“tunnels” (when the ground opens and changes the world, feel)

“tunnels” (when the ground opens and changes the world, feel)

backlit black and white dark indoors
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There are days when it seems like there is some light at the end of this tunnel (these days more so), reaching back a few weeks the initial memory is so strange now, as if we just stumbled or fell blindly into this gigantic pit and a singular tunnel was the only way out, along the way lights of rumor or cures have lit up hope, and other times days bumbling about in the absolute dark, sometimes afraid to even move, listening carefully for any glimmer whisper, trying to imagine where the horizon is, where or if the dawn will come, wanting to move in that direction without harm, using distraction to pass the hours, and hours, and hours, wondering if everyone you talk to is a carrier, or are you the one who will cause others to be infected, two fold parallel paranoia cascade that slowly chews at your exterior, bit by bite, one bite is no big deal but the accumulation begins to feel more real, especially as the days move on and stay grey, rain, rain, just the sound sometimes is enough to know the sun is done for the day, and obscured light, deprives hope of needed sustenance, realization is a rock, a foundation, a tool, a better one than distraction, which is only fleeting and needs constant reconfiguration, realization that there has to be an end to this, the unprecedented ‘this’, well, at least for this generational mix, the analogy we are sold is war, but no war has been battled here, on this ground, on our turf for so long, except for the wars in history books, and reenactment hooks, those seem unreal, you ‘know‘ they were real, but the feel? to be honest, is just not there, even Washington crossing the Delaware, right here in my state, and I have been there, the very spot, seems like a fairy tale or a children’s book, when our states were not even a states as we know them now, hard to imagine those days, we are of course a product made of our own time frame construct, this is our when and now, and this is for us to endure more as a whole nation than before, so we are struggling to emerge from our sudden subterranean existence, to find and clutch that beloved normal terrace once again, even if we will be miles of locations from there in the end, as normal will move to a different point by then, “cautiously optimistic” the mantra, the meme, repeat it with me now, I do not want to be a doomsayer, or a naysayer, nor a smiling glowing peach blowing smoke up the collective posterior, somewhere in-between I think, signs of life seem to be emerging, is this just the manifestation of spring? my imagination? a combination thereof, or is this all some strange fantasy playing like a simulation in my mind, the days have seemed brighter as of late, there is still this strange silence at night compared to my memory, and still a colder than usual temperature stowaway hiding onboard, maybe I feel the weekend peeking around the door, or sense the pulse of the pending holiday, the traditional signal of summer, Memorial Day, a dinner bell to the beach for the masses, lines of cars reaching miles back on the Driscoll bridge, a time to break out the swimming pools, some fake sand and out of place palm trees, burgers and dogs on the grill, all these things float like dreams out there, beyond the tunnel end, but I think I can catch a glimpse of them, hopefully, not a hallucination after wandering these some months in a tunnel, that seemed to have no end…

totally unrelated audio, aside from the name, a band I always loved, call it sludge, call it metal, sloppy bass heavy metal with near scream vox, that is fudge tunnel, sometimes you just want to let loose and groove, lyrics? who cares, feel?  yeah… and hell yeah… groove on down the road, they got chops, and the bass sound is sick, so deal…

 

“lawn angel”

“lawn angel”

