slide…

slide…

(a stream of consciousness post)

slide…

the way to calm the mind, we all have our buttons, as much as I try, as much as I know myself, I still slide down that path to frustration and anger, mostly with the way other people deal with world, anathema is the word, and regardless of my self control, of my trying to accept and understand, slide, but how far is the goal I’ve found, this is not a fight you can actually win, you are the culprit within, but there is a tool for your reprisal, realization, to float back and observe the situation, focus on something bright, something other, something light, pause, the proverbial deep breath to brave the storm (as it shall pass).
slide…
so I step outside, literally and figuratively, find something else to focus on, to center on, to bring back myself to center being, and yes, even in this smothering cold winterness of near silence, providence shall provide, if you just look, and not nearly long did I spy, my own private glacier does flow, in front of my eyes, or at least a sculpture made in the random ways of the world, for four billion years this took, and here it is, presented, just for me, to remark inside at the wonder, I know the chemistry, but the random miracal-ity is what overflows within me, joy rising, now my trance, tracing down the droplets as they travel methodically down the form, around the horns, the strange angles, the sound of the drips that make their way to the ground off ends, tapping on the backs of others of their kind they have now found, and those that froze, to become those delicate tips, mocking gravity herself – for now, and all the little rays of light, bouncing in and around, suddenly my slide, the slide… is no where to be found.

‘the idea of color’ (observational pause)

‘the idea of color’ (observational pause)

optical glass triangular prism
Photo by Dobromir Hristov on Pexels.com

given the prospect of being blind or deaf, I would not choose either, I can not imagine the world as other, I suspect it would be ‘better’ to be born that way then to know of the fruit and then be denied it’s sweet taste, how often do we ponder the good graces of the basics, sight, and more specifically color, something we all take for granted (not wagging a finger, myself charged guilty aside from moments of clarity such as this), just the idea of color is an amazing thing when you stop to wonder on it for a moment, and the mere spectrum we see is just a hint, a shadow really, of all the color actually out there, I suppose we do not tend to think of X-ray, infrared, ultraviolet and microwaves as ‘colors’ but they are in wave form just the same as ROYGBIV, but they are not recognized by our eyes by design, who knows what the future may bring if we leave this earthly thing, or become more bionic than human… maybe someone will be painting in microwave one day (and heating din din at the same time)…
holding a prism and breaking light into a rainbow swath of ingredients, a hidden cascade locked in every light, except when the rain and sun meet, we marvel at those natural rainbows but what is color? visible light, if you look at a strawberry, it is not actually red, the surface of the berry is merely reflecting red light, absorbing the rest, that is what your eyes cast and catch, so therefore “strawberries are red” even when they are not, color is simply an interpretation of what an object is sending back to your optical receptors, but these calculations, happenings, actualities, we process millions in a daily breeze with no effort, just the sheer idea of color shows the sheer wonder of our creation and ability to sample the world provided around us, truly amazing, a palate built for our exact imaginations…

‘proof of life’ an exposition… or just observance, or, ah screw it…

‘proof of life’ an exposition… or just observance, or, ah screw it…

action adventure aerial aerial shot
Photo by Sebastian Voortman on Pexels.com

awash in the whirlpool of life, the little details that spin your head and move your focus round about, this morning, such the chore, taking the car to the dealership for a required check up, they open at 8am and I am no friend of the early morning, well, at least until I grab a hold of a large cup of joe, coffee, that is, to the uninitiated, I must have been feeling fancy this morning and went to my keurig with a starbucks hazelnut blend, I usually just bust out the bustello, my usual friend, but I do love a little hazelnut now and again, the dealership is nice enough, tucked up in a corner of jersey (denville), there are all these little negotiations we make in the daily dance, do I put my mask on … now? do I go inside? or just follow the sign that says ‘enter on green arrow’ by the garage, I’m second in line, so I think the pressure is defaulted to the person in front, but they are not stirring, 7:57am, so close now, everything looks closed, the website says 9am open but my info told me otherwise, 7:58am now and not a creature is stirring, my mind races for no real concrete reason at all, but tell that to my mind, 7:59, I think I see someone, a shadow at least milling around inside, 8am, as if on cue, as if by magic, or just an utterly mundane tuesday morning, the garage opens and in rolls candidate number one in front, do I pull up? do I wait? what, am I negotiating a multinational trade deal here, get a grip, so I do, on the radio dial, but the top of the hour is all news, yawn, no thanks, time for tunes, the blessing and curse of the modern, hundreds of albums to choose from, maybe I am better off turning the radio off, maybe the coffee has had more of an effect on me than I would like to admit (I have to say during this whole pandemic thing I have not been hitting my fix of caffeine as often as I used to), so, perhaps that is what is on my edge this morning, a catalyst for neurotic notions, so I need to… relax, I admonish myself that this sure beats being at work, doesn’t it? and then the clouds part, I’m waved in, no  doubt about it, I pull up to the appointed place, company car, company appointment, I pretty much don’t have to do squat… but squat out in the waiting area outside for awhile apparently, socially distant rules apply, a younger guy sits at the table next to mine, he brought his laptop, damn, I should have thought of that, they surely have decent WiFi, there is only so much I can do on my phone, so time to wait it out, the threat of rain looms, I play some games, watch the car carrier unload, time seems slow, I am not sure if that is my car, I mean I am at the dealership, there are tons of ‘my car’ there by default, and there, in the corner of my eye, something moves, fluttering on by, a meandering pattern, well, not a pattern then, a meandering flight, up-down and mostly right to left, a moth, stark perfect white, I do not know why, nor could I tell you what, but I felt surprisingly alive, a moment of confirmation, all wrapped up in this mundane everyday situation, snapped back into the realization of life, life! just a simple thought, from a simple moth, a little nudge from the outside… or above… I’m alive, I am ALIVE…

breath in the air, for a moment (life)

breath in the air, for a moment (life)

woman lifting her head up
Photo by Martin Lopez on Pexels.com

Another time to take a step back and marvel at this world, something so simple as being out on my deck, walking the dog (or letting her loose on the neighborhood at large), the spotlight on, not quite snow falling in the light blazing from behind my right ear, something between rain and snow but definitely visible coming down straight, I wish I could snapshot my mind sometimes (like this one), pure joy in simple weather, these simple things after a day of fixing all sorts of complications with computers and their machinations (and users…), so here I am just standing in awe, and I let out a breath, and see it set in full form, and try to blow those cool smoke “O” rings, I can not of course, but then I think about the formation of my exhale itself, the very life exiting my body at that very moment, one of the breaths less in the count, for surely there is a count, sadly down, or rejoiced for how long compared to some, but there it is, my breath, a life, something of me breathed back out into the world, maybe recycled one hundred fold, maybe this was once snow on everest, or just dew upon the newest born leaf (or the exhaust of a 72 veedub), all I know is this frozen time, my breath billows out into this surreal, and I am fascinated in all this living dream, as the precipitation still falls in unison as if commissioned (I am mesmerized)… … … and then the jangle of samantha’s tags (the dog, after all), brings me back from this dreamy plane, but those sweetest eyes that look up fuel other dreams, so I slide the door and let her in, taking one look back at the falling precipitation … and breathe out one deep last breath…


notes.. I was going to post a poem about breath that tonight reminded me of, and then this came rambling out of me first as I was thinking about how I felt out on the deck, consider this part of my porch series I suppose… definitely in that vibe

music… Mars De Revs “How to Disappear Completely”

Ambient masterpiece imo, very calming, a song a month composed for sleep/relaxation… I listened to this all day at work often. And I would be remiss if I did miss, the opportunity to say thanks to… you.