the afterlife, after life, or life after… (a pondering, a vision)…

the afterlife, after life, or life after… (a pondering, a vision)…

view of dark hallway
Photo by Aidan Roof on

…perhaps the problem is in the name itself, the name is a supposition, meaning that we are calling this life, and then ‘something‘ after, maybe the real answer is that this is just a phase of overall life not the end all be all .
for most of this phase of life, I must admit I have been focused on the possibility that there is nothingness after conventional death, that my life has zero significance and it will be as if I never existed forever after this – gone… – forever…, at times this has given me what feels like a panic attack, my breathing shortens, my chest seizes, a get a bit dizzy, it feels real and paralyzing, to combat this over the years I have tried to rationalize the options, I’ve looked at a myriad of religions, none fit (for me, if they work for you, I have no problem with that and am happy for you, genuinely), there was a time I settled on just knowing a few things:


-I do/have actually existed
-all humans great or garbage have gone down the same path
-matter is not created or destroyed so regardless some part of me goes on, in some form
-we know very little of the universe as smart as we think we are, so there is volumes of knowledge out there to explore


assorted color led lights
Photo by Toni Cuenca on

Sometimes this has been enough, sometimes not, because even if I, my atoms, my molecules, my materials become something else (or more perhaps… or less more likely), even if I become something else my consciousness, the ‘me’ is gone, and that is what rattles me to the core, it always has, and I don’t understand how most people are not the same, afraid of this dire outcome, this inevitable end, for all time, perhaps it is better that way.


focus photography of sun
Photo by Ali Arapoğlu on

So that brings me to tonight, and the term ‘afterlife’, and it made me realize that yes, vast nothingness is a possible outcome, but so is a phase of life we just do not understand, call it a vision if you like, I call it a picture in a dream I had, I imagined that upon my death, my body opened up like an egg, and a form of myself burst forth like a blue phoenix (I can not explain the particulars, I am just reporting them), a blue phoenix with a long tail like cosmic dust, as if you grabbed a nebula and pulled the cosmic cloud around back and forth, and the phoenix raced forth to explore the universe, no longer what we consider human, a higher form, I felt that is what we are meant to do, to discover the universe, in all the corners, in a different dimension, soaring among the stars, it felt calming and reassuring as if it came from some other source than my brain, is that likely? my logical self says no, but my logical self also can say that I do not have the knowledge to really make the call, there are many things we don’t understand in this life, we don’t remember being in the womb, but certainly were there for almost a year residency, then we had this phase of life which we are living in now, perhaps the next phase is the same way, this may be just another gestation period, different than the previous but no less real, and then the next birth happens, or evolution of our being, into something else, would we look back to the previous phase and look to talk to it ? perhaps, perhaps not, based on looking at this experience of life.

analysis blackboard board bubble
Photo by Pixabay on

Is this an answer? no. Just something that occurred to me tonight, something floating through my mind (as it is always working on the puzzle of this life). My fate will be the same either way, but sometimes there is an outcome we may not have considered… and I surely will still ponder on the subject, well, until the answer is quite apparent, and I am quite gone, either moving on or moving never lost to forever. I prefer to hope for the next phase of life, not afterlife, the next-life, the next phase…

Music to ponder the universe and all existence…

Carbon Based Lifeforms – Derelicts

As usual, all feedback is appreciated…. this one is a little out there, but, so are we, floating on this little blue marble at the edge of a galaxy among countless, beyond countless others… 



beach woman sunrise silhouette
Photo by Pixabay on

“the life I wear
wear on myself
and worn
broken in
no longer comfortable
in this skin
and may be never was
what I was sold
to believe”

notes… ok, had to be a word nerd (I am an unabashed dork of vocabulary), accouterments is just one of those little, ok, big words I adore (*gush*) , I wrote this back in may, totally forgotten by none other than me, until today (obviously),  I went back and looked through pages and pages of material (my mess of journals)… I wrote new stuff today but… somehow this hit me to post after I got home from work tonight (now, I was doing an install in Fort George NYC), I had to move equipment that was in place for 10+ years… and it has done my allergies no favors… dust bunnies are not cute, or furry, and damn they mess me up… in other news I got lost a bit in the neighborhood (I don’t know this particular part of Manhattan that well) and I wound up in Fort Tryon Park… damn I wish I had the time to share the views… you bet your ass I will be revisiting and getting some photos and video up there…

musical choice for the evening…

Toad the Wet Sprocket – Walk on the Ocean (live, acoustic forbes studio)

inspiration by the wild.

