lost. love. letters.

lost. love. letters.

abandoned ancient antique architecture
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

went unsaid
but mere words I thought
my deeds the weight of motion
so I thought
now the deepest wound
the unhealed hole
is roughly hewn by hands known
went unsaid
and never will
a numbness until my death
carried lumber unto my bed
pulled by mules on carts
wheels churned in sand
the further I go
the closer I come
all that is past
can not be undone
regardless of prayer
or passing seasons
some joyous more than some
but still
left inside –
went unsaid


notes… my weekly delve into the depths of my heart and the loss thereof, how I squandered love, true love, I am not saying there is nothing beyond, but experience tells me it will never be as easy as it was with her, it just ‘fit’, hard to explain it just was, which drives my logic side insane but adds infinite fuel to my romantic side… in other words it drives me nuts…

lost. love. letters. (haiku edition, short and sweet)

lost. love. letters. (haiku edition, short and sweet)

lighted candles on cupcakes
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

a birthday candle
made upon one selfish wish
a moment with her

notes… and so the pining does muster on, I’d like to pretend I don’t think about things, and how I might make them different, and all the other fantasies in my mind, but I will always remain hopeful, as the random tide of the world brought us together once, maybe there is sequel in there somewhere (and not a rewrite with bad actors), I am a cork in the river in that way, letting the universe work things out, I am not sure if that is the right approach, when it comes to such things I am not sure about much… at all…

music

>>> Second Self – Red October

underrated… much like me… my humor is subtle, you have to trust me on that front, these guys almost made it, like a lot of bands, they had the goods but just didn’t “hit” enough for the label to push them at the time, they are still around (the guys, not the band) in various forms… or so I am told…

lost. love. letters.

lost. love. letters.

silhouette photo of man and woman about to kiss
Photo by Varun Chandak on Pexels.com

“if words could fare thee well
I would write them
if words could bridge that gap
I would find them
if words could relay my love
I would deliver them”

notes… thursday, the arbitrary day I choose to muse on her, my love, wherever she may be at the moment, I hope the world holds her well, all I can do is hope for her

(on going series, scroll down my collection page)

lost. love. letters.

lost. love. letters.

back to my regularly scheduled programming… Thursdays are for the lachrymose, those moments when I reflect on her…

brown wooden dock over body of water
Photo by Vincent Albos on Pexels.com

“a slow pour,
in a bar in paradise
islamorada, florida
sitting on a stool
of course, by myself
top shelf
surprised they have basil’s,
a slow pour
some would describe this
exquisite
a perfect sunset
light slides along the gulf
like all those postcards
I suppose I could just buy a bottle
and some pills
and end this right now
as there is something missing
in the midst of all this glory,
a slow pour –
the rattle of melting cubes
the sharp sting of bourbon
punctures my tongue
the view, massages like a familiar tune
the hum of gentle conversation I am not involved in,
a. slow. pour. …
the deck overlooks
overlaps the water
lapping the pylons
sips count the minutes
here
in locked distant beauty
in a bar, in paradise
on the water
I contemplate life –
without you”

notes… this is totally a mental picture for me, and my link to Islamorada above shows… even in the midst of what most would consider paradise…. I remain, on those warm nights, ocean breeze, wishing you were there next to me, I still have hope, down there, somewhere, for new love or the kindling of old (for her, I love you)…

and in the interest of being honest, I was disappointed that my last post got no love… maybe the way I tagged it ?  not sure.. but either way I stand by it with pride….

lost. love. letters…

lost. love. letters…

three person taking a bath
Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Pexels.com

Shower in the AM
memory trigger
every day
I engage in this morning ritual
today, flashed to the past
-a quite unexpected break, from the norm

hot waterfalls flowing down
the curved contours of your back
and my hands float
soap foam
follows and accents
down,
your palms upon on my chest
jet hair black back
our eyes lock sensual glare
our bodies locked bare
knowing someone else’s body
as close as yours
in this downpour

I remember our apartment
room for two
and a zoo, the time we were together, in love

a simple shower
a tiny detail of that life
I had forgotten, tried to forget
how could I have forgotten
the reminder
back to the present.
you are not here –
I dry off, and go to work.

notes… this is a very personal one, I wrote it back in may, completed it (as it were) today, sort of just a revision, I don’t know if I will ever shake her, probably not honestly, I hope for her sake she has forgotten me, I don’t wish anyone to be mired in this, sometimes I feel it like an anchor but tell myself I have not drowned so it can not be… it can not be… for I am here, I am trying to love her and yet allow for love to replace what is gone by my own hand, so there is guilt there, and truth, and love… I wish I had the strength to just cut through it all like I know I have to… but I don’t, I am searching, and I am optimistic, I am always optimistic…

musical choice for the evening

BOA – Duvet (Acoustic)

I dare you to find a finer vocalist… jasmine is friggin ridiculous.  This tune was the theme song for perhaps one of the best anime series ever made – LAIN, it is like the matrix on crack, watch it, it is heady and smart.. and the soundtrack? well… astounding…

and .. thanks for all the likes, comments, quiche recipes and whatnot… I am enjoying interacting with you all, thanks (I bowed).

as·pi·ra·tion·al…

as·pi·ra·tion·al…

clouds during golden hour
Photo by Sindre Strøm on Pexels.com

sometimes I think of slogans, or slug lines, or t-shirt sayings, sometimes they are poems or something else… these both came to me tonight in my car driving home, stuck in traffic on the GSP, a theme for me, sometimes traffic gets me down, sometimes I am inspired, tonight, I must admit I was listening to the new Tycho album and just digging it, it transported me, away from all the base garbage of the sitting in traffic experience, even the fumes in the rest area did not confound me, maybe it will kill me in the long run, but right now?  I feel pretty good.  I do not have the love of a partner but I do have life, so at least I have possibility still… and that is enough (sometimes)…

city lights night street
Photo by Justin Hamilton on Pexels.com

(1)
beacon
may I cast light out
into the world
unto you
and be a beacon
in dark times
may I remember
and be reminded
of the light within
and be a beacon
of truth
and
of love

person playing on light
Photo by Ivandrei Pretorius on Pexels.com

(2)
inspire,
be that light
to guide others
forward
into their own

minimal.