blade of grass depth of field environment garden
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the unbridled imagination and lack of restraint of children, sometimes the sweet refrain of those days swings back into my mind like a welcome coup de-tat, never as pure as before the realizations of life, the consequences, the daily race, whatever we like to refer to adulthood or post childhood, such dreary dreadful days lately, working from home and sequestered alone physically takes a toll mentally, not every minute does the bright sprite of the simple joy of living suffice to uplift the spirit, sometimes a little bump from the outside needs to meander in and plant a boot firmly up our patoot for motivation, finally a day like this, sun cresting nearly to late summer levels, rumors of eighty degrees circulate through the trees, and… the feeling is infectious, sure, there is hardcore science about vitamin d and the like, but this is not that effect I might think, this is a culmination, breached with relief, a balloon that was stretched with ill breath fed let go, fluttering about like a headless chicken sounding more like a flapping lips engine, until, without a doubt, all the air is let out, and utter relaxation, returned to form, release, just to sit being, in this moment I imagine myself lying on the lawn, and doing that angel motion, waving my arms, usually reserved for snow, I know, but it seems to match the situation, the freedom of it, a child would not think twice of jumping in, I think of grass stains and bugs, trivial but true, why not do a lawn angel? “is this a thing” I think, an internet search does not come up with much but apparently sand angels are a thing (makes sense really), but the thought of a lawn angel to just rejoice in the warming sun, silly fun, the release of a time long gone, but somewhere in here (pointing to myself), that child is still in there (somewhere), I need to just strip away all the ‘important’ things for a hot minute and listen, or perhaps just feel… did I do it? I have to admit, no, but the thought was a release in itself, and perhaps next time I will delve…

thoughts from the porch… (they tell me this is spring)

thoughts from the porch… (they tell me this is spring)

person tossing globe
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is the world off kilter? is the earth spinning a bit off axis? or am I just paying more attention lately (or running out of things to do indoors), this evening, winter temperatures laced with spring intentions, all signs pointing in the blooming direction, there was even the occasional peep show of seventy degrees last week, or am I embellishing my own memory, the trees are now fully clothed, the dandelion’s time has crested and fallen, the breeze has a louder voice among the leaves, like occasional waves breaking on the beach, no discernible undulation or pattern, but much the same sound as waves crashing, I feel I am in the eye of the calm, this corner of the world is quite quiet now, the sun setting rays readily highlight the various tribes of leaves on the stage before me, all with the same function but a different design to achieve the same destination, I imagine humans are much the same…

notes… this is monday felt like sunday, or was it sunday, or is this monday?  after seeing snow in may just the other day, not today near a freeze??  these are strange days… indeed… (this is part of a series, sort of anthology, the rest is HERE, well mostly, I have a day job you know…)

thoughts… from the porch (my porch, or perch, or… whatever, free form thought, give it a spin, you might like it)…

thoughts… from the porch (my porch, or perch, or… whatever, free form thought, give it a spin, you might like it)…

abandoned grass light merry go round
Photo by Levi Damasceno on Pexels.com

in the distance I can hear children faintly playing, yells and screams evoke alarms inside instead of joy, in these abnormal times, my instincts, reactions, daily actions, all come into question now…
Ring-a-round the rosie,
A pocket full of posies,
Ashes! Ashes!
We all fall down.
I wonder if a simple child’s rhyme will outline this stretch of death one day, that, of course will come after, not in the teeth of the pathogenic strife, I have always believed I was a patient person, certainly not a short fuse bomb waiting to happen, just when I do reach that limit I feel like I am up on the absolute edge of a cliff, no other side, no bottom, no turning around but leap… I picture that my candle was great and tall like a fortress castle wall, but burning down for so long now, my wick surely has not much longer to go, and the dawn, I am not a candle-maker, maybe I have to be, or learn to be, I do not know, or should I strive to deprive the flame of bright oxygen, I can not cap all the air, even if I tried my subconscious thoughts would betray and supply, a traitor I harbor inside.
This is much easier, today, sitting here on my porch, no mask (aside from the ones I always wear in that other life), no gloves, no one around to be socially distant from, I suppose Fear is taking a nap, he had a busy week with me back at my office, and certainly he plastered my inner walls with doubt, but all seems calm now, with a deep breath, I  exhale as much of the negative as I can muster, I envision my candle now, small flame flickering inside my sanctum, the wax of the worn melted drawn out onto the wooden table, the newborn pool of spent liquid wax reflecting a dancing twin, “slowly, slowly” I mantra, “this will all end” with a hope wrapped in a prayer

onward goes, this strangest spring, awaiting the salvation of normalcy to arrive into these harbors overflowed with a cargo of hope… and renewal.