inspiration by the wild.

beautiful environment field flora
Photo by Mina-Marie Michell on

grown in your own soil
grown at your own pace
I wonder
how you chose, the colors
of your house
and your brothers, sisters there
all of the same house
entwined with your neighbors
burst forth
this short season
in the warming light
reach up
to the warming light”

music tonight ? OK, gonna be obvious, and simple, and I love this song due to the simplicity, I can imagine reading/writing to it… and maybe I did…

>>> Tom Petty – Wildflowers

all thanks, likes and musical suggestions are welcome, come on people, turn me on to some stuff I don’t know, I doubt you know someone with the musical pallet of me, electronic, death metal, classical, ambient.. and that’s just tuesday…  as always, thanks for looking…


on the silly/lighter side of poetry…

on the silly/lighter side of poetry…

macro shot photography of gray and brown squirrel on brown wood
Photo by Adriaan Greyling on

“across the way, there-
four squirrels on the lawn
I have never seen so many gathered
and get so well along
they must be plotting
I can feel it in my bones
four squirrels over yon
what are they waiting for
I know what they seek
they are trying to lull my senses
lower my defenses
into, sleep
“not this day! not on my watch!”
four squirrels taunt
and shake their tails
I know they look to this now
a bounty untouched
but fierce resistance I shall muster
as long as fallen ramparts allow
so I watch
and pace the trunk about and pace
I await
four squirrels looking to plunder”

(the thoughts of a worried chipmunk)

notes… sometimes just a visual triggers my art, this is that, I found it silly, but also there is metaphors there, everything is scale, we think we are on top of all the world, but we are left to the same devices, but at least, we can smile, and realize our status.

music.. ok, out of the box for me…

>>> Billy Joel (some long island guy) – Pressure

as usual, all thoughts, likes, questions, odd stares, stink eye moments and genuine love… is all appreciated, if you made it this far, you have my thanks, and I would buy you a drink if you were two stools down, a virgin mary? sure, whatever you desire…

A pier, a view… Manhattan in all glory…

A pier, a view… Manhattan in all glory…

honestly I forgot to post this all the other day (and I have back there two times since!)… the location ? (good question) American Veterans Memorial Pier (Bay Ridge NY), really a great place where the belt parkway meets the BQE, tucked under there next to Dyker Heights (cobble stone streets and brownstones… damn it is nice), the view of Manhattan is just amazing, from Lady Liberty all the way down to the UN Building (which off the top of my head is on 43rd, I used to have an account there)… so here are some photos….

I was wondering how the panorama photos would go here, on Facebook (you have to scroll through my feed, I don’t know how to link to it directly at the moment) they are much cooler (you can scroll and drag them).  I also made a video for those interested… pardon the noise, it was windy !

from the porch, immediate version…

from the porch, immediate version…

astronomy clouds dark evening
Photo by Tomas Anunziata on

life should be like just now, let my dog scamper about, the temp is, just right, the summer sounds are still about, but nothing is stirring at 2:30am, it is a time you can have for yourself in these parts, right at this particular time I have no issues pending, I could quit my job with no consequence, I am of good health, I have no worries outside of anything really, and it all seems in line tonight, so relaxing and releasing, my dog’s silhouette walking the strip of lawn between the sidewalk and the curb (a truly suburban thing), she turns her head and looks at me, and I say “no, it’s OK” as usually I am in a hurry for some nonsense reason, tonight I think, let her roam free, not too free mind you, I do not feel like tracking her down when she ranges… and she does range sometimes, she always comes back, BUT there is always that underlying panic that grows each minute when I know she is out of my vocal reach or vision reach, I know in my mind she always comes back, she always does, but the what if… the what if always plays with your mind… tonight, is not that night, she stays tightly bound to me, maybe recognizing the hour, I do talk to her like a person, “hey, before we go out, make it quick, it’s late” as if she understands that sentiment, I pretend she does, I can delude myself and elevate my dog full rosetta stone, thank you very much, for it works, at least tonight, no panic, she deposited what she had to, for me to clean up in the morrow, but came back with just a snap, and all was good… and with that I am off to hopefull dreams, lay my head down and sleep, for a few hours at least…

(part of my porch series)

