Thoughts from the porch…

Thoughts from the porch…

desert under yellow sunset
Photo by Fabio Partenheimer on Pexels.com

(that thing I do) …and the strange summer continues, the singular perfume of coppertone replaced with the stark drying reality of hand sanitizer, as of late the humidity and heat bear more of a resemblance to late summer, and these hazy hot days have strung together like an oppressive archipelago stretched across an ocean ring of fire’s back, all in the cast net of my immediate sight and sense seem worn down, the world knows that only needed effort be spent, anything above that red line will be savaged drowned in sweat and drained out with haste, like a sudden plug at the bottom of a lake pulled, like in a bathtub, downward down, spirals and gone, to the last drop, even sound can not bear the weight, there are a few, creatures here and there, wise asses, singing from within shadows fronting proud, but no brazen chasing from branch to branch, no courting, romance or anything other than rest and wait, the first ambassadors of summer, the fireflies have come,  admire and rejoice in their strange shows, there is no Broadway you know, I wonder what I would do if I could flash a bio-luminescent part of my body, I would hope to have control when off it went, even the pages of my journal are moist after a few minutes out this evening, paper sweat, unfortunately this does not make my words more salient or have more depth, I wish I could hear the purrs of the clouds, for surely they are doing so, sun on their backs, casually rolling through the darkening azure path, rubbing the corners of their mouths on the horizon bent, nothing on their agenda tonight, except to simply be, stretched out for miles like mountains, motion barely perceptible like dreams sleeping in the deep oceans unseen, I see leaves moving, bobbing side to side, and yet I feel no breeze, just this stifling brick cocoon of moist heat, barely evaporating off me even as an hour or more passes, not so long now I will retire back to my man made shelter, with the control of the weather at my fingertips, and then might straighten right up like a parched flower placed in a vase of purest water, and bloom again – for at least some hours.

“tunnels” (when the ground opens and changes the world, feel)

“tunnels” (when the ground opens and changes the world, feel)

backlit black and white dark indoors
Photo by Vojtech Okenka on Pexels.com

There are days when it seems like there is some light at the end of this tunnel (these days more so), reaching back a few weeks the initial memory is so strange now, as if we just stumbled or fell blindly into this gigantic pit and a singular tunnel was the only way out, along the way lights of rumor or cures have lit up hope, and other times days bumbling about in the absolute dark, sometimes afraid to even move, listening carefully for any glimmer whisper, trying to imagine where the horizon is, where or if the dawn will come, wanting to move in that direction without harm, using distraction to pass the hours, and hours, and hours, wondering if everyone you talk to is a carrier, or are you the one who will cause others to be infected, two fold parallel paranoia cascade that slowly chews at your exterior, bit by bite, one bite is no big deal but the accumulation begins to feel more real, especially as the days move on and stay grey, rain, rain, just the sound sometimes is enough to know the sun is done for the day, and obscured light, deprives hope of needed sustenance, realization is a rock, a foundation, a tool, a better one than distraction, which is only fleeting and needs constant reconfiguration, realization that there has to be an end to this, the unprecedented ‘this’, well, at least for this generational mix, the analogy we are sold is war, but no war has been battled here, on this ground, on our turf for so long, except for the wars in history books, and reenactment hooks, those seem unreal, you ‘know‘ they were real, but the feel? to be honest, is just not there, even Washington crossing the Delaware, right here in my state, and I have been there, the very spot, seems like a fairy tale or a children’s book, when our states were not even a states as we know them now, hard to imagine those days, we are of course a product made of our own time frame construct, this is our when and now, and this is for us to endure more as a whole nation than before, so we are struggling to emerge from our sudden subterranean existence, to find and clutch that beloved normal terrace once again, even if we will be miles of locations from there in the end, as normal will move to a different point by then, “cautiously optimistic” the mantra, the meme, repeat it with me now, I do not want to be a doomsayer, or a naysayer, nor a smiling glowing peach blowing smoke up the collective posterior, somewhere in-between I think, signs of life seem to be emerging, is this just the manifestation of spring? my imagination? a combination thereof, or is this all some strange fantasy playing like a simulation in my mind, the days have seemed brighter as of late, there is still this strange silence at night compared to my memory, and still a colder than usual temperature stowaway hiding onboard, maybe I feel the weekend peeking around the door, or sense the pulse of the pending holiday, the traditional signal of summer, Memorial Day, a dinner bell to the beach for the masses, lines of cars reaching miles back on the Driscoll bridge, a time to break out the swimming pools, some fake sand and out of place palm trees, burgers and dogs on the grill, all these things float like dreams out there, beyond the tunnel end, but I think I can catch a glimpse of them, hopefully, not a hallucination after wandering these some months in a tunnel, that seemed to have no end…

totally unrelated audio, aside from the name, a band I always loved, call it sludge, call it metal, sloppy bass heavy metal with near scream vox, that is fudge tunnel, sometimes you just want to let loose and groove, lyrics? who cares, feel?  yeah… and hell yeah… groove on down the road, they got chops, and the bass sound is sick, so deal…

