thoughts from the porch… (rain revelation)

thoughts from the porch… (rain revelation)

close up of silhouette against blue sky
Photo by Lum3n.com on Pexels.com

there is something about that first drop of true spring rain landing upon your bottom lip, strangely, the top lip impact is just not the same, kind of a drop hanging off a rooftop edge, or sliding off an umbrella’s side like a slug, there is something mystical about that one first kiss on the lower lip drop serenaded by the conversations of the spring birds that abound, such an up-swell of renewal that even ponce would be jealous of, this is not even proper rain, more like a hard drizzle, and then the inevitable patter of cloud siblings as they hit your outer wear, that distinct acoustic sound, a singular drum tone you know so well, no tune you can recall but a beat and rhythm you know so, so well, and then to the eyes, you can see the physical drops racing by, more like bolts and lines than drops really, the word ‘drop’ has such a specific look to the conjuration, rarely do you see actual drops of rain if you care to think about it, I desperately want this to be a pure baptism of spring, wash away the winter and all the dire darkness shrouding the world in the now, the subtle reminder, the tap on the shoulder, the realization, this is April, a gateway, there is a corridor and an ending lest we lose view of it at times, there is a spring, be it a metaphor or a tangible fruit to bear and then pick for sustinence forward, be sure, spring is there, pushing ever up against the dam of this damn winter, gathering such weight behind the barrier until winter can only relent and burst, this is the way of things, regardless of our cares, cars, cities, quibbles, arguments, tv shows, sports teams, skyscrapers, all of it, just window dressing against the never ending machine of this small earth confined to the laws of the expanding universe, size and scope is all perspective, and sometimes the little details need to realign your vision or perception, to bring you back to actual reality, the way of the world and as it will be, when the winter is undone as it always will be.

notes… inspiration is a tease, a master, a slave, all these, I am trying my best to bend to the wind in those sails and write everything as it is… to me, that is, if you expect someone else, well, that’s silly, I am just trying to be the me, feeling better these days amongst the forest of deadly disease that has surrounded my whole existence, today was not my day to go, hopefully not soon either, but you never know, I am trying to encapsulate my thoughts here… on this little blog, and I would be remiss, without thanks, to whatever god there is or not, but I would lean towards “is” because why do all this if there is nothing, there could be nothing, yes, there could be, but there could be more, so I would rather plant my flag in that land without colors on that flag, just the flag that says I am here, I was here, I am…

thoughts from the porch… (transport yourself)

thoughts from the porch… (transport yourself)

silhouette of person walking
Photo by Subham Dash on Pexels.com

lose your mind in the last wash of sunshine, this is certainly not a warm night, according to the local weather acolyte a storm is approaching, that certainly explains the wind, sometimes wind has a sinister character, sometimes not, this would be the former, I can not adequately explain in reason that I feel no malice in this wind, maybe I can not tell by the expressions through the trees, for there are certainly gusts and gales, and roars tails spiriting through me and all around, this just feels like wind doing what it was meant to do regardless of my observation or being here, nature’s clock hands ticking, rattling bamboo stalks against the house, rousing the evergreens like fluffing an old comfy couch, there, watching the last bits of amber drain fade into purples dark, branches are still like charcoal sketches now, shadow sticks, mostly hiding nothing, just red hanging buds shaking on the ends like abandoned naked christmas trees, various birds crisscross and pay me no mind, they have their lives as I have mine, a little one lands about twelve fifteen o’clock out front, displayed in the last waves of the day, a framed silhouette in amber, riding the branch as it slides up and down in the wind, such a little compact thing, not bothered at all by the gathering breeze…

dusk evening flowers nature
Photo by Snapwire on Pexels.com

I try to project myself onto that line, calmly, calmly bobbing up and down in tidal drafts, none of these human concerns bound, for there is value to become lost in a destination,  now and again, to separate yourself from the every-thing, the whole-thing, the no-thing, I’ll never truly understand what it is to be that little bird perched on that tree, but perhaps, in some simple cosmic way, we were both admiring the very same things…

notes… part of my porch series, all thoughts, comments and your time in stopping by are all immensely appreciated…

