for into the arms of god go I divine guided path with a fulfilled heart and calm mind, for into the bosom of god am I for my ego shall fade to rest as I have arrived home for all time.
notes… am I not dying anytime soon (I hope) but if I do I hope for more, I am not religious, I do not prescribe to any particular belief, and I do not have any angst against those that do, I have to believe something else is out there, our life on this world is truly a miracle, it could all be random and what not, I accept that, but I hope for more, I yearn for more, and if I am wrong ? I will never know anyway, so I plant my flag in the camp of hope on that end, and may I see those I love once again… somewhere, someway, maybe in a dream that is a parallel reality…
in the house of the dying sun, a knock on the door an uncle a cousin a brother and I forgot to remember- that he is gone for father has traveled on into the land beyond (our senses). the wife, a sister, my mother left with the charge for every crack and nook imbued with the marriage of years strolling through photobooks slow motion silent cinema tales snapshots of a life no longer in motion told and closed, the deacon of my being struggles struggles for reason for faith to believe in our fates for a reason, for a meaning, I yearn for the voice of dominion for guidance, for wisdom for the power to accept as we must, and accept there is no choice no choice in the matter for soon enough I will join you father and once more be of your manor.
notes… been mired in the weather so not posting too much, I have been writing however, just not posting, sometimes life gets in the way, you know ? Thanks for all the looks and comments, I appreciate your time and stopping by.
my beautiful flower for what have I done poisoned my garden ’till kingdom come
notes… since my father passed I have been posting photos on my facebook page daily, and of course I wound up running across photos of her, mirsa, my true love, the major screw up I can never mend, well, I hope but that was many years ago, time is supposed to mend or heal, not so much here, I try not dwell but honestly it is always there, somewhere, some days just rise and it is all I can think about, just happened to coincide with V-day, I used to make her special meals, with red themes, heart shaped veg or the like, always something ambitious, I miss those days, but I am still here and there are days ahead, so that has to be my focus, but seeing those old photos, the closeness, her holding me and me her, in addition to my old dog, Chestnut, whom I loved so very much, and made mistakes like any first time parent, memories, of all the animals we had, practically a zoo, birds (amazon yellow front, parakeet, parotlet, monk parakeet), a degu, pacus, turtles (mississippi mud and soft shell), a mexican tarantula, a sugar glider and a texas ground squirrel… yeah it was pretty nuts, and I leaving out the scorpions and betas… retrospect always breeds romanticism, but who am I to argue with my own feelings? but accept them.
under the glance of the wax for I sentinel of grace, in this- frozen- field, a garden they say, whispers of the fruit- hang all this from the gate that did pour out filling the mother burst with life and all that adorns, “choose, choose the light” whispers on shade flight in the ancient tongue woven, in dna, in instinct, into cells as pathway ancestral lines even on this cold stark barren plain a sign, a scion of the daystar stands for generations of man for the furthermore a fellow that travels, bags unpacked a beacon, the only celestial within our reach I pray, give me warmth on this coldest of the nights of this life make my hearth dance in joy and with fire’s delight, whirling smoke swirls, a tribute in chimney speak, rise up- spiral into the night, let my dreams ride such a caravan and visit with you- for but a moment to press your shoulder- in a tender embrace bask in the presence of long far and such past eyes that have seen countless spin a night, and day again, over I wish to listen to your chorus and lay ear to, listen to, your chorus as I become a phrase.
note…to those who don’t know, and a nod to those who do… most of my work is off the cuff, meaning instant, and so I do, I am experimenting lately with form and type, just feeling out the world with words, that is my hands molding the clay of the world around me… so, that’s it… and I thank you for the visit, all comments are appreciated, and I do mean all…
as I might contemplate that last moment before I leave this plane and wonder my last thought will I see you oh lord will I see my love once more
on a beam of light so singular in this life left bereft of completion longing to be whole again the separation and we pray to write, unite a fabled ending
and I must confess my faith wavers doubt simmers for I am just a man but I look to the sky to the sun to the stars to you oh lord will I see my love once more.
notes... been awhile since I opined for my love (her), other things, life going on, I suppose, but it is always there, isn’t it? just under the surface, always there like a shadow beat to my heartbeat, like an echo to my every thought reverb, my love I hope you are well and content, wherever you are these days… (from a poem perspective this was me being deliberate and staccato, something I do sometimes to hear the timing in my mind)
“for if this is all I have ’tis more than some will ever know”
a window into the world defined by frames defined by shape much like our own
words try to clarify a picture quantify a fraction symbols drawn together and agreed upon among others language – like an ancient tree the high branches so far removed from root reaching up as if to escape or grasp the stars – themselves for we know to well not bound to this earth for we know not long – enough as the spirit thrives to live on
the sky unfolded above me out toward the horizon ‘I have had dreams like this’ -thought crossed; unfurled cotton waves extended into the burnt orange just an ordinary man in an ordinary lot the world transformed into living art
notes… even on a rough day, I felt ground down to a stump, back was barking a bit, I was no where special, no where besides this miracle marble, more locally New Jersey south, in an asphalt parking lot, outside a supermarket in a semi-beach town in winter, something inside me said “pause”, the cosmos? god? an ancient ancestor giving a nod? maybe all those… for like our ancient past, I looked to the sky… and was amazed (that photo is what I saw above the usual fray I was mired in)… so, like I always say, take a pause, take it in, you might be dazzled every now and again when the norm is hanging over your head…
into the dying sun for there will go I even the sun must, all sons will die I turn to hope, to retain
the well is running dry for mother is recalling her precious resource reclamation to imbue the cosmic womb with the life of another death and incubation are stages, gemini the well runs deep now the well is running dry so I will dig deeper the work is harder, but familiar hands harden like wood, with age nails rotten with dirt – under, itches as long as there is the energy the breath to drift in a beating heart within this chest
a raven stands over a puddle and for a moment catches a reflection
in the presence of the sons in the presence of the brothers a long witness, my mother a wife for five half score and two; all of us here, under the all-mighty eye of g-d to return this vessel these building blocks into the earth herself for today – I buried my father.
I did not inter love, nor thoughts nor a lifetime of memories – for even death, can not purge those safe, in the deepest corridors of our hearts
those standing, those left those knowing for a piece of him resides within you all, now rejoice in this, take solace in this in time you will know this to be a guiding lantern to purge any darkness
so I wish him farewell, for now until we will meet again in some other place a dimension we do not quite yet comprehend of this I am certain a calm of peace has settled in within these thoughts
goodbye, my father, for I will see you again and thank you for the gifts you left for me the ones you taught, in imperfection in perfect humanity I say goodbye to you, my father with love – your son, always- your son.
notes… this post is one of my toughest on a personal level (obviously), I thought about not posting it, but this is what hit me @ 4am this morning, I rolled out of my non sleeping bed and wrote these words, before the funeral, the nervous energy I had was overwhelming, or was it dread? I do not know, I have not lost someone so close to me, as I have said in the past I have been lucky to be so untouched by the craven hand of death, but not so, and I knew it was coming at some point… but nothing prepares you for the reality, the customs, the going through, the physical steps to the grave site, the hole, a literal hole with a casket, the dirt in a dominant pile, the cold grip of it all, as if this was a fantasy burial, the sky was mostly blue, there was a cold wind, we were in woodbridge nj but might as well have been in the middle of anywhere, vast and wind swept, I could not speak, I thought it would take forever but as over too soon, but there is nothing you can do, except release and accept helplessness, and just turn back to those you love…