regrets (about love lost)…

regrets (about love lost)…

broken car vehicle vintage
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I wish I could tell you
how well I have come along
without you,
of a life fulfilled

I wish I could tell you
my decision was wrong,
all those years ago,
half my humanity gone
I pray you have fared better
and forgotten my name

I wish I could tell you
my love still endures
but, the hour is late
and time has passed over this house
I have never forgiven
myself

if only
a decision made with two,
I close my eyes
to conceal all this from my sight
if only I could tell you –
you were ever the only one

one day
I will pass from this earth
I wish only
to be by your side
transformed into light
with you, my eternal love
with you, once and final more


music…

Minus the Bear – Last Kiss

that says it all my friends… (this poem written 3/6, thinking about her… while listening to this song)

Mirages of the mind.

Mirages of the mind.

photo of person walking on deserted island
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wandering

in the fog of my existence

in the distance

I think, I think I see you

making out your form

tracing you with my eyes

standing there

are you watching?

waiting?

for me to finally kill my soul

the singular formality

of all that is left of it all

so to be that sacrifice

for a moment

to give

just to be sure

that it is you

standing there


sometimes it is your heart that plays tricks, which is truly the vessel with which you see things ? or is it a symposium of the mind, heart and eyes… or a want for that perfect grail, that simple carpenter’s cup that can heal all? (I wrote this poem originally 6.18.18)

Sometimes it is a feeling…

Sometimes it is a feeling…

woman with orange manicure
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“remember” 10.31.2018

between

I press two finger tips

up upon my lips

to recall the sensation

or an approximation, of your warmth

the static electric spark

of the interaction of moist skin

mine on yours,

between

across the heavens mass pulls, gravity

the weakest force, so I’ve learned

but nonetheless, grants me

instinct strains the moorings

morning clocks another day

between

miles stretch, thoughts confine

memories looked at linger

simmer inside with the guilt

reading history to replay

to overcome

to fill, to feel, the gap

that is – between.

For you, my love.

For you, my love.

sea sunset red purple
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10.15.2018

I do not want to admit, the reality

you have residence, in my consciousness

I have not met with such happiness, ever since

I tried to turn the lights out

cut the power lines

eviction in the place of conviction

I want to be all you ever know

to live up to being the one you loved

but now I am but a shrinking star

lost, somewhere, on your horizon


notes… sometimes I just write things that hurt me to the core, because truth can be brutal, but it is truth, I may hate it, I may hate myself for my own self, for losing her, it is easy to look back, it is not easy to not regret the fact.

some lasting thoughts…

some lasting thoughts…

seawaves on sands
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going through my notes of hiking (well, on a beach mind you) through Cape May wildlife parks, I was inspired here and there, mostly I was inspired visually as all my previous posts last week show, so… that should spark my words, or actually maybe humble them, at times I was thinking how could I possibly compare my words to the palette displayed before me by nature, but you come to the performance with what you have, and do it.


10.13.18

I would give all of this for you

for a moment

but that is not exactly the truth

I want a moment

to last until my dying years

’till my eyes wash with forever

the lasting ember, your face

all I wish to remember


notes… strange that this is what pops in my head on a lovely beach, but of course, when you walk alone for as long as I have, your mind starts to wander, in my case to her, I carry her in my mind with me everywhere, not always, but sometimes I just feel like she is there and I can talk to her like she can hear me, of course that is nuts, but that is my inner dialogue, and I can admit that, maybe I am just different than everyone, I don’t know, I can only be me, and can only be honest about my thoughts, I doubt I am alone with the way I think, but sometimes it feels like it because people do not like to share their weaknesses.  But at the end we all meet the same fate, I am trying to live my life that way, am I succeeding ?  nah… but I am working toward it.

Simply Sunday (well at least here)

Simply Sunday (well at least here)

close up photo of swiss cheese leaf
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As is my habit (not the nun uniform), I like to post some simpler thoughts on the weekend, just some snippets, notes, scraps of thoughts (little tidbits and crumbs from my journals over the months), so…


shine” 5/30/18

as the sun shines, I know your smile

your eyes, I am lost at sea

sinking into your midst

into bliss

washed up on the shore

the sun warms, once more

grains of sand

I succumb

into the dream

of your love.


