went unsaid but mere words I thought my deeds the weight of motion so I thought now the deepest wound the unhealed hole is roughly hewn by hands known went unsaid and never will a numbness until my death carried lumber unto my bed pulled by mules on carts wheels churned in sand the further I go the closer I come all that is past can not be undone regardless of prayer or passing seasons some joyous more than some but still left inside – went unsaid
notes… my weekly delve into the depths of my heart and the loss thereof, how I squandered love, true love, I am not saying there is nothing beyond, but experience tells me it will never be as easy as it was with her, it just ‘fit’, hard to explain it just was, which drives my logic side insane but adds infinite fuel to my romantic side… in other words it drives me nuts…
a birthday candle made upon one selfish wish a moment with her
notes… and so the pining does muster on, I’d like to pretend I don’t think about things, and how I might make them different, and all the other fantasies in my mind, but I will always remain hopeful, as the random tide of the world brought us together once, maybe there is sequel in there somewhere (and not a rewrite with bad actors), I am a cork in the river in that way, letting the universe work things out, I am not sure if that is the right approach, when it comes to such things I am not sure about much… at all…
underrated… much like me… my humor is subtle, you have to trust me on that front, these guys almost made it, like a lot of bands, they had the goods but just didn’t “hit” enough for the label to push them at the time, they are still around (the guys, not the band) in various forms… or so I am told…
“if words could fare thee well I would write them if words could bridge that gap I would find them if words could relay my love I would deliver them”
notes… thursday, the arbitrary day I choose to muse on her, my love, wherever she may be at the moment, I hope the world holds her well, all I can do is hope for her
back to my regularly scheduled programming… Thursdays are for the lachrymose, those moments when I reflect on her…
Photo by Vincent Albos on Pexels.com
“a slow pour, in a bar in paradise islamorada, florida sitting on a stool of course, by myself top shelf surprised they have basil’s, a slow pour some would describe this exquisite a perfect sunset light slides along the gulf like all those postcards I suppose I could just buy a bottle and some pills and end this right now as there is something missing in the midst of all this glory, a slow pour – the rattle of melting cubes the sharp sting of bourbon punctures my tongue the view, massages like a familiar tune the hum of gentle conversation I am not involved in, a. slow. pour. … the deck overlooks overlaps the water lapping the pylons sips count the minutes here in locked distant beauty in a bar, in paradise on the water I contemplate life – without you”
notes… this is totally a mental picture for me, and my link to Islamorada above shows… even in the midst of what most would consider paradise…. I remain, on those warm nights, ocean breeze, wishing you were there next to me, I still have hope, down there, somewhere, for new love or the kindling of old (for her, I love you)…
and in the interest of being honest, I was disappointed that my last post got no love… maybe the way I tagged it ? not sure.. but either way I stand by it with pride….
“Shower in the AM” memory trigger every day I engage in this morning ritual today, flashed to the past -a quite unexpected break, from the norm
hot waterfalls flowing down the curved contours of your back and my hands float soap foam follows and accents down, your palms upon on my chest jet hair black back our eyes lock sensual glare our bodies locked bare knowing someone else’s body as close as yours in this downpour
I remember our apartment room for two and a zoo, the time we were together, in love
a simple shower a tiny detail of that life I had forgotten, tried to forget how could I have forgotten the reminder back to the present. you are not here – I dry off, and go to work.
notes… this is a very personal one, I wrote it back in may, completed it (as it were) today, sort of just a revision, I don’t know if I will ever shake her, probably not honestly, I hope for her sake she has forgotten me, I don’t wish anyone to be mired in this, sometimes I feel it like an anchor but tell myself I have not drowned so it can not be… it can not be… for I am here, I am trying to love her and yet allow for love to replace what is gone by my own hand, so there is guilt there, and truth, and love… I wish I had the strength to just cut through it all like I know I have to… but I don’t, I am searching, and I am optimistic, I am always optimistic…
I dare you to find a finer vocalist… jasmine is friggin ridiculous. This tune was the theme song for perhaps one of the best anime series ever made – LAIN, it is like the matrix on crack, watch it, it is heady and smart.. and the soundtrack? well… astounding…
and .. thanks for all the likes, comments, quiche recipes and whatnot… I am enjoying interacting with you all, thanks (I bowed).
