and the difference in a day…mere hours separate…

and the difference in a day…mere hours separate…

winding road photography
Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com

how things shift, magically, well, OK, quite naturally, but damn it seems like magic sometimes, my yesterday mindset seems just like a forgotten relic of the past, a lost wagon train on the plains on trails before highways, the snow, what was of it, has melted away into the witness protection program, transferred somewhere upstate, even though, I have to say, the temperature is much colder today, thirties, all day, but somehow… someway, this is a better day, the sun is bright, if not warm, just bright, and brilliant through the trees now as there is no leaves left to absorb the inferior solar tilted version in winter, stark naked lines outlines of trees against the blue, some clouds here and there but mostly strands of gossamer across an azure canvas, nothing more, the air is crisp, a strange thought, but something about cold winter, still winter air, just has a certain feel when you inhale, almost like you are drinking it through a straw, at least that is my perception, how things align, today is my ‘late’ day to work, so along with the weather cooperating the traffic is a usually a toothless tiger, and it was, what a difference one hour makes in the commuting rat race, at least in this state, even the road seems nicer, sure, concrete and asphalt are not going to win any pageants but they sure look better bathed in the bright sunlight, I can spot the the batches of rust on the bridges and make out images in them like cloud formations, this is truly a conspired concert of events all coming together in the polar opposite way, than yesterday, I can hear little orphan annie in the back of my head, where the hell was she yesterday ?… well, at least I found a cozy parking spot, in the back lot, I’m actually a few minutes early, how novel, for this week, so that is the lesson, a simple one I suppose, one we all ‘know’ but perhaps need to throw our selves a reminder now and again… the sun will come out tomorrow, or perhaps ‘could’ is more accurate, but find a field and bury your doubts, you never know when things will turn, for the better, the chance is always there when you open your eyes on to the next day’s dawn.

dating mrs. universe…

dating mrs. universe…

silhouette of person holding glass mason jar
Photo by Rakicevic Nenad on Pexels.com

so, we are getting ready to go out, where? I forget, it seems like we have been everywhere but then again, there is always something new to explore out there, and then she asks me “do I look fat in this?”, geez, even after all these years, how many years has it been actually? I get lost a bit in my own thoughts thinking about how it seems like a lifetime, no, more like all time since we were together, almost like there was nothing before and I imagine nothing after, as this is all I know, and she notices my stargazing look and interjects again, “I asked you a question!”, oh so you know how these things go, awoken from my momentary haze I utter ‘you look absolutely amazing for your age babe’, then realize, even a bright comet that nears a star still melts, as this quickly lost orbit comes back around as a perceived insult, “what do you mean my age?!?!?!” her steely blue wolf-rayet eyes blazing, she looks like she might go supernova at this point, I try and salvage my position trying to read the sudden gravity of the situation, ‘c’mon honey, we are not in the cradle nebulae anymore, youth is totally wasted on the young, you have the experience to pull it all off, there wouldn’t be anything without you, you know that’, she seems satisfied enough with my response, off the hook for a moment I suppose, the solar winds can shift so suddenly you know, even with all these years navigating the expanse of her character is like mapping the stars and trying to track all the other celestial bodies flying around out there, then I remember where we are going, to her father’s, always the same, a sunday, after all, even after all these years that seem like forever, he works six days a week, still, six days in and out, have to admire the old man, still letting the creative juices flow even at his age, although he is not as touchy about it as the old ball and constellations over there, glad she can’t read thoughts as surely she can turn as cold as the darkest black hole, and who wants to deal with that on a day off? ah, to be fair, when she is on there is nothing brighter in the sky to guide by, but boy does she takes her time getting things ready, like she is building civilizations from the ground up starting with amino acids and the like, at this rate we will have to travel at the speed of light to get there on time, such is life, such is the routine, you think I would be used to it by now, you think I would, I guess standing still is not in my nature, like an electrical impulse just pushing my molecules all around, apart and together, all the time, anyway, who am I ? you may ask, I would say it does not matter

notes... just one of those that popped into my noggin, an idea, a conversation, so here it is… raw in form but from this form as is….

