so, I am a big believer in taking that quick moment, a pause, a deep breath, before diving into the deep end of my day, just taking a peek at the world, right before I hop into my car in the morning, today was one of those where I remembered this exception, as I truly try, I fail to remember my mantra daily, even if it is my mantra, the rat race is a seductive thing, an all encompassing thing, a real beast of revelation, of distraction, it takes a moment of concentration to step off the running wheel now and again, so my observation, from this morning, was well… underwhelming, I mean, every morning can’t be some glorious spectacle of spectacular sunshine shining on my glib countenance, or even a resurgence of miraculous splendor to uplift and charge the soul with boundless energy, sometimes, well, often, things are, things are just, well, average, which is not to say that is a bad thing, beats the alternative, today could be one of those depressing gray days that, as a quasi-dramatic writing soul artistic type, I love to drone on and on about in some over exaggerated drippy gothic tones, but… it is not, the frost today, what there was of it, was sort of non impressive, sometimes frost can give a lawn silent dignity like a splash of grey on the periphery of aging hair, or it can provide a background for the glamorous glimmer of the sun’s refraction and reflections, no, not today, today it sort of just looks quite dull, tired, lazily waiting for the day’s rays to evaporate it out of it’s misery, the sky is much the same as I drive, there is the blue atmosphere up on top but not dominant, the clouds are more like ‘cloud’, one running into another into another, not pretty, or defined, sort of what I imagine the windy plains of the middle states are in winter, all the same for miles, sans buffalo of course, they can’t fly, well, at least not in this reality, I would quite imagine they would not be so graceful an avian vision anyway, their wings would have to be like an airliners outstretched just to maintain that bulk amongst the drafts, but since there is nothing so entertaining up there now I have to settle for this, an underwhelming mass of the familiar on a day not so peculiar, even the manhattan skyline approach seems bland, the empire state building looks dated compared to the gleaming rowdy neighbors that have moved in these decades, so modern, for now, but not iconic, at least to me, the sun cracks through just a bit right to left as I approach route 80, so I can see the reflection off the pools in the meadowlands, a tame swamp if there ever was, this isn’t so bad I think, how many ingredients go into this concoction of mood, and how we choose to stir the brew, perhaps a better steward I should be, for what I allow to influence the day, and little ole me…
the whimsy and agony of traffic, I got off at a relatively early time (for me), had to fill up the tank, no problem, on my way back toward the GSP, NJ Transit bus in front, pulls over for a stop, I can not pass (double yellow) so I chill out for a moment, then a minute, I am barely past the intersection, the light turns, I feel it pulsing in my rear view mirror, the pressure is mounting up lining up behind me, three minutes now, weighing breaking traffic laws and scooting around, “eh, how much longer could it be?” I think, foolishly, indeed, three now stretches past five, I can hear the people’s thoughts behind me screaming WTF inside my mind, a couple of cars in back tuck turn tail around as they have routes of escape, not me, right behind the big silver sardine barge wondering what the hell is going on, so, just as I am ready to make an illegal K turn (or maybe more like an F), the bus lurches forward, and then I see the cause of my torture, a man, in a strange colored rain parka (it was not raining), the hood tightly on framing his gaunt face, the same weird gray beige as his rain gear and boots made for flooding, or wading, either way, not boots made for asphalt pavement, at least not tonight, he was surrounded, quite literally by a circular fortress of bags, plastic grocery bags, all double bagged, had to be about thirty, I can not imagine how tedious that would be to board and un-board a bus with that cargo, how nicely cramped his bus neighbors must have been, the man, and his force-field of bags was also quite in the road, so I had to tiptoe (ahem, break) across the double yellow lines as to not smash his carefully placed bag telemetry, ah, the irony, anyway, that was not the first stop, next was only one hundred feet up the block, but this was no bus stop, I know where all those are, being this is the town where I work, the next one is quite far, farther down past the overpass at least, I can barely make out the lights trying to bend around the bus, something is amiss, an accident? ya’ gotta’ be kiddin’ me now what (in my not so strong more north jersey accent)?? (another few minutes now pass as I stew in my own juices), I notice the bus looks confused, I mean, by the driver’s actions I can sense that the driver does not know what to do or what is up, either do I, but after Mr. Bags back there I was not getting stuck, this time, while I did not cross a double yellow, I did the worse and ducked to the right, a bit of daylight to a street I knew I could escape to, for a moment I thought the bus was going to turn right as well, right into me, he hinted a turn, but I slipped by, unscathed, took a look down the street back, yep, emergency construction or something, the road was closed totally the way I was going, what luck! so, down the escape path I sped, happy to wind through back to route 46 and the GSP…