the cricket response…

the cricket response…

macro photography of babys ear
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sound, a transport device, a time travel mechanism at least in our memory response, something we all can account for, just now, I was listening to some random ambient on youtube and there was a background sound embedded, buried, a familiar sound, a pinpoint sound, crickets, like devious little natural metronomes, chiming, precise clockwork chirps provide context, surely this is not their true domain, a gloomy rainy cold day, the weather prognosticator already told the fortune of today, rain in spades, or some other suit, but that is the saying, anyway, that pill popped into my subconscious I was already to rue the day, to welcome the disappointment of my appointment with rain, the expected, expected to be understood and ground, I do love a good thunderstorm however, so my hopes were up for at least some rumble, some tussle of spark, a great reminder of nature’s power via rolling clouds of thunder sparked by bolts, yes, I do quite enjoy a good storm, as long as my power stays on, pampered human am I, all the while to watch the tempest from my safe box, admittedly, from comfort, but back to the crickets, I am transported from this somewhat lackluster day to a summer night, by a fire, in the mountains, or even just outside by a lake, but definitely summer, and most definitely night, when the all else of the world is faded, just the subtle crackle of collapsing embers, out past the flickers rising in the sky, the crickets, a constant sound, I could hear that sound in a blizzard and feel comfort, for at least a time, the power of sound to bring my mind somewhere else, sometimes a song, to a place, to a gathering, a party, a wedding, a celebration, I can feel the suit I’m wearing, the clanging of the formal wear, the shoes pound on a dance floor, or maybe just a time, alone sitting watching the waves come in, with a new album on my ipod, a dozen years ago, always connected to that beach, the clear waves of the Key’s lapping my feet, having the dock all to myself, like owning the world and stepping into the scene whenever I like, just a song, and I am there, and there are those who would argue about mystical things… take a listen…

notes… tomorrow will be day three back @ work for me, like, physically instead of remotely, at my office (Bergen County, NJ covid central ground zero in Jersey), granted there are only a few of us there, but I am dealing with all the same things in my head, my brother is helping this week taking care of my folks thankfully, the weather seems to be looking up, at least it wasn’t raining today, my bamboo is booming, as it always does this time of year (you would not believe how much can grow in a day), in my mind I look forward to when it fills out the entire corner of the house like an impenetrable forest  fortress of green all year round, that will take years, and I hope for those, those years that is….

PS: found a Chinese restaurant tonight that was open ! yay!  NY/NJ chinese take out is an essential thing, something we all (from this area) take pride in in some strange way, there is no way people here would blame them for the virus, I love cooking, but not every night (and only italian places seem open), there is something comforting in getting some wonton soup, shrimp and lobster sauce… and an eggroll, one of those little building blocks of normalcy I can add to the stack.

thoughts, from the porch… (calendars be damned)

thoughts, from the porch… (calendars be damned)

clouds cloudy country distance
Photo by Krivec Ales on Pexels.com

what day is this? Sunday you say? I suppose so, what’s the difference? some rogue could hold a gun to my head and I’d swear on Tuesday, I didn’t log my digital self into work today,  I think, so I guess that squares that vote down, but everything else? the same.
the weather is vacillating, the atmosphere seems quite undecided in mind, sun filled hope has given way to rumors of storm, or maybe the trees are just finding their voice more, more green drapes, buds graduated into kindergarten leaves, every moment struck past one further down the rail line took, spikes driven in, for miles back, through this latest mountain pass, you never know quite where the end of the line will be, and always the questions, the doubts, am I doing this… right? starting over not being an option, as the only direction now and ever is forward, the only place to ever start is this foot right here, now, this step, this one that leads to the next, I must remember that little epithet, like a tattoo perhaps, no, that is voluntary (usually), something more, something with no outer choice, a scar, yes, a scar, something that will pull that next step into a different space, maybe for better, maybe for worse, but forward nonetheless, for lest we let fear stop us in perfect statuesque, to be admired by others in perfect pose, then, left behind, museum, forgotten in some room, or left to creeping moss watching a tomb, I wish to have the fire to live like a lightning bolt, so I might, so I may, I can, but only to turn on that first corner, and turn my back on where I began, a real place no more, a memory, lore, the time now is the journey, forward.

