the older I get, I realize I have lived many lives in this one life.
wolves
with what lies inside
is the same as wolves
all though we deny
what we know is true
and we say
and claim
that is what makes us human
before we make the kill
in our own way
no idea how the muse works, this just popped into my head, this is a total one take, I literally heard the words in my head and wrote them down… my old line, this is how I work, I don’t question it, I trust it sometimes… and sometimes not. so, here it is, I am my own mind… if you get it great, if not, fine enough, I post for me and if others understand, cool
sudden. realization.
when my eyes darken,
in a time of light,
I will know
this is the time of night.
but until that time,
I must rejoice
to bask in the light
of both the sun- and the moon.
with the whirlwind trying to get my mother end of life care I realize my own future… why is this not taught anywhere? This is a tidal wave… and only the brave might not get swept under by the might of such force… and car salesman, ahem sales people… I do not blame those trying to make money off such things, I blame the general lack of info and circumstance that allows such things. this was one of the longest weeks I can recall in a long time… of course time is the same but I am not in how I experience it…
cry out, and a tree falls
if I might cry out
who is there to hear me
if I scream inside
the voice, is mine
and even if-
there is ears, to hear
what might that reaction make?
so I might understand
the tree in the forest
and a lightning strike
or a tree alone in a grove
in hundred year stance,
for the same fate unfolds-
for both.
(but timing is everything)
one of my pet bands… I will always love them… and their debut album is a rock legend… you may or may not agree, matters not to me… I love it…
fools
the balance of fools
just upon the balance of fools I dance
without knowing
the music or the steps
but knowing in just breaths
that I am but on strings
to navigate such strings
while feeling the pull
and denying the same
(to myself)
insert words of wisdom here… sometimes I am the big ego, sometimes I feel like a pawn or a useless tool… depends on my mood, and the day… and if it matters anyway, I’m not sure… so…
sand.
will I be sand
or stone
when I go-
or have I already been
all of these
and more
have I been
fire that burns
or water for thirst
will I be a flash of light
across the sky
or the calming glow
of the vast twilight
for I will never know-
these memories may have been
but I can grasp-
the dirt within my hands
and dream of them
if only I could talk to my DNA and understand the spiral that is me.
the heat
the heavy summer blanket-
the sweltering-pulp of thick air
is-
that feral cat
on my deck,
rabbit-scared bolt
in our previous encounters
today?
strewn out
like bone-dry-baked seaweed
waiting for the salvation
of the tide
to revive
sure, I have been through summers, and I also lived in south Florida for a spell… but it is hard to describe how air can be heavy, where it hits you when you walk out the door in the morning like a literal barrier, and even at night, where just a simple breeze is revelation, and air conditioning is truly salvation, but if you have no means of shelter? or reprieve? you have no choice but to wait it out, all else becomes a distant thought.
found out
yeah, this is my space, I do what I want… sometimes, well, often I just have to reflect… so, yeah… this takes me back, no apologies, love me, hate me, it don’t matter… if you found me, you understand, maybe not. maybe so… so… live. please live with a smile, that is all I am trying to do in my own way… so do it.
the strangeness of viewing death
I have this impulse to film my mother at this point, her end is pretty near, not on death’s bed this second but maybe taking residence in the same hotel, not quite in the basement yet, do I record knowing? her knowing? like an interview with a vampire? I visit almost daily whether in the rehab center or the hospital, bouncing back and forth, I have learned more about administrative health conduct in the past 2 months than I care to have ever learned in my entirety, I make myself more emotionally available for her sake, certainly not my comfort zone, but … what do you do? and how much is enough … or not enough? I feel judged (and the weight of such) and yet know I am doing the best I can.
but back on point, do I record… life is fleeting and perhaps this may be the last few weeks of her life. I suppose I should, maybe posting this has clarified the point for me… If I don’t I would, damn, I will regret it … why? because the thought entered my mind for a reason, damn… trust yourself, I am such a confident person people might say but I am drowned in doubt so often and for so long… I have to break through… life is so damn short… I have to wear that on my heart, my mind and my tongue… for real, not just being some snarky know it all that has gotten me so far… that is all a shield, a persona, not totally false, somewhat, a force field… I hate it.. I know it… we all do it… I am trying to break free and just be pure me, as we all are, constrained by all the outside forces, perceptions, expectations… sometimes that has to be put to the side and just be… I am clawing toward that reality, damn I wish I could just ride a dragon and go away, or burn my problems to a crisp with a simple chant of “dracarys” … but no life is not that… I hope I have the courage and balls to make this quest happen, to capture my mom, in her last moments, while she is still with us, it is a painful path but I think the outcome is worth end. A better memorial than a cold stone.
in the little room.
peering into this tiny space
reading words
nah
in on space
a small space
watching the screen twitch
videos,
how strange, like a bear trapped in a cave
with a TV or a laptop most likely,
perception, reality, jubilation from the screen frame
Shades of My Garden 