sometimes Ithink of slogans, or slug lines, or t-shirt sayings, sometimes they are poems or something else… these both came to me tonight in my car driving home, stuck in traffic on the GSP, a theme for me, sometimes traffic gets me down, sometimes I am inspired, tonight, I must admit I was listening to the new Tycho album and just digging it, it transported me, away from all the base garbage of the sitting in traffic experience, even the fumes in the rest area did not confound me, maybe it will kill me in the long run, but right now? I feel pretty good. I do not have the love of a partner but I do have life, so at least I have possibility still… and that is enough (sometimes)…
Photo by Justin Hamilton on Pexels.com
(1) beacon may I cast light out into the world unto you and be a beacon in dark times may I remember and be reminded of the light within and be a beacon of truth and of love
Photo by Ivandrei Pretorius on Pexels.com
(2) inspire, be that light to guide others forward into their own
they see – saw she – saw their – love balanced each – other
notes: visual and minimal was my goal, you decide if I met the mark, just one of those little poems that came to me for no reason I can ascertain… and I will leave you with that, I have some cool stuff to post this weekend, I went out of my way today to find some local beauty (find beauty wherever it may be is one of my guiding functions these days), I have some cool photos to post from a little excursion I made, oddly no words came to me, I wrote nothing although I brought my journal and got some looks…. “why is this business dressed guy holding a leather bound book/journal thing, smiling and walking out on the pier in the middle of this heat??” – yeah, I imagine I illicit that mental conversation… I stick out, but I try really to not care anymore and just do my thing… I am getting there… one day I will shake hands with myself and sigh “finally…”
6.12.19 if –
the after life
is –
and I might die today
I would wish to see you tomorrow
with you
only you
my lost
my love
6.8.19 “self inflicted“ I have been led to believe that time heals all wounds so how does that explain, you from fortune cookies to books wiser than me from veteran mouths with far more experience and yet-
wounds leave scars as tales of reminder sign post detours but this, this is alteration my self inflicted sentence even the blame feels empty against the missing to never be honored by your love again penance is no medicine age is no doctor for you are in my heart for all ever after.
notes… I am kicking around the idea of making lost.love.letters a regular thing, I write a lot about her because I think about her a lot, it is something that I can not shake, at least for now, so… maybe I will do it as a thursday thing, thunder day, because that is what is in my heart. (of course technically I am posting on friday… but cmon…)
ck, no, not su, or fu, ‘c.k’. meaning Courtesy and Kindness… I am not going to go on with some long harangue (excellent word btw) about how there is less of these attributes populating the world today, because:
a) how would I know b) what’s the point anyway?
So (genesis of this), I was driving down the Parkway Sunday to spend the day in a lovely park (Big Brook) and the Parkway is already showing signs of “shore traffic“, that is the typical backup of the South direction in the morning, North in the evening, something you get quite used to being a New Jersey resident, there is an absolute mad dash down the roadway on every weekend starting, well, yesterday I suppose (it is not totally scientific, forgive my dalliance), so I had to deal with this super heavy merge, I try to be judicious with my driving (I am a big believer in alternate merging, I seriously don’t understand those who actively block you, I mean, you are gaining a car length buddy or two at best – wow for you, you won the internet…), so a gentleman (well, I’m not 100% sure really) let me in and I meant to do the courtesy wave, instead, for some reason unbeknownst to me even though I was the one producing the physical gesture, I kind of did a half point up instead of the approved wave form, and I did not see a reply in my rear view, so I hoped that my message was not ill-received, it made me think of a few things, one being the state of courtesy and kindness and my role in that, which is what I started rambling about here…
is there a point to actually doing these sort of things? I won’t make a difference even if I do these things.
Logically it is hard to argue against the above summation. However, I postulate to you (the one reading this) that it is better to strive for better even though we will certainly fall short (especially if you jump off a curb, joke). but more aptly…
“In the face of imminent death I would rather go with a smile than a scowl.”
Maybe this is simplistic, obvious, childlike, stupid, corny (insert your adjective of choice here)… Sure, I get it, but what is the alternative? And is that better off for all those involved (ahem, humanity) in the long run? This brings me to the intention of intent. Deep down we know what we are engaged in when we do it, but does someone else ever do (or do we assume)? Instincts are great but perhaps a pause in mind before an action, or an extra mental step to look down the line would better serve the end. Good intentions do not always have the expected result so use them with care, and like any other tool hone your skill as you grow. Why do people not think practice matters when it comes to courtesy and kindness. I posit that it is like any other thing we choose to do. The first time you stumble or perhaps screw the pooch entirely…. but given time you screw up less, that is the hope at best. Good intentions blended with proper preperation.
I don’t say all this to be preachy or pretend for even a barren nano-second that I embrace these ideals every minute of every day, in fact the fact that I have to expound these thoughts this way may mean they are not my natural inclination, perhaps true, however, I am choosing to look at that impossibly impassable mountain before me and climb anyway, surely, many days I wake and will not have the energy or verve to tackle the task…
but keep my eyes forward focused on the path
And somewhere along this blog road, perhaps, I can drag a few souls in a positive direction, at least, I think and that is my wish, with all of this.
might I keep these words alive
as with a beacon’s light
that faith may guide my mind
and god will temper my hand
(…and with that, good night my friends, exit stage dave)