I can not remember all choirs of turns that lead to all, this
nothingness
I will rebuild, but something less
as this, has levied a toll
more than these words may address
notes… I am an optimist and realist both… so sometimes I need to reflect. I have made plenty of mistakes in my life, I hope to find happiness and also realize that the opportunities of youth are not there anymore, but yet there is hope, there is always hope, at least that is what I tell myself, I just hope that those I have wronged can forgive me, as I can not forgive myself. I try to believe that regret or the past does not matter. But the past is what is written, it is there, it is done, it can never not be… and that is what bothers me most. I know I can not change it… I can only change going forward, but it does not alleviate the past… and should it ?
1.6.2019 From the Porch (series) (I’m a little cold but it’s my fault for wearing shorts when taking out the garbage on sunday night edition)
I wish that I could truly transcribe how I see the night sky this evening, this was not a remarkable day, in any way or form, this was a day birthed in the shadows of a nasty storm, amazing to think how common storms are like common arguments, so fierce in the moment, unrelenting, encompassing all the landscape of the eyes, but they pass over and the common tongue returns to banal banter, that was today if I were to give it a name, some leftovers of bluster rustling the bamboo spires against a bedroom window (such an unmistakable rattling) – but back to my shortcomings, or maybe my lack of complete mastery of my craft (not for lack of practice), I suppose I should be content to compose with the tools I currently possess, not that which I have not mastered yet, so use the only lens I might, describe this most un-descript of nights, but in that exercise is where I shall, let me not fail to interject, to pause, to detect the wonder surround in even these so common of moments, so I paused –
(and took a deep long breath)
this night sky is a mix (not a mixed bag, not a mixed sack, just a combination of the usual customers), some stars that seem set behind a slow motion procession of wispy clouds, just slowly drifting by in sync and guided by some hidden hand, there is a calm to all this and the calm resonates inside (if you let it in), the silent cold, bare trees reaching upward like living statues grasping for something they know they can never attain (but do so stretch anyway), the winter has a way of revealing, the true essence of beings, all the lovely sequins and dressings of the other seasons fallen away, just bare bark, trunk and arms, save for the giant pine stoic, there still in full dress, another deep breath, as the clouds are truly to meander much that like a lazy river, flowing over carefully framed pockets of stars in still pools, in this I try to describe, this most usual of nightly sky.
Remember to pause, look and take it all in, the miracle of life – never ends.
so, the wave has begun
the first domino has fallen
a generation has come
to begin an end.
I have seen the wave coming
off on the horizon
everything seems so far off
in the inevitable ocean
but so soon crashing upon the shore
this is the way of things
for we are mere pillars
rock fashioned of sand
drawn down and back into the surf
from which we once rose
in and out the flow
just life
for us to suppose
and follow, as if we have a choice
but we pretend
to have some modicum of control
ever looking at the horizon
and the coming waves
as they come for me
surely, some day
might I be aware
and enjoy the warm rays
bright bouquets to grace the peaks
one more time
upon the waves
that carry my soul away
to some other place
I hope
to some other place
I pray
notes… as I stated in an earlier post, I have been spared death more than most, but that will not be so anymore, and I sense it, I hope I have the strength to relent it and continue on, in the pattern of such things it becomes difficult to reconcile self worth, or more plainly my life’s worth upon this earth, there is no accomplishment any of us can make that will satisfy my view of the world, so I just have to fall back on faith, and fate, and the two combined will be my future, I know what that is but do I accept it ? do I quit? or do I fight and meet the same outcome? these are the thoughts that cross my mind. There is so much to life, so much, that needs to be the focus but I must admit, I struggle.
Life is a battle, one we all lose, but we MUST fight!