a poem of circumstance…

a poem of circumstance…

sparrow perched on bench
Photo by Vladyslav Dukhin on Pexels.com

hope not for omens
preparing dinner
a thud, a dull glass thud
I have heard this before
but why today
since many long I can not even say
since I heard that sound
so distinct
a missile, a blind kamikaze mistake
and there she is
delicate little bird
curled up on the planks
outside my kitchen window
lying lifeless, I know this
this was an ending note
with hope I throw on my coat anyway
slip on my outside slippers
and gently cradle the little
hoping for a twitch
wishing a miracle
but no, a head tossed to and fro
in the tide of past life now
so little bird
I lay you down
may you rest
upon this ground

notes… just sometimes things happen, and you are no longer an observer but the recounter of a story, of a life, and so it was…

Post from the virus-sphere: Sign of the Times…

Post from the virus-sphere: Sign of the Times…

(just a note I will try to split my non corona related posts with my more pure literary ones in case you want to skip either…I get it… the photos are what supermarkets are like now, plexi-glass, staying apart, counting customers in/out)

This may be coming to a town near you.  Being in north New Jersey I am near the all the epi-centers as I have listed previously.  Since not feeling right since last Tuesday (damn it feels like months ago) I have been mainly huddling in place like a cave troll… which I may have been accused of being in the past incidentally. I try to focus on the positive of course but I am glad I made the decision to turn off the news  (pick your flavor of network) last week. I am not learning anything new. Basically as I tell people I check in at halftime for the score and also check in later in the game just to see where things are at, no more, no less, no politics, no opinions, nothing matters beyond taking care of those around you and those you can help out.  I can’t say it isn’t terrifying knowing that unless you are super ill that there is no reason to go to your doctor (or worse circumstances).  I certainly would have as I am super paranoid about my lungs but I have to just place my fate in the hands of the universe (and lots of vitamins, rest, and sanitation of course… and some prayer). I also fear for my elderly folks and do what I can for them but in a strange sense of luck my mom has a visiting aide that helps her and my pops out because my mom is still recovering from hip replacement (literally sprang from rehab in the hospital days before this all went crazy). I can not imagine the guilt of anyone who might infect those they love, it is doubly terrifying in that regard. Is it realistic to try and put it out of your mind? Perhaps but worrying every second and giving in completely to fear does not accomplish anything either. (and I say that knowing my sleep has definitely been affected by anxiety the past few nights especially).  At least the sun came out today a bit, three days of grey skies and rain certainly dampers the mood. This really feels like one moment, one hour, one day at a time, hoping for the end of that tunnel, the turn of spring, the explosion of green around the corner, so clearly I used to see it before, and with a little divine help shall see it again… 

Thoughts from the porch…

Thoughts from the porch…

clouds during golden hour
Photo by Sindre Stru00f8m on Pexels.com

modern against the madness

sitting outside on a conference call on my iphone about the state of work, my job, still on going, I think, I was doing remote support all day and never noticed the sun or how nice it was…

the spring sun is beaming down, I endeavor to absorb it all on every surface of skin, I don’t want to leave an inch, I close my eyes so the sun can cover my face, my eye sockets even, flood them warm, such reassurance, such a familiar song in this very strange time to bring me calm, even if for just these instants strung together, there is a rock, on my lawn near the sidewalk, not just a rock, one large enough to sit on quite comfortably for two, they had to remove it when laying the foundation, it has naturally two stations, one where I child could sit, one for those older, so I sit, I remember watching my neighbors from here, now they all keep a safe distance, the landscape roar in the background, leaf blowers, lawn mowers, this sounds like a spring sunday even if for a thursday, robins in little gangs state their marks, seemingly keeping their social distance as well, although they were ahead of the curve, I want to cherish each bit of the sun, for months the light has not brought this warmth that has arrived now, the trees, at a glance, still bare, but on the ends, the sparks of life bear buds, but still strange silent the scene seems, no children arriving home from school at the prescribed times, this could be any day of the week now, I think I can open a window, or two, air out the house, clean out the mood, perhaps clean out the stiffness of sheltering in place for days, the odor of stillness, of sameness, of watching history channel for 12 hours clean, life has slowed to a no pace, every moment seems like counting the time between dawn and dark, my symptoms are vague, for a few days now, kind of a general tightness in my chest, no cough, no fever, I am not sick enough to be tested, and I should revel in that really, but honestly at times it eats at your walls, especially since I know respiratory distress well, not in many years, but in my youth, asthma nearly took me twice, I was actually literally blue, I have had lifelong nightmares of drowning, so this is something that has always been in the back of my mind even if I have not been sick like that in years, a co-worker has the exact same symptoms I do, not sure if that is comforting, clarifying, or terrifying… this is literally one moment at a time, which makes this sun, so much more than just a bit of warmth, I want to feel the sun reach through me, into my cells, give that gift of life for as long as it will, and so I wait, as the sun once goes down again, I wait for the dawn and what transpires tomorrow.

