, lost in thought, locked in a jail of my own thought in this tin box plodding the road along, the rational whispering to remember to savor being alive at all, true, but truth does not always tuck you in to calm, even if you know it should…

lost. love. letters.

lost. love. letters.

black bird perching on concrete wall with ocean overview
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Pexels.com

“dream”
in decay
I can feel your breath
on the back my hand
as I caress your cheek
your stark black hair framed
in soft white light you exist
my angel
everything I need to know
you tell my with your eyes
everything I ever needed
my love
in bed, on my side
just staring into your eyes
this is all I ever wanted
this moment is all I ever had
for a dream once real
this feels of then
don’t let me wake
let this be my death

*part of an ongoing series, my heart beat as it were, if you like this then please check out the rest (scroll down a hair)… thanks for all looks, likes, comments, all that. oh, and yeah, line 9 is not a typo, it is there because I let words out for the reader to fill in… “my …”  when you are expecting “me” there, just sayin…

lost.love.letters…

lost.love.letters…

clouds dark dramatic heaven
Photo by Adam Kontor on Pexels.com

for I am
in the dawn of my dying days
awaiting my birth to be reborn
for I am
truly and forever yours
sustenance brought unto your shores
may heavenly vision shun your eyes
so I may pass
and grant refuge, for you
sacrifice to the bearer
so you may go, along that river
for I am
truly and forever yours
for divine light shall strip my flesh bare
strip by strip and cook my bones
so I might spare you
a moment of death
I will gladly suffer the tolerance the toll
no burden shall fail to fall
for I am
truly and forever yours
dare I face the gauntlet of god
inside the crucible of a dying star
collapsing pressure beyond all
humanity before and gone
all so you may walk upon
a golden gossamer waking dawn
may all your suffering be laid upon my door
for, I am, my love, yours
truly and forever more

notes… part of my lost love letters collection where I contemplate her, the one, my only true ex whom I will hold some love at some level forever,   the LLL works are compiled on my collections and series page (scroll down a touch), so if you like this one check out the others, I try to keep everything current, however this is a hobby, an outlet, a needed one, I admit, but sometimes life butts in, you know, how it has a tendency to do…

music…. (something about the guitar sound just sounds like pain to me, the vocals for “what’s inside says” just rules, it begins to rock and then subdues)

lost. love. letters.

lost. love. letters.

abandoned ancient antique architecture
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

went unsaid
but mere words I thought
my deeds the weight of motion
so I thought
now the deepest wound
the unhealed hole
is roughly hewn by hands known
went unsaid
and never will
a numbness until my death
carried lumber unto my bed
pulled by mules on carts
wheels churned in sand
the further I go
the closer I come
all that is past
can not be undone
regardless of prayer
or passing seasons
some joyous more than some
but still
left inside –
went unsaid


notes… my weekly delve into the depths of my heart and the loss thereof, how I squandered love, true love, I am not saying there is nothing beyond, but experience tells me it will never be as easy as it was with her, it just ‘fit’, hard to explain it just was, which drives my logic side insane but adds infinite fuel to my romantic side… in other words it drives me nuts…