april fool’s day should be my birthday for I may wish to restrict being only a fool for one day not the whole year.
notes… I started this little project a few years ago on April Fools Day.. that was not an accident, for I have been a fool, and still am, no matter how far ahead I get I know I am handled by my own limitations, trying to breach them is my mission, I fail, I stumble, but I move on anyway, head held high with foolish pride, because… well, I’m human you know. And the poem… this is meant as an exercise in diction/pace, sometimes they just come to me that way.. so here it is in simple terms… enjoy… and thanks to all who have ever taken a pause here to view my work.
“I am the April fool although I left in June regardless of time and prank of this I am quite sure of all the empty times and all the empty laughs have left me here in jest in all but quite alone”
the clown cries alone, I am reminded of the line from Watchmen:
“Heard joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, “Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.” Man bursts into tears. Says, “But doctor…I am Pagliacci.
notes… I started this blog one year ago, on April Fool’s day for a reason, I am trying not to be the fool I was for so many years which led me to leave the one I truly loved in a way that broke me in more ways than one, I wrote this poem just now completely in whole cloth, earlier today I was questioning my creative spark, I suppose all writers do, sure, I have been nutty busy with work, 12 hour days back to back but yet I feel I neglect this blog… silly really, I know that in terms of knowing but in terms of reality, maybe not so much, if I wilted away in the next hour into nothing the world would not care, but I should, and that should be my focus going forward, and going forward is the point, I need to drop this yoke of my past, but I am just not past it yet, I worry for her and the life I left, it is not my responsibility nor has it been for some time, but… always the damn ‘but’, I am a fool, people move on and could care less about an ex, but something about our love has hooks in my heart that I have not been able to remove, guilt, shame, regret, all players, hard to shed but I know I have to. I have grown this past year, so solace in that thought, not enough, I am an impatient lot… I know myself well, but still frustrate myself.