notes… so this is a strange time, especially here in the metro NYC area, or the tri-state area as we call it, kind of hubris, I know, there is many tri-states out there, I could google the results but nah, I get it, we east coaster’s have a bias, I used to be that guy before I started exploring the states, let alone the world, the coasts are biased… but honestly, I can  not imagine living away from the ocean even I do not go there nearly enough, some things are a calling, what does this have to do with my post? well… nothing, just my thoughts, back to work, erm, again from home tomorrow, the days blend and are so long now… but yet, so not distinct, am I getting used to this? the supermarket runs twice a week, lining up with my mask (a n-95 type, how sheikh),  making meals for my elderly folks so they do not venture out, social life discarded aside from phones and such, sitting out on the porch my only out, and this, some words, patience will win out.

Post from the virus-sphere: Sign of the Times…

Post from the virus-sphere: Sign of the Times…

(just a note I will try to split my non corona related posts with my more pure literary ones in case you want to skip either…I get it… the photos are what supermarkets are like now, plexi-glass, staying apart, counting customers in/out)

This may be coming to a town near you.  Being in north New Jersey I am near the all the epi-centers as I have listed previously.  Since not feeling right since last Tuesday (damn it feels like months ago) I have been mainly huddling in place like a cave troll… which I may have been accused of being in the past incidentally. I try to focus on the positive of course but I am glad I made the decision to turn off the news  (pick your flavor of network) last week. I am not learning anything new. Basically as I tell people I check in at halftime for the score and also check in later in the game just to see where things are at, no more, no less, no politics, no opinions, nothing matters beyond taking care of those around you and those you can help out.  I can’t say it isn’t terrifying knowing that unless you are super ill that there is no reason to go to your doctor (or worse circumstances).  I certainly would have as I am super paranoid about my lungs but I have to just place my fate in the hands of the universe (and lots of vitamins, rest, and sanitation of course… and some prayer). I also fear for my elderly folks and do what I can for them but in a strange sense of luck my mom has a visiting aide that helps her and my pops out because my mom is still recovering from hip replacement (literally sprang from rehab in the hospital days before this all went crazy). I can not imagine the guilt of anyone who might infect those they love, it is doubly terrifying in that regard. Is it realistic to try and put it out of your mind? Perhaps but worrying every second and giving in completely to fear does not accomplish anything either. (and I say that knowing my sleep has definitely been affected by anxiety the past few nights especially).  At least the sun came out today a bit, three days of grey skies and rain certainly dampers the mood. This really feels like one moment, one hour, one day at a time, hoping for the end of that tunnel, the turn of spring, the explosion of green around the corner, so clearly I used to see it before, and with a little divine help shall see it again… 

Thoughts from the porch…

Thoughts from the porch…

clouds during golden hour
Photo by Sindre Stru00f8m on Pexels.com

modern against the madness

sitting outside on a conference call on my iphone about the state of work, my job, still on going, I think, I was doing remote support all day and never noticed the sun or how nice it was…