notes… haven’t felt much like writing as of late, maybe I should, but circumstances dictate my mind has been elsewhere, I do not watch the news anymore, I don’t need a body count or a scoreboard, or scareboard, I know what is happening, I check the news sites once a day, no use or function in listening to doom all day long, we will come through, not all of us, this is true, but we can only do what we can do… and I am doing what I can to be good to fellow man, saying a little prayer for us all… (thoughts from the porch is a series, kind of my reaction part of my blog, kind of not)

The Crucible…

The Crucible…

abstract active ash color
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

something about a frog in a Jacuzzi, the heat being applied is perceptible, the unnecessary bits are being cast off, the core of our elements are coalescing, all from this undue force, forcing us to pool into a more singular form, extraneous matters seem, well, extraneous, because they are, luxuries once daily amenities fall further from our finger tips, the fanaticism of professional sports seem to have been sidelined rather quickly and quietly, once heralded as the pitfall of perils (or so we were told or sold) – Social Media, now seems to be morphing into some savior in a way, and I suppose it would, how do you isolate but not be isolated? strangely this might be the ideal time for such a dilemma to strike (if there is such timing), however, I can not imagine those who are not as fortunate, in countries not as advanced or those here, no, I feel no guilt for being born here nor for being able to afford some comfort in my life, but lack of guilt does not preclude empathy, that is why I have no ill will to seemingly out of touch celebrities, well, not all of them, some, I am sure are smug little things in ivory towers quite above you, however, for most, they are still human, flesh and blood, just the same, and not immune to the shooting gallery of contagion, and let’s face it, most of us put them up on the pedestals they reside in, we, society, thrust them up into their position, merely performers or just physically gifted lifted to some other level, but the crucible has winnowed this all down, social attrition at the hands of a hunter, an indiscriminate one at that, proof that regardless of stats, hacks, views, likes, visits, follows, zeros in accounts, we are all human, while we may look up from our own status there are certainly those below that deserve our concern as well, so if you can make some sacrifice, however small (or large), please do.

a crucible is also defined as a difficult time or test… and that is certainly this. So remember these lessons in times such as these, wear some empathy as a filter, at some level we are all just we.

notes… in near lock down here in New Jersey,  although I am not locked down totally as I support an ‘essential’ service (supermarkets), so for now I am still going to work and such… but how is a lock down total if … we all gather like a gang of vultures in the supermarkets? The line between liberty and safety is being blurred… I am wondering how far will it go… I certainly do not want  to infect anyone but I am and have been in every hot-spot there has been, NYC? yep, New Rochelle ? Teaneck?  Hackensack?.. check em all, plus my techs that I deal with daily are in and out of grocery stores all day… something is not adding up for me personally… what if this was a really deadly virus (not to down play this one at all but compared to Ebola this is nothing)…. just thinking out loud as usual, from my little blog… that’s all…