6.8.18

empty park bench

lonely shadow

empty park

sorrow

not a squirrel nor a bird

just the wind

shuffling through the trees

alone with my thoughts

carry my words of love to her

please…


time blinks” 7.10.2018

my precious time

is gone

spent

and to be honest

I do not know

where it has gone

or where it went


morning joe” 7.10.2018

singular

expression

caffeine

injection

to percolate

a sleepy soul


I will go out of the box for a minute (as I am wont to do…) with a movie recomendation… real old school goofy 80’s comedy that I think is vastly overlooked (the where’s the beef lady is in it !!!! cmon now! – almost as cool as the parts is parts commercial)…

Moving Violations (1985)

stick with it, it is funny… cheesy? 80s?? yeah… all that… but trust me and thanks for reading if you are reading this. all comments/thoughts/vile epithets are appreciated.

The Circle, life gives you chances.

The Circle, life gives you chances.

city sunset coast cathedral
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I didn’t work my usual marathon today (I didn’t exactly have an easy day mind you) but, I met back up with someone I trained (at a store) two years ago, it was like a time machine, she had that on me, total surprise, she’s young, it is not a thing like that, but sometimes you just run into someone who reminds you of the fire of life, this was one of those moments, in Harlem of all places (when we previously met in Valley Cottage), life is strange, and all circles, maybe I should be more… observant and active in it. Sometimes you just connect with a certain person, for whatever reason, enjoy the moment, they are special, we had that fun and now the universe brought us back together… so damn strange…

That said.. here is some simple thoughts…


8/13/2018

where were you

when you were gone

but more to the heart –

where are you now?


8/13/2018

you are

all the more

I could ever

ask for


NOTE: sort of my groove on Haiku… feel wise.


I have posted this one before, but so what, this is what I am jamming to, you’ll get over it..

Screaming Trees – Nearly Lost You

nothing profound, just me.

nothing profound, just me.

backlit birds bright cloud
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to be, without” 4/24/18

what will be

when I walk into that last breath

that last beat

of my heart

as my eyes dim to the ever dark

will you be there

to save me

and reclaim me yours,

will I know your warmth

your calm

your gentle touch

as I pass into eternity

with your love.


pen writing notes studying
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Sometimes I am just me, thinking about my failures, trying to be a better person, not some avatar for hopes and dreams, we all are peaks and valleys… even when we wish to be mountains observing it all… I want to be a mountain, but maybe that is why mountains are in a range, there is more, than just… one.


 

black record vinyl
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musical thoughts… I was listening to the blues for most of the day, specifically BB King, I can not tell you why, just was in the mood, maybe the rain on my roof… not sure, I didn’t pick up one of my own guitars, I was letting others speak to me, so far…

BB King, You Know I Love You

and I hope she does, that’s all.

Simply Saturday…

Simply Saturday…

clear glass window with brown and white wooden frame
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Another week passed, another post after my last, this seems like a pattern but I am determined to make it all different, I am going to lay back and post some simple works, such as they are, the older I get the more I seem to want to boil things down to essence, if I can find it, I guess the grind of life has taught me that we don’t need all the ribbons, sashes, and long eyelashes , the goods that makes the cake is the goods in the bake people!  we all know it.. do we all live it ?  I am making an attempt and am certainly not above reproach, so approach these works with that thought, and thanks for even reading this.


half moon and silhouette of trees
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bother” 4/23/18

why bother

when I know it is you

searching

searching

all the while

pretending

all the while

moving on, as they advise

but always to know

they are never you


beach beautiful boulders calm waters
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

4/24/18

what is the difference

between a rock and a boulder

I guess I do not know

I suppose

how high you must go

a mountain, a moon

perspective


for you” 6.1.18

I’m sorry

if you only knew

I would change everything

but only for you


6.3.18

I have conversations

with you in my mind

I wish you could hear them

I hope you understand

I should have been more honest

at the time


notes?  nah… not this time.

music? eh… OK.. how about some classic metal/tribal stuff that doesn’t get the credit that say “walk this way” does in terms of style breaking…

Sepultura – Ratamahatta

hells yeah this gets me going… plus the video is cool as hell…