Generally speaking I am an optimist, but I am also a realist, and a skeptic (boy I sound like a pain in the ass). Death is usually not gently slipping into the ever-after in your sleep, rarely. How many of us have this belief? or is it a distraction for what we really know deep down as truth? I have been lucky (some may say blessed, that’s fine with me) that I have had very little death in my family, at least those close to me. But as all things are, things end and I sense a wave of coming (unfortunately a whole generation). We may not want to see what that looks like, restraints, screams, bodily functions, the knowing the end is there but the days must be the days in hospital watch, the pulling out of tubes, the curses, the fever, the thrashing of anger as life escapes bodily form – and reason flies out the door, surely – not the dream of dying in our sleep. But this is what makes us most human. What we do with these things, these situations. We are given a choice. We can delve down and be drowned in the specter of death (and succumb ourselves)… or live, holding up the full sword of life, because we may not know what death brings (a true end?) but we do know one thing… life. we are alive now, there is nothing more certain than that, and in that I put my faith… to fight some more, for those I love, and for myself.
overlooked by the mainstream and even the rehash metal movement that embraces Metallica etc these days, this is a beautiful piece from years ago, it tempered the thrash fury of an album but also informed some souls… like mine.
notes… a good amount to unpack here, if you don’t want my explanations and thought levels stop reading… ok, now just you and me left talking, this is based on the danse macabre, a movement, well, a thought that became a movement back in the 1400s that spanned well over a couple of hundred years, the catharsis or the pinnacle thought being that we are all going to die, true enough, but it embodied modesty with theme, from a child to a king there is no escape from the ultimate end so why not party on dudes ! well.. maybe more elegant than that… the whole “pope” line is based on art of the day which typically showed the five figures I describe, note I use “a” and “the” in spots, “the child” is both a reference to literally children and also jesus christ (“the” child), the fifth member of the party is the laborer hence my plowman’s line (another biblical reference as well), I also am using double meaning in “plot” and “lot” in the following lines, ‘memento mori’ in latin is “remember you must die”, pretty much the rallying cry of the danse macabre movement, and the last line is my play on “the night is young” and also “the good die young” (revelers), the night has been there all along, and with that I bid you a good night, or a good day, this poem came to me and made me full with muse, that nimble minx, thank you my dear… for this.
music… going deep doom metal here… no death vocals, just the grinding forward sound of life, the constant sound, this song sums it up with sweeping piano and languished guitars…
I must admit, without embarrassment, that I was once quite the elite snob, we here in the northeast US surely think we are better than “fly over country” or certainly more sophisticated than “the bible belt“… these days, I am not so arrogant to look down upon the other folks of this country (or world) and check my arrogance at the door (or with the cute coat check girl, hey a guy can hit out his league sometimes), but anyway, there is a definite palpable bias on the coasts, and definitely a bias against religious folks (especially christians), but for me it is simple… if I am so damn supremely better than “x” do I have the answers ? (humble pie to the face insert here, or kick to the nads, whatever floats yer minnow). So these days I sort of laugh and/or feel bad for what I used to be, and what I see all over the place here in the Tri-State area (in local parlance that is NY NJ CT, sorry PA), I guess my perspective has changed examining the long game, do I think I am better than some people ? sure… got to be honest there, it is a walk, a destination to shed what got me here, clothing is comfort, being naked is well… naked. I am trying to get there. So anyway, my thoughts on elite behavior led to this little musing… (and I was in a serious dry spell, well, ok, not that serious but my writing has been so furious that a hiatus seems serious when it was probably just superfluous… so without further … further… (curtains pull back)
“elite room with a view” 11.29.2018
from on high the ivory tower
declarations decreed on the sound of hours
descend on down invisible ladder
a yoke upon the nary ants scrambling around
their petty lives thrive for the direction
to be passed on down
by a higher same
so rather catapults and siege
there is a courteous bow to the elite
on clouds enshrined
in an ivory spire
self appointed lieges
bloated, drunk with power
notes… not much here in hiding me thinks, but I thank… you. for reading. comments and critique is always appreciated. feel free to re-post as long as you give this host the total most credit… or else you will wake up with a third nipple… call it the mummy’s curse.
music… a friend of mine recently went out to red rocks to see a perfect circle… (jealous!), here is one of my faves doing a song @ red rocks, he usually is a DJ only but this particular tour/album he did a live band thing (this is live audio folks….respect)…
Surely this is a time to unwind, one of the big American holidays leading (and perhaps the actual door) to winter, christmas and what not around the corner (do I need to be PC and mention every single holiday? nah, not me.), since the weekend is the time to relax, curl up on the couch and watch some TV (like a parade no one really cares about but we watch anyway), I like to post some simply digested pieces (get it, turkey day humor), maybe even just one line thoughts, or orphans as it were… so without further delay (I know, you must be waiting with such baited breath)…
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
5/16/18
robins and rabbits
do not seem to mind
each-other’s company
on this little patch of mine
Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com
5/18/18
can you feel the sky breaking
cracking at the dawn
I can no longer hide my disgrace
within the passing storm
Photo by Dhyamis Kleber on Pexels.com
5/20/18
your eyes
are the only ones
I have ever
truly, looked into
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
5/22/18
to know her
is a song,
stanzas upon my heart.
for eternity
I knew, right from the start.
these notes
they spare my soul
from the looming dark.