I have to admit, if this pre-empts my other post tonight it should not (I felt that was an inspired post), this was just spur of the moment, the other post I wrote yesterday was more inspired I think, ah, the muse, inspiration, what a funny fickle thing… but as usual let it fly baby, let it fly…

family, lest you be judged, eclipse (speculative thoughts)…

family, lest you be judged, eclipse (speculative thoughts)…

group of people sitting on ground while cooking egg
Photo by on

for some reason, I must admit to myself a certain underlying apprehension, as a family gathering is happening out on the horizon, nothing formal like a wedding mind you, just a get together, a party for an uncle eclipsing the 80 year mark (who looks great for his age), but anyway, I got to thinking about this underlying apprehension as to how I would be judged or looked at, is it my expectations, theirs? both? driving to work can provide mind maddening traffic nightmares but also a chanee to reflect, so I guess this is what that is, I suppose there will be idle talk about what David is or was supposed to be, and what or who I am now, speculation, derision, is family strangers… you just happen to know better ? just not better than your friends ? these are my findings, not all families get along (we are not fighting mind you,), I suppose we do alright these days, better than most, although the distance between all of us has grown and is quite palpable, an interesting phenomena in the days of digital communication, things are actually less personal, get togethers are more rare, real communication is even rarer, is it regret? a generational thing? I’m not sure, I suppose we all bear some responsibility, so easy to melt into our various devices as devices of convenience and distraction (the evolution of bread and circus?), in many ways I seem to know more about what my relatives think, on social media at least, but is that just a face… or reality? or a mixture? I try to be as honest as possible in all phases but in reality, this reality we all play roles, whether we admit that to ourselves or not, we have differing faces, not mendacity, not lies, just different sides for different suns, can we escape that paradigm? I suppose that is what I try… at least… so I think there will be those that judge me against their children or some other quite temporal measuring stick, what is success anyway, and is temporary “success” in this world worth anything anyway? Are having kids… success ? if those kids “fail”… does that lessen your ‘success’ based on so many factors you can not possibly control… or do you just roll with it, life that is, the more I think about it the more I tend to let go when I catch myself acting by the hand of outside forces, like these thoughts that have invaded my little space but I caught them sneaking in (they should have removed their shoes… amateurs…)

photo of man pointing his finger
Photo by Rodolpho Zanardo on

lest you be judged…
“let people judge you” because in the end what does it matter, you can never, or will never be able to control the thoughts or will of others, there is no super secret power or device to such end, your options are very obvious if you distill them down, forever chase the end of the rainbow to no end… or just accept things (and yourself) as they are, I am not saying throw out the baby with the bathwater and eschew personal growth and goals, but as far as other people’s thoughts? consider them, but let that not be your guiding principal in this life, it is easy to judge anything and everything, it is our absolute nature to compare things, but take into consideration that we all have limited experience in these comparisons regardless of how long we have been riding on this planet, we are very tied down to our own experiences which in the scope of things is quite limited (think about the variables, when you were born, your parents, your country, your state, your gender, your religion etc etc), so trust in that deficiency, sounds strange to trust in your lack of something, but that lack of experience is exactly the lens you are filtering the world through, admitting real limitation is the keystone to the bridge of accomplishment (I should author fortune cookie messages… or hallmark cards… I’m available for parties, no balloon animals (just can’t do that) and no ponies (I’m allergic) )…

afterglow backlit beautiful crescent moon
Photo by luizclas on

maybe my problem is over stimulated blindness, looking at the sun can be overwhelming, at times an eclipse might be most useful, something between you and everything, blocking enough so you can see the periphery and the outline, not all the light at once so you can appreciate the whole that much more when it is revealed again, there is a lesson in there somewhere, the patience of it all, as the curtain is slowly drawn and then reversed until full dawn, so maybe I will think of an eclipse if I am ever overwhelmed, and remember not to take in the whole ball of sun at once (as I tend to do, becoming a localized Atlas with not the shoulders he had), realize my limitations and take in what I can instead of swallowing whole, surely though I will falter and draw to close, fall like Icarus into the sea, and hopefully not drown this time, or the next, like all things practice in this, and practice becomes habit and habit becomes your work clothing, and then you forget the change ever happened at all, because you are comparing things as you go…

