sometimes I do not know why my mind goes to the places it does, ideas and thoughts pop in there like a spinning roulette wheel, no, that’s not a good analogy really, there is always the same numbers, perhaps a roulette wheel with constant changing numbers if you could concoct such a contrivance, that would be more accurate, anyway, I was driving home from work tonight, musing, to music as usual, and this feeling came over me, that feeling, one that has not visited this part of the woods in quite sometime, many years even, just that spark, I remember, that initial burst of joy I felt when opening gifts during holiday times or maybe a birthday, I immerse swim in the memory immediately, not liking just ripping gifts open like a wild savage beast, the wrapping paper had value to me, I always peeled the tape, carefully, like a gift ninja in heat, I guess it fit my particular nature, my beat, I tried to avoid letting the tape from pulling up the wrapping paper to where I would see under the epidermis white, almost as if I was peeling off a band aid from a summer dried knee scrape, not wanting to disturb the underneath, my attention to such details seems so singularly silly now, but that buzz of happiness from knowing the gift was coming, that time was here, to see what the haul had brought, inspecting the packages I could always tell (with great excitement) the ones that were various specific things asked for and granted, how exactly big a nintendo cartridge was, and there was only so many out at the time, the double wait time, first the unwrapping, then counting the moments for the crowd family to disperse so you could play the darn thing, play it until your hands were bloody stumps or your feet fell asleep from the awkward seat on the floor you took, the other stack of gifts, that would sit for a day in the unwrapping place, the sweaters, the socks, one year I got underwear I think, not very festive in retrospective…

been awhile since I felt the sensation, I guess I do not like receiving gifts and haven’t for a while now, I prefer giving them but not at the prescribed told time or in the limelight, I like to be spontaneous (when I see something that makes me think of you I buy it) which has caused some consternation among the ‘normal’ folk in my clan, but I persevere, sometimes questioning my modus operandi as a gimmick and not pure, or wondering if there is something wrong with me, moments of self doubt, but I remember those surprise gifts and the reactions, not the awkward looks as I lurk on the periphery of current defined celebrations, I am glad for the memories, the rush, that feeling when I was kid, but I am also awkwardly happy and even sometimes content with the path I have laid, even if comfort in my decisions evades me at times.