dearest, I can not wash, forget, forgive or absolve my mistakes, sins and regrets. They wear on me like a poison, an eventual death, certain. But even with that – you must know, I must tell you, with desperation, as life fades with every moment passed, that I will love you – always, time and distance has not healed nor forgotten nor dulled, and now may you know this, you will be the last name on these lips, the last gasp of my air shall be yours, the last sound I hear, my last thought on this earth, will all, all be of you, as I pass, my love, you will be all.
notes: in some strange or even perverse manner I am speaking to her, in my mind, like she can hear me, if she is even the same person anymore, or am I even, or does it matter, maybe I am speaking to a memory only, I just need to speak to something, maybe somehow in the mysterious ways of the universe, maybe she can hear me or feel my sentiment if in even just in the evening breeze for a brief moment upon her skin…
“for not a page turns without your words nor does not one breath pass without your air and is this caravan a burden born wanders wanders ever to find that good oasis but once more”
notes… to her. I can not say I am beholden, it is my own doing, my own undoing, knowing a thing does not solve a thing. sometimes my only respite is simple lines, as these, a temporary reprieve at that…
So, bear with me, I took the pause this morning (a brief respite to try and take things in before diving into my ‘meaningful’ daily life), and admittedly this morning was a much better view than last, an exceptional one perhaps, the frost was rightly appointed on the lawn begging for attention in the twenty seven degree nation, I just do not have some snappy metaphor on my tongue for the description this morning, the sun was as bright as can be in the winter, just barely peaking out over the crest of the house roof, right in my eyes but not blinding, the dog decides to do a barrel roll in the grass, something she does, always has, I never understood it, but she enjoys it, at least that is my perception, perception is reality, no, reality is reality, I call her inside and get in the car, the ice has formed some perfect snowflake structures on my windshield, not enough to obstruct my view and require scraping, just that nice frosting on the bottom half, the sky is real blue, that nearly singular screaming blue you tell yourself is a ‘perfect sky’, the type of blue you would book online if you could, but somehow, something is missing, at least today, I feel I am in that zone where all cliches seem to be failure, or at least pale platitudes, ignorance is bliss, no, it is just being unaware so you slip into bliss as the other options are not options available at the time, better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, so they say, file this in the bliss/ignorance category,I can feel it pulling, my emotional compass strongly points to her, just one of those things, regardless of the beauty of the day, am I forcing my mood or is this just a natural state, I choose to indulge my staircase downward, tune the tunes to tunes that make me reminisce, you can’t hug a photograph, you can’t caress a dream, but in my mind I wind up doing all these things, I just keep reliving that moment, a kiss to the forehead as I said that goodbye, frozen in time still, a singular moment I can not seem to escape but for forgetting for bits of times, I know I should not dwell there, but I do, I try to think of a see saw, the one side seems heavier down with regret, but to that end would have never led without the love and experience with her itself, every path has an end, we have to traverse the path, this is no linear equation though, there is always a slope downward, time is not a staircase upwards, always onward downward, just the way it works, I suppose my mood is not lifted by the industrial ugliness lining the jersey turnpike as I drive, all crowned by that ultra blue sky, cement dominant boundaries, oil containers, factories, foul smoke rising, that burning flame, drowning in the sameness, lost in thought, locked in a jail of my own thought in this tin box plodding the road along, the rational whispering to remember to savor being alive at all, true, but truth does not always tuck you in to calm, even if you know it should…
“for I am“ in the dawn of my dying days awaiting my birth to be reborn for I am truly and forever yours sustenance brought unto your shores may heavenly vision shun your eyes so I may pass and grant refuge, for you sacrifice to the bearer so you may go, along that river for I am truly and forever yours for divine light shall strip my flesh bare strip by strip and cook my bones so I might spare you a moment of death I will gladly suffer the tolerance the toll no burden shall fail to fall for I am truly and forever yours dare I face the gauntlet of god inside the crucible of a dying star collapsing pressure beyond all humanity before and gone all so you may walk upon a golden gossamer waking dawn may all your suffering be laid upon my door for, I am, my love, yours truly and forever more
notes… part of my lost love letters collection where I contemplate her, the one, my only true ex whom I will hold some love at some level forever, the LLL works are compiled on my collections and series page (scroll down a touch), so if you like this one check out the others, I try to keep everything current, however this is a hobby, an outlet, a needed one, I admit, but sometimes life butts in, you know, how it has a tendency to do…
music…. (something about the guitar sound just sounds like pain to me, the vocals for “what’s inside says” just rules, it begins to rock and then subdues)
“if for one more time might I hear the songbirds song outright up upon summer’s dawn and feel the warmth of that good sun one last time before I am utterly gone from this place back to the ground to be remade yet might I hear that sound one more time one dear final time to hear that bird and her song”
notes… a little more subtle this week, same theme though, lost.love.letters is now archived on my collections page (if it is something you dig).
enamored if my words were silk sheets wrapped around your naked skin sultry eyes, captivation luring time as clock hands spin step outside my own dimension desire two makes one by my own extension hairs on end at attention
notes… a slightly different tact this week kind of like last week but not, remembering the absence of presence, waking up every day next to her, seems like someone else’s dream these days and certainly not reality or my own memory anymore…
a slightly different tact this week, lost love? to be sure, but perhaps a bright light to disarm the night, to lead forth into the day… perhaps, such is the gift of remembrance at times…
“butterfly“ I saw a butterfly a wandering circles in flowing long loops in patterns somehow familiar so long has this been for I recognize in this, her this many years was this my life in that other lifetime like a dream embedded in my memory your dropped note and all that was is now at my front door my first love before I knew what love was all wrapped in new circumstance the warm naivete of innocence ah, I feel it now sweet jo where have you been that different life tangent what could have been and still this feels the same I remember well our time even if your name has faded from my every day and days indeed your note brought this all back holding your hand your gentle touch the electricity conducted through oh my first love how have you been? so many possibilities on life’s divergent path has crossed ours once more if only for a chat
notes… my first real love sent me a note recently, it was quite unexpected and out of the blue, amazing to have something still stirring there inside after all these years, buried somewhere deep in the years of me but not gone, I was just a kid but I remember distinctly so much, she fell asleep in my lap as we watched TV at her mother’s house, I felt she trusted me fully at that point and it was just a life affirming moment, little things, it is always the little things that are the binding… and the things we miss…
I am the saint to my sins the almighty absolver unable to bend the knee and forgive for penance does not placate the past nor clear the tomes, so written
let the sky fall let the stars drop down up from the heaven break onto the ground for, I have lost her
let my blood dry in a dead river bed let my last breath escape prepare my soul for departure for, I have lost her
with such clarity after all this wandering a clutched mirage might I lay down and rest now let my mind release for, I have lost her
note…. my weekly nod to the romantic side, a side that has been waning but is always hopeful
music… King’s X – Goldilox(a lost 80s rock ballad but some get it… have you ever seen an audience sing the whole song? and this is what it is like at a KX concert over the years)
Shades of My Garden 