photo of person standing on rocks
Photo by Stijn Dijkstra on

so I suppose my fear (or discomfort) is un-grounded, I should not have apprehension for a family gathering, if I cause rumors or a stir, it matters about as much as a car spider scuttling across my window at night, or a leaf slowly swaying back and forth as it inevitably lands on the ground, have I cleared myself of the fear completely? some part of me still clings, but somehow, after examination, I feel some relief… and I suppose that is progress, besides the sky is very blue today, there is a cloud that looks like a mile fern leaf, the wind is gently turning the purple leaves of the cherry blossom outside this concrete box where I work, it all seems right… it all seems OK… at least for now, and that is all you can hope for sometimes…

music tonight

>>> Covet – Howl

finger-style electric, mellow but exciting, and if you play the technical level is mind blowing, they are playing the TLA in Philly in September, hell yell I will be there… (I couldn’t make the Brooklyn show on the 16th this month.. grrrr)

change is the only constant… (ironic, isn’t it?)

change is the only constant… (ironic, isn’t it?)

white birds flying
Photo by Hakan Tahmaz on

contrast and choice
a bird with a broken wing
unforgiving ground

a bird with a broken wing
the sounds of suffering
but surviving,
no longer able
to reach up and touch the sky
must learn how to walk
content up on the land
with the joy of life
of grounded sound

music… something you have never heard probably, introduced to me in college back in the early 90s, sort of euro indie, thanks to liv from iceland who popped this on me back in the day, I miss those times and a couple of the people… I remember the signed sugarcubes album in the window of the local vinyl store… so here you go…

>>>>>> Ride – Seagull

all thoughts, recipes (seriously I love cooking, I could do a whole blog on that alone but I stick to this nonsense as it is more personal), likes, hates, comments, vicious take downs of my posts…. I welcome any eye glow, I can handle it, I am who I am and I am glad to be examined, after all my time here is quite limited, so, what’s the difference…. thanks.

we all look up, and wonder, the sky…

we all look up, and wonder, the sky…

beach blur clouds dawn
Photo by Pixabay on

“clouds, like still tide lines of fire
riding up on the blue
by the watchful eye
of the hazy crescent moon
how might this be just a random combination
no plan in the spectrum
a show that lasts as long as light
the light retreats
into this calming night
as I now await
as come they are –
the stars”

just my interpretation of a setting day, after some rain, the colors make me feel alive, like I belong… in this world, somewhat…

from the porch (hot hot hot version)…

from the porch (hot hot hot version)…

wayfarer sunglasses on sand tilt shift lens photography
Photo by Fabio Partenheimer on

I could sense a palpable sigh as the rain began to fall, as if the ground was tired of holding up the heat and wished to heave the warmth back into the sky, I watched the lightning coming in, the breeze as an emissary picking up, I am in no hurry to run for cover, this is a welcome rain, I have seen days that hit three digits, I have seen heat waves, so this was not some panic toxic today, just a nod to not be working out in the yard, better to dip your feet in the water and sip on a frozen pina colada by the neighbor’s pool, some would say my mother raised a fool, but at least not this day, so anyway, back to the rain, I am not sure if it is perception, reaction, or imagination, the change seems swift, the temperature drops like a bullet, plummets, not very scientific of me, just the feel, the hair on my arms as the weather stations reporting the local condition, my dog rolling around on her back, in the grass, getting all wet, she does not like to be clean, she’s over ten years old now, so she has earned the privilege of her particular needs, so I let her roll around until her dog heart is content…

photo of thunderstorm
Photo by Rodrigo Souza on

why is lightning so fascinating ? the largeness of it? the semi magical seeming nature of it? the perceived and real danger? Even though we mostly know technically what lightning is… does that remove the wonder? not for me, maybe not for you. the rain is coming now, the breeze with subtle trumpets has announced, and you can hear the sheets creeping, falling, advancing, feet from me now, an errant drop scout here and there in my hair, I was facing the wrong direction, somehow, the rain snuck up on the rear while the light show distracted the front of house, nature, she has been at this a good deal longer than I, she will always have the upper hand no matter how smart I might project to be, the only question now is, how wet do I care to be? no soak tonight, I casually stroll back to my door as it now really cracks the sky to pour, I hear the symphony of downward water pounding on the leaves, increasing, I call out to sam to “come inside”, she obliges, her little happy bouncing gate in stride, and back I go, the weight of the heat of the day lifted, I look forward to open skies in the morning.

(part of my porch series…)