…of course there was traffic on the GSP, why wouldn’t there be? was the world conspiring against me ? certainly feels that way, I put on the classical station to soothe the savage beast looking to burst forth, tchaikovsky, and a number I am familiar with, one that brings me back to a day when I had the previn driven nutcracker suite on tape, the one thing about tape is it made you mostly listen to the whole thing, fast forward and reverse were not exactly convenient, or exact, until they came up with that thing where they stopped at gaps in sound, which was a revelation at the time, oh how the little things satisfied, not the one button at our fingertips convenience of the now, or even voice commands, so anyway, this put me in a better place to deal, with the bumper to bumper ordeal laid out before me this night, I almost wish the parkway was not so exact, when you are speeding along you hardly notice, when you are limping along it is hard not to notice the mile markers…
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they seem stuck on numbers for miles, the thump thump thump of the road on the tires, it is like a cruel parody of those wheels at the boardwalk where you never win anything cool anyway, why do the hosts on classical radio all sound like they are americans trying to sound like british royalty? sometimes it is annoying, sometimes soothing, but it just is, finally, I near my exit, I can see it, that guy is going to cut me off, that jeep, two lanes over, here it comes, yep, darts in front of me as if there is some emergency, or the four car lengths behind me were inadequate compared to the space between the forward lexus just ahead of me, since I am expecting all manner of bad luck or dumb luck or no luck this does not phase me, or irk me, or even bring me to a rousing boil like it might on some days, no, I am accepting my beating by the gods today, might as well take it on the chin than scream into a hurricane, Mr. Cutmeoff is going to also realize he is in the wrong lane and jerk back into this turning lane, yep, I’m a traffic psychic in a sea of psychos this evening, I should buy a lotto ticket but there would probably be a long line at the local krauszer’s, finally I am on the road home, good old route 27, I figure I deserve a treat, so I decide to travel a little further up the street, maybe whet my beak at the local irish pub, or better yet pick up some tasty latin grub, I opt for option two, so I head towards Metuchen, which is really the belly button, well, donut hole of Edison, a little main street nugget of idyllic Americana if there was such a representation in New Jersey, this can’t be… I see those ominous flashing lights ahead, I was in the clear for so long now, I should have just packed it in on the final stretch, apparently I do not learn my lessons well, as I approach the lights, I realize (exhale with glee)… not on my side, of the road, and a cop is literally standing there with his hand out stopping traffic without warning, I feel for you my poor fellow souls over there, I really do, but for now I slip by, I just chuckle to myself, there is no way traffic, this ambiguous thing, this idea, there is no way Traffic has a sense of humor… or vengeance… is there?
“All the ways into this grot were then sealed against the entry of water or aught else, all save one.” — J. R. R. Tolkien, The Two Towers, 1954
I think about this often, no matter how clever I am, no matter how smart, I am human, and subject to fault, regardless of how many thousands of times I have done things right, and how I can pull results from thin air at times, I am not a robot nor a computer, although my coworkers might accuse me of either, I am well aware of my fallibility, my humanity, my mortality, we all reflect on it in days like these, Kobe Bryant is just another person, a very talented one in his field, I want no one to die but I mourn more for his young daughter that had not the chance to live, he lived, he had an amazing life, cut short, as are so many given history, but a 10 year old boy was shot in Newburgh NY today as well, those are the ones I mourn for, the ones that didn’t have the chance to reflect on life like I can and have, I feel a guilt and a shame for not being everything every minute I could be, I am not sure where to take it, if life matters at all, I have made it this far, I will continue on but have I squandered it all…. so I question, so I breathe… so I try to be that better person even if the end is the same…
in the dawn of man in the first of light our ancestors looked up towards the sun from there imagined past this life and now with all our knowledge since we look outward to the stars to find life past our own
notes… to me we always and still look to the sun, the light is a dominant force in our life, and yet we are just a little system out on the fringe arm of a galaxy among millions, we can see past our little neighborhood cosmically, how often do we really think about it in our daily life? perspective is an endless lens that asks questions. poem wise I was going for pace and syllables, seems silly playing among the stars… but it is what I do, to be me, or am me….