thoughts from the porch… end of vacation edition…

thoughts from the porch… end of vacation edition…

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The last day, always, or at least it seems so, the cream of the crop, or at least perception be, from my hotel, the ocean is gleaming, sparkling morning sun fingers playing upon the little tiles of tide ridges, looking out my hotel window, no wind, no temperature to consider, just the visual, I walk down to take in one more final gulp of this ocean town, now, I am standing at the cusp of the beach, there is one of those small beach fences just mere kindling and chicken wire, just past the sign that warns you about there being no lifeguard, morning coffee in hand, more like my habits back on the mainland, to which I am summoned to return in a matter of hours, in retrospect, maybe this is not such a perfect day, a bit hazy, a bit cold, I close my eyes to feel the sun on my face, granted, the warming seems more mental than actual, and it is, if I concentrate for a bit I can feel the tops of my ears are quite exposed and colder, but somehow, with my eyes closed, a hazed globe shining on, the waves crashing down left to right, the occasional intrusion of the world around, am old diesel engine kicking up rattling throat, conversations about nonsense and such as people walk by, behind me on the boardwalk and benches meant for such things, I try to soak it all in, somehow capture this moment to store as long as I can, I know this is futile and fleeting but I inhale with hope anyway, moments like these choose me to ignore my reason, and my mind drifts…

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I imagine the shore and the wonder of the original explorers, I think of how vast the ocean must have seemed and actually been, that moment, that eruption of emotion when they first spotted this shore, on the horizon, a hallucination for months of maritime lore, the realization that even among something so vast and unknown, had an end when no one had found such end until that initial landing, is that the pinnacle of man? discovery past known boundaries? our hope, our quest, to be at the beginning and end of that next discovery, there is, the pure seed of hope resident in that, all the despair, the lost ships and lost men, sunken lives in so many centuries past, but now what was once the impossible pass, is just to us a simple basic task, maybe that is what I was meant to take away this day, not just the same sun to bear upon my face, I open my eyes and nothing has changed, outwardly, an owner and a dog walking, a couple being a couple out on the sand in their moment of love, me, standing like an observant statue on the cusp of this beach, I reach for one more slug of my latte, take one more deeper breath, snapshot with my mind, one more look, a postcard to take away, and that lesson of hope, against the vast ocean, against the unknown, to ride the waves to where they go…

notes… no matter how many times I visit, Cape May surprises me, and now that I am reaching out to other places, there is so much history here in my garden state, and history is not just unknown things or lost battles, history is people, people who lived here and did things, we forget or are never told, but we should remember or learn, because that is ourselves in the end, the human story struck out against nature, nature will win, humans will disappear, the dinosaurs were here far longer than we, but we do not act that way, I suppose that is the way it will always be for top species… I hope there is more, out there, among the stars….

selfish shellfish selfless selfies…

selfish shellfish selfless selfies…

ancient armor black and white chivalry
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

the twin lives of selfishness and selflessness
truly a world divided, a yin and yang, chang and eng, the tried, true and classic black and white cookie, still the two could not be more distinct but should they be? or more symbiotic than you might think, poor ole selfishness seems languished in reputation while selflessness is bathed glowingly in the perpetual limelight of hero worship, however, as with a book and it’s cover it pays to look under the surface, the subterranean is always harder to explore, you need the guiding light of the mind and a dash of some adventurous spirit (and perhaps a good pair of boots and sturdy rope), so let me make a case in the defense of selfishness, at some point you must have a drop of this, or a dollop of it added to your bloodstream, think of this infusion as a valid component of the prescription for self preservation, you are being carried away by raging waters, you must find a tree limb or other outcrop to hold onto, and from there, perhaps, you can furnish the rescue of others, but blind loyalty to selflessness may lead to needless death, for yourself, and those you might mean to save, all an equation, but one that must be mastered by the mind as instinct in a framework in which to act when called upon or needed, I have unfortunately read many an account where someone has jumped into a certain situation only to perish themselves, so, at least in this instance selfish was a bridge to selfless, complete and utter selflessness would have lead to further tragedy and served no one well, brief #2, a selfishness on the stand, if you do not take the time to keep your house in order how can you honor others? cross examine that for a spell, for the young knight who charges off into the battle in full shining armor, with gleaming honor, perfect edge to a shining blinding sword, and all the best intent ringing in his spurs, or consider the aged knight, war weary, battled in spirit, no less noble, perhaps a bit more selfish in the past as it has gotten him this far, and the poor young night now has the distinct experience with his head upon a spike, glorious helmet quite upright, chivalry may die quickly upon the shields of the young, and then perhaps there is the knight that only knows the love of gold, for he will truly die fat, happy, and quite alone, because in the realm of coin there are no citizens, only denizens of no self, a desert land of the self less, there seems to be some merit resident in selfishness to consider, when used as a tool to build and not a house to hold.

music to ponder the universe to: (ambient space goodness)