6/6/18
humanity, these days
souls on a billboard
on a road to nowhere
Photo by Markus Spiske temporausch.com on Pexels.com
6/14/18
sunlight
moonlight
fraternal twins;
sunlight bathes
illuminates
light of day;
moonlight owns
the night
in the phases;
the rise on tides
waxes and wane and disappear
crimson high, chasing the dawn of genesis light
eternal dance
partners three
notes… just on the last one, by partners three I was referencing the earth, moon and sun which is what the universe was for those just a few or so hundred years ago, kind of a play on perspective and science (and poor Galileo) , I thought about referring to all celestial movement but since I was being local (in a solar system sense) I thought this was the way to go. although most of these poems are dated 6 months back (their birth), I did alter them here and there today… maybe I am getting better at that ? I don’t know, I can only post and hope it connects with you, the reader. And in this time of thanks, well… thanks. I am not one to fish for compliments, it may sound arrogant but I don’t care (if you know me in the ‘real’ world as especially my coworkers can attest), I do not do things for others behest, I do them to do them, to do the right thing, which is not always rewarding in the outward sense, but fulfillment should be an inner strength, something that feeds your soul at some level, not some exercise in how many likes I can generate, would that be nice? I am a realist, and not a bullshit artist, so yeah, sure I look at the likes, but that is exactly the hook I have to avoid… to enjoy the process, it is almost like dangling a shiny thing in front of the real prize, the real prize being real praise and admiration without prostrating myself in front of strangers behind a keyboard (ahem, you, reading this)… in summation I give thanks to whatever is out there, to you, to anyone I connect with, we are here in a blink and it seems that time has gone so fast, maybe I can share my value with my posts and enlighten just a few folks, isn’t that better than most ?
music… when I am contemplative I tend to go ambient (or classical), today I bend ambient…
note… let me know if you get it (or how you get it), or if you read it different than how I wrote it, I am not you, I can’t be (that would be weird… c’mon now you are creeping me out), but I am curious how other people read this. there is a bunch of ways, is this a statement ? or a question ? or both…
Thoughts and cinnamon buns are appreciated. As well as follows (just not around my neighborhood, I would have to call the local authorities…)
Think about it. No, REALLY think about it. Every person you run into (ouch) or meet is a complete happenstance of a confluence of a great everything, a mass of variables so vast as to ache even the most agile human mind – the time you are born, when, where, how, parents, grandparents, that great great great great aunt that crossed some river for a flower way back when, all of these possibilities became you… or someone, there will never be anything the same as you @ this exact moment, or the next, think about that the next time you get mad… can you possibly know everything that baked the cake you are mad at ?
so on that subject… I wrote this @ my desk today, it was something bouncing around my head for a few days now, mostly I need to be (or am) immediate or I lose the lines, this one flowed out without doubt at my lovely inspiring cubicle…
thoughts and comments (on anything) are appreciated as are million dollar donations as alas.. I did not win the powerball drawing the other night (I was so damn sure too…), anyhoo… this blog is my thoughts (all this verbose blathering) and poetry, so onto that part of the exercise…
the bridge 10.24.2018
there is a man crossing
the bridge, across the road
I am driving on
I do not know
his destination
merely the other side
I assume,
a moving snapshot, a video clip
of memory now
so much in a time stamp
a story untold
or what I may imagine
a life, an entire life
there in a moving picture
an entire existence
passed on by
on a bridge
across the road
I was driving by.
Music ? sure, being I am a creature of the habit note…
Eric was lauded as a kid as being a guitar prodigy but got sort of forgotten for some years. I first got into him in 1993… and he is making a real name for himself now (rightfully so). He is right handed but plays upside down left handed (that is just the way he learned so it is natural to him). Great player, check him out if you get the chance.
Shades of My Garden 