the spring sun is beaming down, I endeavor to absorb it all on every surface of skin, I don’t want to leave an inch, I close my eyes so the sun can cover my face, my eye sockets even, flood them warm, such reassurance, such a familiar song in this very strange time to bring me calm, even if for just these instants strung together, there is a rock, on my lawn near the sidewalk, not just a rock, one large enough to sit on quite comfortably for two, they had to remove it when laying the foundation, it has naturally two stations, one where I child could sit, one for those older, so I sit, I remember watching my neighbors from here, now they all keep a safe distance, the landscape roar in the background, leaf blowers, lawn mowers, this sounds like a spring sunday even if for a thursday, robins in little gangs state their marks, seemingly keeping their social distance as well, although they were ahead of the curve, I want to cherish each bit of the sun, for months the light has not brought this warmth that has arrived now, the trees, at a glance, still bare, but on the ends, the sparks of life bear buds, but still strange silent the scene seems, no children arriving home from school at the prescribed times, this could be any day of the week now, I think I can open a window, or two, air out the house, clean out the mood, perhaps clean out the stiffness of sheltering in place for days, the odor of stillness, of sameness, of watching history channel for 12 hours clean, life has slowed to a no pace, every moment seems like counting the time between dawn and dark, my symptoms are vague, for a few days now, kind of a general tightness in my chest, no cough, no fever, I am not sick enough to be tested, and I should revel in that really, but honestly at times it eats at your walls, especially since I know respiratory distress well, not in many years, but in my youth, asthma nearly took me twice, I was actually literally blue, I have had lifelong nightmares of drowning, so this is something that has always been in the back of my mind even if I have not been sick like that in years, a co-worker has the exact same symptoms I do, not sure if that is comforting, clarifying, or terrifying… this is literally one moment at a time, which makes this sun, so much more than just a bit of warmth, I want to feel the sun reach through me, into my cells, give that gift of life for as long as it will, and so I wait, as the sun once goes down again, I wait for the dawn and what transpires tomorrow.

notes… haven’t felt much like writing as of late, maybe I should, but circumstances dictate my mind has been elsewhere, I do not watch the news anymore, I don’t need a body count or a scoreboard, or scareboard, I know what is happening, I check the news sites once a day, no use or function in listening to doom all day long, we will come through, not all of us, this is true, but we can only do what we can do… and I am doing what I can to be good to fellow man, saying a little prayer for us all… (thoughts from the porch is a series, kind of my reaction part of my blog, kind of not)

The Crucible…

The Crucible…

abstract active ash color
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something about a frog in a Jacuzzi, the heat being applied is perceptible, the unnecessary bits are being cast off, the core of our elements are coalescing, all from this undue force, forcing us to pool into a more singular form, extraneous matters seem, well, extraneous, because they are, luxuries once daily amenities fall further from our finger tips, the fanaticism of professional sports seem to have been sidelined rather quickly and quietly, once heralded as the pitfall of perils (or so we were told or sold) – Social Media, now seems to be morphing into some savior in a way, and I suppose it would, how do you isolate but not be isolated? strangely this might be the ideal time for such a dilemma to strike (if there is such timing), however, I can not imagine those who are not as fortunate, in countries not as advanced or those here, no, I feel no guilt for being born here nor for being able to afford some comfort in my life, but lack of guilt does not preclude empathy, that is why I have no ill will to seemingly out of touch celebrities, well, not all of them, some, I am sure are smug little things in ivory towers quite above you, however, for most, they are still human, flesh and blood, just the same, and not immune to the shooting gallery of contagion, and let’s face it, most of us put them up on the pedestals they reside in, we, society, thrust them up into their position, merely performers or just physically gifted lifted to some other level, but the crucible has winnowed this all down, social attrition at the hands of a hunter, an indiscriminate one at that, proof that regardless of stats, hacks, views, likes, visits, follows, zeros in accounts, we are all human, while we may look up from our own status there are certainly those below that deserve our concern as well, so if you can make some sacrifice, however small (or large), please do.

a crucible is also defined as a difficult time or test… and that is certainly this. So remember these lessons in times such as these, wear some empathy as a filter, at some level we are all just we.

notes… in near lock down here in New Jersey,  although I am not locked down totally as I support an ‘essential’ service (supermarkets), so for now I am still going to work and such… but how is a lock down total if … we all gather like a gang of vultures in the supermarkets? The line between liberty and safety is being blurred… I am wondering how far will it go… I certainly do not want  to infect anyone but I am and have been in every hot-spot there has been, NYC? yep, New Rochelle ? Teaneck?  Hackensack?.. check em all, plus my techs that I deal with daily are in and out of grocery stores all day… something is not adding up for me personally… what if this was a really deadly virus (not to down play this one at all but compared to Ebola this is nothing)…. just thinking out loud as usual, from my little blog… that’s all…