Carbon Based Lifeforms – ‘And Contact’ (from the album The Path)

the first gnash…

the first gnash…

animal bear bored close up
Photo by Magda Ehlers on Pexels.com

the first gnash of teeth, against me, my skin, piercing fangs, I thought I was prepared, I have seen this before, I have experienced this before, so many times as memory serves, the summer has softened me, the fall has cautioned me, but no, nothing prepares for the veil, the drop of the curtain, the stark view from the top of the cliff as your fear falls off, the reveal of the cold that makes you recoil back into your shell, and in this early fall day this is this, a first grasp, a first gnash, grabs at me, anything, any skin revealed, causing scurry into the indoors, the bite, the jaws, the abject cold, how it penetrates, all your charms and armor just fall by the wayside, cast aside in a moment, so prepared am I that I am still unprepared for the full frontal, the full front swept across the plains, slamming into the northern states, but more so here, just north of where I usually tract, but yet, I am here, dealing with the bend of the jet stream just south, just south enough, twenty degrees, twenty degrees, can it be? the time for outside ends, so soon I think, tomorrow morning I wake, to scurry to the car, huddle in place to let it warm, oh sweet autumn, where have you gone…

notes… wrote this last night in a fever pinch when the temp in westchester NY dropped into the 20s, I was in some foreign hotel, away from home but I have to say the hotel was comfy and had damn good insulation, elmsford NY, I can check that off the bucket list, well, I doubt many have elmsford on their bucket list but it is not a bad town anyways… I checked in around 6pm, parking lot had plenty of options… went to dinner (really good), came back around 9pm and there was literally one spot left, woke up and checked out by 7am and the lot was nearly empty… strange man, strange…. but up the street to Pleasantville I went, I have to say the local Starbucks was one of the most well run and friendly I have ever been too, and they know all the regulars and bang out the orders, for those of you who turn your nose up at Starbucks (and the prices), try the just the regular coffee, not the ‘triple lindy caramel choco double frappe half zebra latte’ or whatever, for the price the regular coffee is damn awesome, I like the Pike, or Sumatra, just a splash of skim… but that is just me… and I did have some amazing sashimi today with my coworker Alzira!

observational moment…

observational moment…

photo of person walking near orange leafed trees
Photo by KIM DAE JEUNG on Pexels.com

observation, like a movie, like a dream, like the terror of sleepy hollow approaching, the leaves parting, dancing as if on cue and string, all the ingredients stirring, in a wind mixer, a blender, in the wake of motion of cars travelling down the highway, even if I understand all the thermal and aerodynamics of the phenomena I am astounded by the coordination of all, not even a rehearsal, just the fall, the leaves in just the right place, in just such a way as to peel off like parting waves and curl off into the wake, albeit behind cars in inward looping curls, but again, all the random perfection that had to happen, the leaves fallen just so, the wind at the right flow, the dryness of the air so nothing is sticking, the amazing spectacle of driving through autumn leaves left on the road, so simple, so over looked, amazement hidden under your nose… and tires…

notes… I am up in Pleasantville NY (‘Westchester is Bestchester’ as they say around here) for work (for a few days now), huddled in a hotel as the temperature drops into real winter depths, actually colder than usual even for real winter, out of my element in a new town, you think I would be used to it by now, but as I rode along the road I felt like I was in a Lexus commercial or something the way the leaves perfectly rode up my ride and danced around… so, you know, I write things… this being one of those, I try to to keep up when I am on the road but when you work 12-15 hour days, and some in a row, time eats you up and leisure becomes the revelation of good water pressure in the hotel  you are staying in…  ah, another continental breakfast to take in….

and by the way for those not in the know, I am literally not that far from Sleepy Hollow, it is a real place after all and is awesome in the fall as you might imagine, if you are in the NYC area consider visiting especially halloween time… they dress up the town as you might think and it has a vibe…

the unwitting knot, how not to, a guide perhaps…

the unwitting knot, how not to, a guide perhaps…

gray trunk green leaf tree beside body of water
Photo by Daniel Watson on Pexels.com