 

Post from the virus-sphere: Sign of the Times…

Post from the virus-sphere: Sign of the Times…

(just a note I will try to split my non corona related posts with my more pure literary ones in case you want to skip either…I get it… the photos are what supermarkets are like now, plexi-glass, staying apart, counting customers in/out)

This may be coming to a town near you.  Being in north New Jersey I am near the all the epi-centers as I have listed previously.  Since not feeling right since last Tuesday (damn it feels like months ago) I have been mainly huddling in place like a cave troll… which I may have been accused of being in the past incidentally. I try to focus on the positive of course but I am glad I made the decision to turn off the news  (pick your flavor of network) last week. I am not learning anything new. Basically as I tell people I check in at halftime for the score and also check in later in the game just to see where things are at, no more, no less, no politics, no opinions, nothing matters beyond taking care of those around you and those you can help out.  I can’t say it isn’t terrifying knowing that unless you are super ill that there is no reason to go to your doctor (or worse circumstances).  I certainly would have as I am super paranoid about my lungs but I have to just place my fate in the hands of the universe (and lots of vitamins, rest, and sanitation of course… and some prayer). I also fear for my elderly folks and do what I can for them but in a strange sense of luck my mom has a visiting aide that helps her and my pops out because my mom is still recovering from hip replacement (literally sprang from rehab in the hospital days before this all went crazy). I can not imagine the guilt of anyone who might infect those they love, it is doubly terrifying in that regard. Is it realistic to try and put it out of your mind? Perhaps but worrying every second and giving in completely to fear does not accomplish anything either. (and I say that knowing my sleep has definitely been affected by anxiety the past few nights especially).  At least the sun came out today a bit, three days of grey skies and rain certainly dampers the mood. This really feels like one moment, one hour, one day at a time, hoping for the end of that tunnel, the turn of spring, the explosion of green around the corner, so clearly I used to see it before, and with a little divine help shall see it again… 

The Crucible…

The Crucible…

abstract active ash color
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

something about a frog in a Jacuzzi, the heat being applied is perceptible, the unnecessary bits are being cast off, the core of our elements are coalescing, all from this undue force, forcing us to pool into a more singular form, extraneous matters seem, well, extraneous, because they are, luxuries once daily amenities fall further from our finger tips, the fanaticism of professional sports seem to have been sidelined rather quickly and quietly, once heralded as the pitfall of perils (or so we were told or sold) – Social Media, now seems to be morphing into some savior in a way, and I suppose it would, how do you isolate but not be isolated? strangely this might be the ideal time for such a dilemma to strike (if there is such timing), however, I can not imagine those who are not as fortunate, in countries not as advanced or those here, no, I feel no guilt for being born here nor for being able to afford some comfort in my life, but lack of guilt does not preclude empathy, that is why I have no ill will to seemingly out of touch celebrities, well, not all of them, some, I am sure are smug little things in ivory towers quite above you, however, for most, they are still human, flesh and blood, just the same, and not immune to the shooting gallery of contagion, and let’s face it, most of us put them up on the pedestals they reside in, we, society, thrust them up into their position, merely performers or just physically gifted lifted to some other level, but the crucible has winnowed this all down, social attrition at the hands of a hunter, an indiscriminate one at that, proof that regardless of stats, hacks, views, likes, visits, follows, zeros in accounts, we are all human, while we may look up from our own status there are certainly those below that deserve our concern as well, so if you can make some sacrifice, however small (or large), please do.

a crucible is also defined as a difficult time or test… and that is certainly this. So remember these lessons in times such as these, wear some empathy as a filter, at some level we are all just we.

notes… in near lock down here in New Jersey,  although I am not locked down totally as I support an ‘essential’ service (supermarkets), so for now I am still going to work and such… but how is a lock down total if … we all gather like a gang of vultures in the supermarkets? The line between liberty and safety is being blurred… I am wondering how far will it go… I certainly do not want  to infect anyone but I am and have been in every hot-spot there has been, NYC? yep, New Rochelle ? Teaneck?  Hackensack?.. check em all, plus my techs that I deal with daily are in and out of grocery stores all day… something is not adding up for me personally… what if this was a really deadly virus (not to down play this one at all but compared to Ebola this is nothing)…. just thinking out loud as usual, from my little blog… that’s all…