 

just another post from the virusphere…

just another post from the virusphere…

Prueba-y-aprendizaje-transformacion-cultural-en-la-era-digital
not to sound morbid, but to be honest, this is what populated my head, maybe I should step back a second though, and set up the story, it’s a simple matter I assure you but also kind of a hallmark of the time…
I come home last night (as I do), so my home internet decides to crap out, there was some sort of power failure in my town, over what? over why? I have no idea, just coming home to a few blinking clocks, the microwave and such, no big deal, I think, until I spot the ominous blue blink, my cable modem is usually a stalwart, a bell-weather, steady in the storm, a good old green light signal for all intersections, do not pass go, and collect two hundred, but not tonight, just this blinking blue light as if I just rebooted it, but according to the microwave the time is 2:36am, so (quick math) the power went out two hours ago plus thirty six (damn I’m quick), so this thing has been rebooting for some time, with not a good result, yech, I have to say, being a computer tech the last thing you want to come home to is computer problems, well anyway, I figure it possibly can not be anything dire (mistake) so I troubleshoot away, but quickly arrive at the same dead end with a blinking blue light, I even checked the cable outside to the street pole, all looks well, but just staring at me that blinking blue hell, but that is just the gate, next step is calling tech support which you need telephone acrobatics and a gps just to navigate the phone response system, then I hear the words “unexpected call volume”, kind of like letting the air out of a balloon my hope fluttered out like said balloon laying flat on the floor like some sad empty sack, this would have been enough, but no, the internet company decided, “hey, this guy is down, let’s kick him in his nethers for good measure”, well, maybe not EXACTLY like that but I swear the sentiment seeped through the phone like spikes into my lobes, “please visit our website for help”, that is of course after I picked the option for ‘I don’t have internet’, kind of hard to surf the web with no connection, and hearing that between the ‘call volume message’ was a slow winding spiral into a boiling pot of dementia, so an hour passes, I finally get what I guess is a human, and I can not get them to skip the basic troubleshooting, these people stick to the script as if they are being held hostage (so does that make this kind of a stockholm situation?), anyway, of course nothing works, they can see my modem but nothing else, yeah, lots of help, ok, things happen, I get it, so I settle on getting a tech on site, no problem, I understand, things break… my appointment, first available, the 28th… I mean seriously, over a week? So I agree, I mean what else can you do when you are negotiating with the hand hiking that wedgie sky high and your toes ain’t on the ground… I figure I can take it, no big deal, I have tons of video, movies, TV to catch up on… ah, but fate was not done, just flipping me over to make sure both sides got those nice grill marks on…
grilled meat with green ladies finger vegetable on white ceramic plate
Photo by Valeria Boltneva on Pexels.com

as it turns out, today, due to the corona virus situation, my boss hatched a plan (not complaining, actually a good thing) where we will work from home 3 days out of 6 starting… today, of course, well, I kind of need internet to accomplish such things, basic phone hotspots work in a pinch but not for heavy duty file transfers and the like, which is like… what I do, often, it’s not just the ole hook up to your PC tech support, anyway, so I searched my immediate area to find a proper phone store to buy a 5G hotspot to do the trick, and that brings me back to the top of this whole shindig…

so I was looking at the guy behind the counter, seemed like a good dude, we are exchanging the unusual banter, unusual because this is a quite unusual time around here, stores closed, Hilti for some reason next door, the chinese place (great soup) also decided to pack it in for a few weeks, and then…
noodles soup with meat on bowl
Photo by Buenosia Carol on Pexels.com
in my head I thought “am I talking to a dead man?”, which is a strange and awful thought, but these are strange and awful times but then I thought “am I the dead man?” for surely one’s own mortality crosses your mind, regardless of how rational you may be, no one I know is perfect at keeping out all the demons all the time, in a week will this be one of the last things one of us did? the possibility exists, the uncertainty certainly persists and is permeating the very landscape, on my way home I noticed a couple walking their two bouncy kids down the sidewalk in my little suburban tree lined perfect looking America town, and I thought if that was the last thing I was doing, if the world ended tomorrow, that would have been a nice last thought.
notesI am not sure but I think chronicling such things is important in times of crisis, at least lest we look back and forget, maybe lessons learned won’t become lessons washed away by the happiness of complacent things, we seek comfort, and love, of that I have no doubt, I just wish there was a way to mesh us all together in the human cause without the executioner’s axe swinging freely around, but perhaps that is not always our nature and needs to be summoned, maybe one day I’ll figure something out…
the silent spring.

the silent spring.