so you grand tree does thee wait guard the dead and call them out in st dygain’s yard beyond the gate there you wait, date to date, on the promise, all hallows eve all the world’s ear leans towards that tree not wanting to hear that prophetic voice and bear witness to angelystor, no, not by choice for role is the call of the dead might your name, might be read do not be bold and curse the land for bear you will with Rhobert’s hand and know now that halloween has past your name not whispered cross those limbs from the depths of that ancient root you are not called back bound eternity under that shadow of Llangernyw Yew
notes… so my friend inspiration came knocking, we have been sort of passing each other on the street in sight so often, but this time a knock on the door from an old friend, invited in, sit down for a bit of tea, yes, I am a sucker for earl grey,burgamot is citrus after all, a unique lemon, I know not why I get the visit, I just sit and listen, and so transcribe my notes… (I will annotate this poem later with my many references, as I am known to do)
“dream” in decay I can feel your breath on the back my hand as I caress your cheek your stark black hair framed in soft white light you exist my angel everything I need to know you tell my with your eyes everything I ever needed my love in bed, on my side just staring into your eyes this is all I ever wanted this moment is all I ever had for a dream once real this feels of then don’t let me wake let this be my death
*part of an ongoing series, my heart beat as it were, if you like this then please check out the rest (scroll down a hair)… thanks for all looks, likes, comments, all that. oh, and yeah, line 9 is not a typo, it is there because I let words out for the reader to fill in… “my …” when you are expecting “me” there, just sayin…
so I drive up to the drive up atm tonight, to deposit my check, from last week, pretty normal stuff here, of course, of course the atm is closed (more specifically unavailable), why? why? sure, I know today is a fed holiday but I just want to deposit a check fer crissake (a little cash pull out wouldn’t have hurt either), so I pull around the other side to use the walk up atm, I park, and immediately I am flanked by another car, SUV actually, obnoxiously that came in the wrong way against the one way disturbing my vibe, but at least they didn’t park on top of my ass, so I pop out, to get my business done, this atm has problems too but deposits ain’t one of them (so the screen says), I log in, cover my code, and lo and behold, the deposit button is not available, ya gotta’ be kiddin’ me, so, struck out as it were, and I wasn’t going for three, the person, a guy, hops out of the caddy escalade, I try to be a nice guy, “hey man, this ATM is not working, the one around the corner either”, as to not waste his time, his answer, well question, flummoxed me, “WHY?” he says, looking at me pretty hard for an answer, now, I am not sure if this gentleman does not realize, I certainly am not an employee of Wells Fargo, not eight at night, not walking away from an ATM and flagging him down, so I managed a “it just is, no cash, no deposit, you can’t do anything on it man”, again, without pause and a stern straight gaze, “WHY?” wtf is with this guy, so I just shrug and get back to my car, of course I hang out for a bit pretending to play with my phone, but watching live in my mirrors, I had to make sure that his trip to the ATM ended just as mine, it did, I drove off oddly satisfied, at least he had fair warning… why?
