“I am the April fool
although I left in June
regardless of time and prank
of this I am quite sure
of all the empty times
and all the empty laughs
have left me here in jest
in all but quite alone”

the clown cries alone, I am reminded of the line from Watchmen:

“Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, “Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.” Man bursts into tears. Says, “But doctor…I am Pagliacci.

notes… I started this blog one year ago, on April Fool’s day for a reason, I am trying not to be the fool I was for so many years which led me to leave the one I truly loved in a way that broke me in more ways than one, I wrote this poem just now completely in whole cloth, earlier today I was questioning my creative spark, I suppose all writers do, sure, I have been nutty busy with work, 12 hour days back to back but yet I feel I neglect this blog… silly really, I know that in terms of knowing but in terms of reality, maybe not so much, if I wilted away in the next hour into nothing the world would not care, but I should, and that should be my focus going forward, and going forward is the point, I need to drop this yoke of my past, but I am just not past it yet, I worry for her and the life I left, it is not my responsibility nor has it been for some time, but… always the damn ‘but’, I am a fool, people move on and could care less about an ex, but something about our love has hooks in my heart that I have not been able to remove, guilt, shame, regret, all players, hard to shed but I know I have to.  I have grown this past year, so solace in that thought, not enough, I am an impatient lot… I know myself well, but still frustrate myself.