don’t tell the trees
nor whisper to the buds of leaves
the cherry blossoms peeking
the willow’s pillows breaking
spring is arriving in due time
paying no mind
to the tightening grip of a nation
a world, a contagion
a fastly tightening noose
strangles activity to a halt
sleeping somber in the unsleeping city
the days feel like months
but not a word to the birds
singing now in the morn
nature glides along
as she always will

a moment of reflection, a pause from the virusphere…

a moment of reflection, a pause from the virusphere…

images

sometimes life, nature, god, luck, circumstance, whatever you might like to call such things, just sneak up on you, with a wink, a nod, the miracle of whimsy, the unexpected, you just have to be open for the gentle (subtle, perhaps at times imperceptible) tap on the shoulder, take that spare second to pull over in life and look, or just pay some attention to the world unfurling swirling around you, tonight was one of those moments, I could say magical, if I believed in magic, I might just say natural, because that much I can touch and measure with my given senses, there is a strange thing about living in this new bubble, maybe more of a slow cauldron, the din of the news, the bombardment, the virus invading every inch of life closing in, seemingly, the break of routine, the uncertainty, the caution of not knowing what is coming next, for worse or for better, even a rational folk such as myself feels the pressure out there, being nestled next many of the epicenters whether it is one town over, actual deaths reported in the town I work, nearly all of Bergen county shut down, it bears weight upon you, every cough you hear has more gravity, every sneeze you witness raises your awareness and perception, head on a swivel, is it warm in here or do I have a fever? perhaps I just need a valium for relief, but alas, nature provides sometimes in these times, I paused at a Parkway rest area on the way home, to take some time to clean out the car (I travel a lot), starbucks cups, other relics of the comfort life taken for granted on the passenger side floor, I took a pause to stand, kind of arms slung over the driver’s side door, a deep breath, drawn out almost like a yawn, in an effort to let the day bleed out of me back into the ground, release valve the pent up anxiety, almost sunset, a slight cold onset in the longing shadows, and then, this curious little fellow just brazenly dropped into the middle of my frame of reference, a robin, well known in these parts of course, nothing to write a blog post about I thought, but as in many things my initial thoughts betrayed underlying truth, this little thing was pure bravado, heck the robins in my yard at home run off from nearly the threat of my shadow, not this one, this is a ‘jersey rest area robin’, a different breed, you know, jersey strong, or so the fantasy proceeds, but he (or she, we’ll just assume ‘he’ for the rest of this tale, for convenience) looked up at me with seemingly no fear, bouncing ever closer, I tried not to move, to be a statue as I thought this little guy was mistaken or had no clue I was there, ever closer he bounced, was it something I threw out that caught his interest? I thought I might let it play out, five feet to four, to three to two, I was sure flight was a mere flinch away, but I moved anyway, nothing sudden, and he could not have cared one spit less, jersey strong indeed, so close now I thought he might hop in my shoulder for a spell, that would be cool, so close I could see almost upside down eyelashes and all the minute details of his face, I can’t recall ever being this close, the brilliant red radiance of his breast, quite puffed out for show, lavish and bright against the worn green of winter grass and empty trees, and then he just bounded by, right in front of me, one foot out two, three to four away now, to pick on some tasty morsel or so I guess, paying me no mind, and I realized, my piled up alarm day anxiety had been swept away, all gone, from spending a moment with a rest stop robin, with a nod and thanks, I left.

notes…. in all this craziness it is not a bad thing to spot a beam of radiance… I can not explain the mysterious power of the Parkway and my writing but often they are inextricably linked…

the have knots…

the have knots…

grayscale photo of rope on log
Photo by Bella White on Pexels.com

the have knots…

life as a string, or a yard of rope, rarely a straight unedited line, in fact I might not trust a straight piece, or a new piece might not catch my ear from advice, I would like to think I am of a different stretch – the have knots, bumps in the road, reminders, regrets, mistakes, triumphs, a complicated mess of string, a series of memories tied up with life in between, in some way, they hold this all together, the frayed ends, a matter of design of the human mind and experience, the tangled chance holds the tougher circumstance, without those this would be just a single rope, speeding straight along, and maybe since I have never seen this, or experienced just that, twisted in and under and back around, the journey makes the between linear so profound, and perhaps eventually I will not be able to escape a knot and that will be my undoing, but until then I will prefer, to dwell among you, the have knots…