we choose the daily spiritual nutrients we pull up from our roots and feed into our trunks… and when these avenues of nourishment are polluted does it not travel into the the outer leaves on display for those eyes that might come upon our grove, does the reflection in our bark reveal the underpinnings coursing through our veins, for the truly vane may think not, but certainly, what we choose to allow into our inner sanctum at once becomes the base of the exterior statement, so what’s the point tree boy you might ask? fair enough, I was off for a week, as a treat scrap thrown floorward down to me from the table of my work overlords, reality changes so quickly, how quickly I succumb to a routine of lounging, feet up, admiring the view out by the lake, or just the mountains in general, no where to be, no appointments, just the minor distraction as to where to dine that evening, or just sit and ponder some more, and more, I try to encapsulate those moments, take them in, take them back with me to that other reality, this monday’s reality, all anew with my shiny relaxed post vacation armor, confident I will not be beaten back by the hordes of circumstance I anticipate will befell me, what cruel beasts of work reality await me, what madness has been waiting not so patiently by my cubicle to ambush me, and in all this, I find myself, feeling the creeping anxiety, clawing it’s way slowly up my back, wrapping in an around my spine, squeezing. squeezing life, air from my recline, pulling the shades down so I might no longer see sunny memory, in this, that moment, I realized I was quite twisting myself, I was tying my own knot, or tying myself into a knot, allowing these thoughts to intercede and invade when they would have no place if I was a good gatekeeper, apparently not, I wind up thinking myself into situations of confrontations that haven’t happened, but yet the ojeda of same remains, my vacation shield only lasted a day… pretty sad state of affairs, but maybe the goggles have born me a little new sight, I grab a full on  handle of my own dumb self, looking at myself from outward bounds, I am letting this all happen, sure the external pressures are real but I am the one who lets them in to root and cause destruction, am I in some ultimate battle for the soul of the universe here? surely not… surely not… so why then am I the hands tying this very knot…

a moment…

a moment…

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Lake Wallenpaupack, last Saturday, the last day of my vacation, I like to go local and learn local… and it worked out this time… the Poconos are quite beautiful, and shame on me for not ever staying here…. I drove by this awesomeness dozens of times, take a minute, pull over, take a look…. that has been my guiding light the past year… for more info on the exact spot click the link below…. Personally I stayed at The Ledges Hotel, amazing (seriously insane beauty) view, not worth the price tag overall, but be sure to check out the Hawley Silk Mill… and I am writing up many of the places I visited over there on Yelp… the best restaurant was Cora’s.… very local, and dead when the people were flocking to the “hot spots” on the weekend… go to Cora’s, you’ll thank me…. I am sure there is plenty I missed but I will be back, I loved exploring the area !

Lake Wallenpaupak Map !

the travails of joy and exuberance…

the travails of joy and exuberance…

beach woman sunrise silhouette
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

before I got into my car this morning, for my lovely (read: awful) commute, I paused and thought how empty I feel at the moment, I shouldn’t of course, there is nothing wrong, I have breath, I am alive, things are better than average and much better than most, I wander to ponder on how to not feel such things, I begin to think of symbols that might renew hope in life, the opposite of despair, to live in joy with a dash of exuberance, so I think of symbols I might wear, like those crosses or stars, I wonder if those charms do the trick, if there is even a trick, surely we can not be full of joy and exuberance all of the time, but why not try, at least most of the time, there are far worse goals in life, I struggle to find the symbol I can adorn that will be a reminder when worn, “hey buddy, you are alive, life is good, smile”, or something more poetic and high minded but the refrain will remain the same in end meaning, sometimes I concentrate and imagine I can feel the world’s energy flowing into me, sort of like a reverse fountain of energy, like drawn out magnetic poles, I imagine it can replenish me or allow me to share in all that is good in the world, of course such meditation of thought only lasts for a bit, like all else so not permanent, and I wonder if I am stealing a bit of nature’s thunder like some sort of psychic vampire or something more sinister as I try to siphon the life force from the world, because intention is not always the answer and has consequences beyond, but then I come to consider the whole mind boggling size of the universe and I suppose my little request at the forever elixir is not to much to impose, as we all do at some point, but how will I ever know? I guess one day if there is a ledger, and my deeds are so written, I will have to measure up, seems daunting but who knows what that reality will require, if anything, until then I endeavor to find a wellspring, a source, a way to embrace and exude… joy and exuberance.

Your thoughts, comments, eyes and looks are all appreciated.  We are only here a short time, take a breath and always remember that… or at least try…

conversations, in your head…

conversations, in your head…

aerial photo of crater lake
Photo by Adil Gökkaya on Pexels.com

the living scar
might you take a stroll
and walk with me a while
tell me your ills
tales of woe
broken wrecks
upon these bones
so let us stroll
down these miles
through winding paths
all the while
your soul’s despair
sitting on a bench
for contemplation
under the stars
for this map has been tread upon
landmarks marked in the charcoal drawn
paces met to trace a start
I’ll lend you an ear
and reveal all you’ve taught
so, let us talk

notes… nah, I don’t feel like it tonight, I think this one is self evident, besides I am on vacation this week… off to the poconos, local but oddly I have never stayed there just driven through…

music?  heavy, if you can handle it…. Scar Symmetry – Dreaming 24/7