the first real snow of the season, easy to admire the beauty, that childish urge to rush to the window to observe the wonder, even at work, back at my desk, I feel the urge, so I do, scurry out for a peak or two, a proper snow storm looks like it will never end, “is it sticking” is the always refrain around these parts, and today, yes, the ground was quite cold enough, as when I woke up there was a 25 sitting in the thermometer, well, on my phone app, so the world was quite prepared for the coating, that pristine white coating, like all perfect things the shelf life is quite fleeting, so instead of losing the moment, I decided to drive down a few miles from the office, a place I have been before, but sometimes there are a few too many people there for my taste, for me to enjoy the view in a singular fashion, this evening, not so much, not a soul, a historic place, a bridge to nowhere these days, but there is just something about places like this that remind you of the age of land and the faint of man, footprints, so many, have crossed this path, even founding fathers, british soldiers, and now just adjacent to an ordinary brick duplex apartment complex, such the juxtaposition, the position of this relic, preserved, of the past, in cosmic time a blink, in our time many lifetimes since, times we can only read about in books, the time that made the faces on our bills and coins in our pockets, a war, so long forgotten that those we fought are considered our closest friends in the world, a big brother, so to speak, we even love, as people, to follow the comings and goings of their royals, once the ones with the very thumbs that capped our freedom, to be in a place, from that time, this was not America, this was an extension of a foreign power, a foreign hand, so so long ago it seems, so here we are…
epilogue: I leave, quite cold from ‘braving’ (not very brave but my hands were cold) the weather, clicking photos and capturing videos out by the water, the snow is already turning, the plows are churning scraping down the blocks, by the time I get home there is full on rain, the once monolithic white blanket is mere ice soup, with clumps of cream left here and there where the rain has not corrupted yet, and I pause to think back, at least I caught the time, the moment, took the time, spun in the storm, captured a moment, now gone.
sometimes I do not know why my mind goes to the places it does, ideas and thoughts pop in there like a spinning roulette wheel, no, that’s not a good analogy really, there is always the same numbers, perhaps a roulette wheel with constant changing numbers if you could concoct such a contrivance, that would be more accurate, anyway, I was driving home from work tonight, musing, to music as usual, and this feeling came over me, that feeling, one that has not visited this part of the woods in quite sometime, many years even, just that spark, I remember, that initial burst of joy I felt when opening gifts during holiday times or maybe a birthday, I immerse swim in the memory immediately, not liking just ripping gifts open like a wild savage beast, the wrapping paper had value to me, I always peeled the tape, carefully, like a gift ninja in heat, I guess it fit my particular nature, my beat, I tried to avoid letting the tape from pulling up the wrapping paper to where I would see under the epidermis white, almost as if I was peeling off a band aid from a summer dried knee scrape, not wanting to disturb the underneath, my attention to such details seems so singularly silly now, but that buzz of happiness from knowing the gift was coming, that time was here, to see what the haul had brought, inspecting the packages I could always tell (with great excitement) the ones that were various specific things asked for and granted, how exactly big a nintendo cartridge was, and there was only so many out at the time, the double wait time, first the unwrapping, then counting the moments for the crowd family to disperse so you could play the darn thing, play it until your hands were bloody stumps or your feet fell asleep from the awkward seat on the floor you took, the other stack of gifts, that would sit for a day in the unwrapping place, the sweaters, the socks, one year I got underwear I think, not very festive in retrospective…
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been awhile since I felt the sensation, I guess I do not like receiving gifts and haven’t for a while now, I prefer giving them but not at the prescribed told time or in the limelight, I like to be spontaneous (when I see something that makes me think of you I buy it) which has caused some consternation among the ‘normal’ folk in my clan, but I persevere, sometimes questioning my modus operandi as a gimmick and not pure, or wondering if there is something wrong with me, moments of self doubt, but I remember those surprise gifts and the reactions, not the awkward looks as I lurk on the periphery of current defined celebrations, I am glad for the memories, the rush, that feeling when I was kid, but I am also awkwardly happy and even sometimes content with the path I have laid, even if comfort in my decisions evades me at times.
for upon your children’s children a parade of red roses ash blows the sky for generations remain locked beneath in shallow graves foundation of bone fire on the feet countless clock hands clap a breath, a clasp moment a heart, a beat to pulse sweet blood on track how the world eye remains fixed a glorious host the vessel of birth the cradle that serves the ending desires of the natural way of all that may be expanding one day collapsing the cycle of near infinity loops back upon your children’s children a procession of possession travel on for as long as time will permit as time shall exist
notes… I will let this one stand alone, it was one of those that I say “wrote itself” for whatever that is worth, your thoughts on the matter are always appreciated…
Shades of My Garden 