I have this impulse to film my mother at this point, her end is pretty near, not on death’s bed this second but maybe taking residence in the same hotel, not quite in the basement yet, do I record knowing? her knowing? like an interview with a vampire? I visit almost daily whether in the rehab center or the hospital, bouncing back and forth, I have learned more about administrative health conduct in the past 2 months than I care to have ever learned in my entirety, I make myself more emotionally available for her sake, certainly not my comfort zone, but … what do you do? and how much is enough … or not enough? I feel judged (and the weight of such) and yet know I am doing the best I can.
but back on point, do I record… life is fleeting and perhaps this may be the last few weeks of her life. I suppose I should, maybe posting this has clarified the point for me… If I don’t I would, damn, I will regret it … why? because the thought entered my mind for a reason, damn… trust yourself, I am such a confident person people might say but I am drowned in doubt so often and for so long… I have to break through… life is so damn short… I have to wear that on my heart, my mind and my tongue… for real, not just being some snarky know it all that has gotten me so far… that is all a shield, a persona, not totally false, somewhat, a force field… I hate it.. I know it… we all do it… I am trying to break free and just be pure me, as we all are, constrained by all the outside forces, perceptions, expectations… sometimes that has to be put to the side and just be… I am clawing toward that reality, damn I wish I could just ride a dragon and go away, or burn my problems to a crisp with a simple chant of “dracarys” … but no life is not that… I hope I have the courage and balls to make this quest happen, to capture my mom, in her last moments, while she is still with us, it is a painful path but I think the outcome is worth end. A better memorial than a cold stone.
Shades of My Garden 