my beautiful flower for what have I done poisoned my garden ’till kingdom come
notes… since my father passed I have been posting photos on my facebook page daily, and of course I wound up running across photos of her, mirsa, my true love, the major screw up I can never mend, well, I hope but that was many years ago, time is supposed to mend or heal, not so much here, I try not dwell but honestly it is always there, somewhere, some days just rise and it is all I can think about, just happened to coincide with V-day, I used to make her special meals, with red themes, heart shaped veg or the like, always something ambitious, I miss those days, but I am still here and there are days ahead, so that has to be my focus, but seeing those old photos, the closeness, her holding me and me her, in addition to my old dog, Chestnut, whom I loved so very much, and made mistakes like any first time parent, memories, of all the animals we had, practically a zoo, birds (amazon yellow front, parakeet, parotlet, monk parakeet), a degu, pacus, turtles (mississippi mud and soft shell), a mexican tarantula, a sugar glider and a texas ground squirrel… yeah it was pretty nuts, and I leaving out the scorpions and betas… retrospect always breeds romanticism, but who am I to argue with my own feelings? but accept them.
you are my sunrise the realization of the dawn my reason to awaken, my eyes travel over – to your pillow tracing down your sleeping form and I answer an angel at my door sleeping-soft-pose I wonder of what you are dreaming or, am I ?
as I might contemplate that last moment before I leave this plane and wonder my last thought will I see you oh lord will I see my love once more
on a beam of light so singular in this life left bereft of completion longing to be whole again the separation and we pray to write, unite a fabled ending
and I must confess my faith wavers doubt simmers for I am just a man but I look to the sky to the sun to the stars to you oh lord will I see my love once more.
notes... been awhile since I opined for my love (her), other things, life going on, I suppose, but it is always there, isn’t it? just under the surface, always there like a shadow beat to my heartbeat, like an echo to my every thought reverb, my love I hope you are well and content, wherever you are these days… (from a poem perspective this was me being deliberate and staccato, something I do sometimes to hear the timing in my mind)
the dampness in my heart has been replaced by a restless cough born, of barren ash once blood did flow a river of hope life in – pump by pump deadened – to a still birth a trickle down you are gone, my love and so I evolve into the ground
notes… sometimes I get caught in themes or a mode of thought, the world could be celebrating but I exist in my own head, as we all do, sometimes retreat feels like the obvious option, but yet I persist in moving forward with anchors of the past, so I must have hope in there somewhere in all the despair, there is always hope, I search for the light, and I often fail but I aim for the light, I do.
let the core of this earth be as is my heart a world existing only for you, eden-born my love, my gemini, for I am bound as my soul, to this dirt from which I come which I came to know you, forever the poles as they track the sun until all light fades my love shall remain until the dying collapse that will end all days so- I will be with you forever.
notes… this is meant to be staccato in rhythm, in beats, at least that is the way, it reads, to me, and I meant, to write it, that way… but always for her, for her, the one I will always love, until the day, the day I die.
how long how long did you wait for me to come home to come back. alone.
she is always in there somewhere, entwined with my DNA, never far from the surface, even under the weight of the undergrowth of so many years, there are times I forget, but there are more times I remember, this is a lost.love.letter.
to remember contours, lying naked together in bed moonlight penetrates sliding through the window slits onto your exposed skin the base of my palm begins in the small of your back tracing upwards curling my fingers slightly so the tips track between your shoulders until they breach the rise of your neck pausing at your hairline turning to cradle your head towards mine no eyes as lips guide and we are one for a moment in time.
“nothing now or forever will replace you, my love for in my heart you ever dwell forever one or nothing more forever one or never will”
notes… part of my series (scroll down a bit), I had a dream today, a real feel dream and she, her, the one actually touched me, pinched me, and her wry smile shined, I know, seems cliche, but where she pinched me was not, it was shocking, the whole thing was like being in a different life, a different dimension, but damn it felt so real, like those dreams where you fall and wake up scared, I woke up…. inspired and full of love, of her.
“dream” in decay I can feel your breath on the back my hand as I caress your cheek your stark black hair framed in soft white light you exist my angel everything I need to know you tell my with your eyes everything I ever needed my love in bed, on my side just staring into your eyes this is all I ever wanted this moment is all I ever had for a dream once real this feels of then don’t let me wake let this be my death
*part of an ongoing series, my heart beat as it were, if you like this then please check out the rest (scroll down a hair)… thanks for all looks, likes, comments, all that. oh, and yeah, line 9 is not a typo, it is there because I let words out for the reader to fill in… “my …” when you are expecting “me” there, just sayin…
so here I am broken and old I left you so long ago but never could untether my soul I will tell my grand children about you should I have them like a fairy tale like a fable I hardly believe myself, anymore “for I was once in love with the most beautiful girl in all the world” for she was and so you are, still age and time has not stolen that vision in my eyes blind your such simple perfection gifted unto me a brilliant burning helium core of the brightest star and now you are, just that up in my sky distant but always there to guide my heart upward to the north, a path to one day I might depart upon and reunite, with you my love my heart, my love, I await our reunion even if, I know this will never come.
notes… as I fall into routine, this has been my thursday night thing lately, no guaranty it will stay, but it seems ok to reflect on her once a week even if she is on my mind more than that.