my mom is not doing well, I am not writing that for sympathy (I appreciate your positive thoughts of course), I am writing it because that is where my heart and mind have been lately. This is not tragedy, this is not some horrific story, it is just nearing the end of one story… and how sometimes, well, maybe always, the past does catch you and … drag you down.

My mother grew up in the 50’s, like typical “Grease” type of stereotypical stuff (it was really like that!). She was part of the “Blue Jean Babes”… the matching jackets, the beehive teased up hair, the smoking 2-3 packs of cigs a day since you were 13… that was America, that was the thing, that is what you did. I do have memories of flying on Eastern Airlines back in the day when smoking was allowed… and then later when you still saw the ashtrays (welded shut).

Anyway, my pops and my mom struggled to have kids, the tech… well, hell, it isn’t no where near what it is now back in the early 70s, there was no in vitro… not much of anything… adoption was the best bet.. and also, remember there was no internet, so… things were not always as they seem, like today, there was always schemes, but I will get to that… so, my folks, up the creek with no viable paddle adopted my brother, Greg, I call him the Virginia Ham as he was imported … from, well yeah, Virginia, and Ham? well, that is a double entendre on my part, my brother, has the gift of gab, the garb of illusion, it honed my bullshit detector to a fine edge where I can smell that shit miles away, I see his performances and displays… every once and a while he flashes me that grin knowing I see right through him, other times frustration as he is so used to getting over on anyone.. not vicious, just his way, if you don’t know a person like that it is hard to explain, he would take a bullet for some, but talk the clothes off another depending on the outcome needed… it is a hard personality to deal with but… I guess I am used to it.

And then… there was me… with a bump in between. My folks got scammed into sending 20K back in 73 to a Pittsburgh couple that turned out to be a scam, before Nigerian Princes on AOL was cool… it actually turned into a semi national story, not interesting really, just what happened. So, then, you might ask, how did I happen? funny you should ask.. imagine this… my mom’s OBGYN doc knew a young couple who.. well, coupled, with me in utero.. and an agreement was made, outside of normal circumstance, right before RoeWade, so… I made limbo under the umbilical there… literally… so… that is how I became the kid of my parents (to that I never doubted, I always knew I was adopted but cared not, never have)… so I was born in my hometown, at the hospital my mom is at now… where my dad died, about 5 years ago… damn life is strange…

so, you might be asking, what the hell is all this rambling about? fair enough… I forgot to mention that when my brother was adopted my mother went to a hypnotist… dropped her smoking habit then and never went back… a doc just yesterday asked “have you ever smoked?”… and my mother has never smoked in my life… 50 years… but she did.. like a chimney train on steroids… that is my tale for tonight… sometimes the past can bite you even after decades of brilliant service to those you love… or it doesn’t … that is the roll of the dice, so, be aware, love who you love, love every moment, we are wired to think it never ends.. I am lucky enough so far to see only a few ends, my own? yeah, it is there on the horizon… I have not found the magic to make everyone savor every second of your life, I wish I could, that is up to your inner well, your inner self… there is nothing else, even you reading this knows this, even me writing this knows this… the only thing we can’t seem to get is somehow allowing ourselves to feel this every moment at all times… if there is a heaven on this earth… that is it, awareness of the awe and love of every moment, of every breath.