 

just another post from the virusphere…

just another post from the virusphere…

Prueba-y-aprendizaje-transformacion-cultural-en-la-era-digital
not to sound morbid, but to be honest, this is what populated my head, maybe I should step back a second though, and set up the story, it’s a simple matter I assure you but also kind of a hallmark of the time…
I come home last night (as I do), so my home internet decides to crap out, there was some sort of power failure in my town, over what? over why? I have no idea, just coming home to a few blinking clocks, the microwave and such, no big deal, I think, until I spot the ominous blue blink, my cable modem is usually a stalwart, a bell-weather, steady in the storm, a good old green light signal for all intersections, do not pass go, and collect two hundred, but not tonight, just this blinking blue light as if I just rebooted it, but according to the microwave the time is 2:36am, so (quick math) the power went out two hours ago plus thirty six (damn I’m quick), so this thing has been rebooting for some time, with not a good result, yech, I have to say, being a computer tech the last thing you want to come home to is computer problems, well anyway, I figure it possibly can not be anything dire (mistake) so I troubleshoot away, but quickly arrive at the same dead end with a blinking blue light, I even checked the cable outside to the street pole, all looks well, but just staring at me that blinking blue hell, but that is just the gate, next step is calling tech support which you need telephone acrobatics and a gps just to navigate the phone response system, then I hear the words “unexpected call volume”, kind of like letting the air out of a balloon my hope fluttered out like said balloon laying flat on the floor like some sad empty sack, this would have been enough, but no, the internet company decided, “hey, this guy is down, let’s kick him in his nethers for good measure”, well, maybe not EXACTLY like that but I swear the sentiment seeped through the phone like spikes into my lobes, “please visit our website for help”, that is of course after I picked the option for ‘I don’t have internet’, kind of hard to surf the web with no connection, and hearing that between the ‘call volume message’ was a slow winding spiral into a boiling pot of dementia, so an hour passes, I finally get what I guess is a human, and I can not get them to skip the basic troubleshooting, these people stick to the script as if they are being held hostage (so does that make this kind of a stockholm situation?), anyway, of course nothing works, they can see my modem but nothing else, yeah, lots of help, ok, things happen, I get it, so I settle on getting a tech on site, no problem, I understand, things break… my appointment, first available, the 28th… I mean seriously, over a week? So I agree, I mean what else can you do when you are negotiating with the hand hiking that wedgie sky high and your toes ain’t on the ground… I figure I can take it, no big deal, I have tons of video, movies, TV to catch up on… ah, but fate was not done, just flipping me over to make sure both sides got those nice grill marks on…
grilled meat with green ladies finger vegetable on white ceramic plate
Photo by Valeria Boltneva on Pexels.com

as it turns out, today, due to the corona virus situation, my boss hatched a plan (not complaining, actually a good thing) where we will work from home 3 days out of 6 starting… today, of course, well, I kind of need internet to accomplish such things, basic phone hotspots work in a pinch but not for heavy duty file transfers and the like, which is like… what I do, often, it’s not just the ole hook up to your PC tech support, anyway, so I searched my immediate area to find a proper phone store to buy a 5G hotspot to do the trick, and that brings me back to the top of this whole shindig…

so I was looking at the guy behind the counter, seemed like a good dude, we are exchanging the unusual banter, unusual because this is a quite unusual time around here, stores closed, Hilti for some reason next door, the chinese place (great soup) also decided to pack it in for a few weeks, and then…
noodles soup with meat on bowl
Photo by Buenosia Carol on Pexels.com
in my head I thought “am I talking to a dead man?”, which is a strange and awful thought, but these are strange and awful times but then I thought “am I the dead man?” for surely one’s own mortality crosses your mind, regardless of how rational you may be, no one I know is perfect at keeping out all the demons all the time, in a week will this be one of the last things one of us did? the possibility exists, the uncertainty certainly persists and is permeating the very landscape, on my way home I noticed a couple walking their two bouncy kids down the sidewalk in my little suburban tree lined perfect looking America town, and I thought if that was the last thing I was doing, if the world ended tomorrow, that would have been a nice last thought.
notesI am not sure but I think chronicling such things is important in times of crisis, at least lest we look back and forget, maybe lessons learned won’t become lessons washed away by the happiness of complacent things, we seek comfort, and love, of that I have no doubt, I just wish there was a way to mesh us all together in the human cause without the executioner’s axe swinging freely around, but perhaps that is not always our nature and needs to be summoned, maybe one day I’ll figure something out…