minimal.

red and gray seesaw in the playground
Photo by Mike Anderson on Pexels.com

they
see – saw
she – saw
their – love
balanced
each – other

notes: visual and minimal was my goal, you decide if I met the mark, just one of those little poems that came to me for no reason I can ascertain… and I will leave you with that, I have some cool stuff to post this weekend, I went out of my way today to find some local beauty (find beauty wherever it may be is one of my guiding functions these days), I have some cool photos to post from a little excursion I made, oddly no words came to me, I wrote nothing although I brought my journal and got some looks…. “why is this business dressed guy holding a leather bound book/journal thing, smiling and walking out on the pier in the middle of this heat??” – yeah, I imagine I illicit that mental conversation… I stick out, but I try really to not care anymore and just do my thing… I am getting there… one day I will shake hands with myself and sigh “finally…”

lost. love. letters.

lost. love. letters.

silhouette photo of man and woman about to kiss
Photo by Varun Chandak on Pexels.com

6.12.19
if –
the after life
is –
and I might die today
I would wish to see you tomorrow
with you
only you
my lost
my love


6.8.19self inflicted
I have been led to believe
that time heals all wounds
so how does that explain, you
from fortune cookies
to books wiser than me
from veteran mouths with far more experience
and yet-

wounds leave scars
as tales of reminder
sign post detours
but this, this is alteration
my self inflicted sentence
even the blame feels empty
against the missing
to never be honored by your love again
penance is no medicine
age is no doctor
for you are in my heart
for all ever after.

notes… I am kicking around the idea of making lost.love.letters a regular thing, I write a lot about her because I think about her a lot, it is something that I can not shake, at least for now, so… maybe I will do it as a thursday thing, thunder day, because that is what is in my heart. (of course technically I am posting on friday… but cmon…)

music? Minus the Bear – Last Kiss (live, acoustic), listen to the damn words people

all thoughts, comments, mango blackened chicken recipes are appreciated (I can tell you a story about that mango chicken thing…)

the “c.k.” conundrum and the curious intention of intent…

the “c.k.” conundrum and the curious intention of intent…

aromatherapy bamboo basket candlelight
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

ck, no, not su, or fu, ‘c.k’. meaning Courtesy and Kindness… I am not going to go on with some long harangue (excellent word btw) about how there is less of these attributes populating the world today, because:

a) how would I know
b) what’s the point anyway?

So (genesis of this), I was driving down the Parkway Sunday to spend the day in a lovely park (Big Brook) and the Parkway is already showing signs of “shore traffic“, that is the typical backup of the South direction in the morning, North in the evening, something you get quite used to being a New Jersey resident, there is an absolute mad dash down the roadway on every weekend starting, well, yesterday I suppose (it is not totally scientific, forgive my dalliance), so I had to deal with this super heavy merge, I try to be judicious with my driving (I am a big believer in alternate merging, I seriously don’t understand those who actively block you, I mean, you are gaining a car length buddy or two at best – wow for you, you won the internet…), so a gentleman (well, I’m not 100% sure really) let me in and I meant to do the courtesy wave, instead, for some reason unbeknownst to me even though I was the one producing the physical gesture, I kind of did a half point up instead of the approved wave form, and I did not see a reply in my rear view, so I hoped that my message was not ill-received, it made me think of a few things, one being the state of courtesy and kindness and my role in that, which is what I started rambling about here…

is there a point to actually doing these sort of things?
I won’t make a difference even if I do these things.

Logically it is hard to argue against the above summation. However, I postulate to you (the one reading this) that it is better to strive for better even though we will certainly fall short (especially if you jump off a curb, joke). but more aptly…

“In the face of imminent death I would rather go with a smile than a scowl.”

Maybe this is simplistic, obvious, childlike, stupid, corny (insert your adjective of choice here)… Sure, I get it, but what is the alternative? And is that better off for all those involved (ahem, humanity) in the long run? This brings me to the intention of intent. Deep down we know what we are engaged in when we do it, but does someone else ever do (or do we assume)? Instincts are great but perhaps a pause in mind before an action, or an extra mental step to look down the line would better serve the end. Good intentions do not always have the expected result so use them with care, and like any other tool hone your skill as you grow. Why do people not think practice matters when it comes to courtesy and kindness.  I posit that it is like any other thing we choose to do.  The first time you stumble or perhaps screw the pooch entirely…. but given time you screw up less, that is the hope at best. Good intentions blended with proper preperation.

I don’t say all this to be preachy or pretend for even a barren nano-second that I embrace these ideals every minute of every day, in fact the fact that I have to expound these thoughts this way may mean they are not my natural inclination, perhaps true, however, I am choosing to look at that impossibly impassable mountain before me and climb anyway, surely, many days I wake and will not have the energy or verve to tackle the task…

but keep my eyes forward focused on the path

And somewhere along this blog road, perhaps, I can drag a few souls in a positive direction, at least, I think and that is my wish, with all of this.

might I keep these words alive
as with a beacon’s light
that faith may guide my mind
and god will temper my hand

(…and with that, good night my friends, exit stage dave)

people silhouette during sunset
Photo by Min An on Pexels.com

 

Music to read by… Fine Art of Friendship (King’s X)