I sat there, in too much obviousness, sometimes when you are trying to meditate, or clear your mind, you try to hard, in fact you try, that is the problem, there is the confine of time, I get it, I am the same, I have this confined space to get into my right mind during my lunch break, I like to think of music as a trigger, to allow my mind to linger and then fade into the background, I did not do a good job of it today, I was thinking about an upcoming wedding, a young cousin, the same age when I fell madly in love without the groundwork I have now to understand and worship the ground, I thought I might dedicate a poem to them, some wisdom, from me, the fool, but certainly weathered and known, of course I will cut a check to them as is custom but I would rather do something memorable outside of candelabras and the usual like… I wrote this, perhaps a start, it was my thought at the moment, in the moment, so, why not…
love is two stones in a brook where over the water perfectly flows shared experience coincided time fate in a window of all that could have ever been in billions of ever gone and since two stones in a brook side by side
notes…. I hope it makes sense to them, or maybe the ramblings of an older man who may understand or may be reaching for once what was, and perhaps what will be, once again, I hope
I am no guru or practitioner of any particular faith, belief system or anything of the sort (but I not one to dismiss those things as I once certainly was), today was one of those days at work where everything just seemed LOUD ! (sorry, about the volume, that is), ever have one of those days where every little sound in your office or work environ was more like a jack hammer for your personal amusement, almost a cacophony produced just for your benefit (or to spite specifically you), the phone, the tapping, the door slamming, the laughing, the phone, terrible personal ring tones, the tapping. the door slamming, the phone – will someone get that! all this escalating in a spiral of audio vertigo… ugh, I think you get my drift, so I had to escape to find some good head space, I sneaked off to my car, popped in some tunes (in this case (“Carbon Life Forms – Mos 6581”), FLAC format – I am a nerd, I know, I guess this is meditation, I close my eyes and try to open my mind to whatever will come, sometimes some gnarly psychedelics, but often I think of water (the ocean), as I am trying to clear my mind, not necessarily get to a “happy place” but more or less let my mind wander and empty and see what fills the space, today it had words…
endless waves stretched out to the horizon why is it always these times when the light has not long, rises in sines waves formed in perfect lines motion in curves amber orange crests to cover, endless waves on shore break I can feel each one, penetrate as they dissipate into my feet bottom sand, blanket sense I wish to lie here forever for all time in this endless waves, this lullaby, rise risen riding fading one by one looped film as one becomes at once billions and one becomes one with all the calm the heartbeat drawn pace by phases dampen the path of mortal ambitions this celestial shore endless waves into the forever more.
notes… as usual this is a first draft, I’d love to say I will get back to it… but I probably won’t. this was a moment, and there it is, or was, or something like that.
This april shower feels more like a november rain, the gentle rapping of manicured fingertips sounding on my windshield, not a down pour by any means, just enough rain to confuse my intermittent wiper instincts, back and forth, back and… forth, forth, back, I settle in medium, I scan the radio digital dial, rise my eyes north and traffic is negotiating with a halt, I keep my foot set to brake, I settle on the classical channel, on comes a violin concerto by mozart, it does not seem to matter which one, tail lights flare and glow, diffused and suspended in this wet prism, organized embers from a thousand volcanoes sizzle just above ground level, and the world seems, to…, slow down, like a well made movie, the musical score underneath sets the tone, the rotating yellow beacon of the tow truck reaches across three lanes, like a lighthouse that has arrived too late, I feel calm, then passing past the scene ups the pace, perhaps this music has me held in a trance, my thoughts drift and float away from the sea of red angry eyes, in fact, they seem more now like a string of xmas lights curling around this asphalt pine,
and inevitably my thoughts wander, to her, wondering what she is doing, if she is merely ok, knowing I can do nothing about it either way, a helplessness not ameliorated by my own guilt or shame of actions, I am cursed with a superb memory, I recall most all things, words, deeds, moments, the feel, that moment the morning I left, that gentle kiss to your forehead, the day my hope became terminal, these are my own monuments hewn by my hands, my own doing, whether that is good, bad or mightily indifferent, matters not in this hour or ever, sometimes the punch of this inflicts an illicit reaction of tears, sometimes a wry smile, sometimes a sheer bathing in the warmth of light, of joy, of rejoicing, I realize, for some never get the chances I have had, I know this, but the road I have chosen certainly has taken a toll and the miles long, long ago. You are still and will always be the most beautiful woman in the world to me, even if the chance to say so has been lost to time. (concerto ends, radio host interjects with some not so clever quip)
another accident over there, in the express lane, another tow truck on the right shoulder, amber lights spinning, I am back to the real world, driving home, under a sky with no stars, a bleak mess I think, and then… it stirs, “but I have to believe, I must believe – there is hope in all things, I am alive.”
Notes… I wrote this like many things, in my head while driving, literally on the go literature (reciting the lines and ideas in my head like a mantra), scribbled down in my journal at the clark rest stop, in the rain, and somehow it made me feel a little more sane, at least for a time. There is always hope… I hope.
music… time to chill out/meditate and turn up the bass ! check it…