“the life I wear wear on myself and worn familiar broken in no longer comfortable in this skin and may be never was what I was sold to believe”
notes… ok, had to be a word nerd (I am an unabashed dork of vocabulary), accouterments is just one of those little, ok, big words I adore (*gush*) , I wrote this back in may, totally forgotten by none other than me, until today (obviously), I went back and looked through pages and pages of material (my mess of journals)… I wrote new stuff today but… somehow this hit me to post after I got home from work tonight (now, I was doing an install in Fort George NYC), I had to move equipment that was in place for 10+ years… and it has done my allergies no favors… dust bunnies are not cute, or furry, and damn they mess me up… in other news I got lost a bit in the neighborhood (I don’t know this particular part of Manhattan that well) and I wound up in Fort Tryon Park… damn I wish I had the time to share the views… you bet your ass I will be revisiting and getting some photos and video up there…
“across the way, there- four squirrels on the lawn I have never seen so many gathered and get so well along they must be plotting scheming I can feel it in my bones four squirrels over yon what are they waiting for I know what they seek they are trying to lull my senses lower my defenses into, sleep “not this day! not on my watch!” four squirrels taunt and shake their tails I know they look to this now a bounty untouched but fierce resistance I shall muster as long as fallen ramparts allow so I watch and pace the trunk about and pace I await four squirrels looking to plunder”
(the thoughts of a worried chipmunk)
notes… sometimes just a visual triggers my art, this is that, I found it silly, but also there is metaphors there, everything is scale, we think we are on top of all the world, but we are left to the same devices, but at least, we can smile, and realize our status.
as usual, all thoughts, likes, questions, odd stares, stink eye moments and genuine love… is all appreciated, if you made it this far, you have my thanks, and I would buy you a drink if you were two stools down, a virgin mary? sure, whatever you desire…
honestly I forgot to post this all the other day (and I have back there two times since!)… the location ? (good question) American Veterans Memorial Pier (Bay Ridge NY), really a great place where the belt parkway meets the BQE, tucked under there next to Dyker Heights (cobble stone streets and brownstones… damn it is nice), the view of Manhattan is just amazing, from Lady Liberty all the way down to the UN Building (which off the top of my head is on 43rd, I used to have an account there)… so here are some photos….
life should be like just now, let my dog scamper about, the temp is, just right, the summer sounds are still about, but nothing is stirring at 2:30am, it is a time you can have for yourself in these parts, right at this particular time I have no issues pending, I could quit my job with no consequence, I am of good health, I have no worries outside of anything really, and it all seems in line tonight, so relaxing and releasing, my dog’s silhouette walking the strip of lawn between the sidewalk and the curb (a truly suburban thing), she turns her head and looks at me, and I say “no, it’s OK” as usually I am in a hurry for some nonsense reason, tonight I think, let her roam free, not too free mind you, I do not feel like tracking her down when she ranges… and she does range sometimes, she always comes back, BUT there is always that underlying panic that grows each minute when I know she is out of my vocal reach or vision reach, I know in my mind she always comes back, she always does, but the what if… the what if always plays with your mind… tonight, is not that night, she stays tightly bound to me, maybe recognizing the hour, I do talk to her like a person, “hey, before we go out, make it quick, it’s late” as if she understands that sentiment, I pretend she does, I can delude myself and elevate my dog full rosetta stone, thank you very much, for it works, at least tonight, no panic, she deposited what she had to, for me to clean up in the morrow, but came back with just a snap, and all was good… and with that I am off to hopefull dreams, lay my head down and sleep, for a few hours at least…
I have to admit, if this pre-empts my other post tonight it should not (I felt that was an inspired post), this was just spur of the moment, the other post I wrote yesterday was more inspired I think, ah, the muse, inspiration, what a funny fickle thing… but as usual let it fly baby, let it fly…
family…
for some reason, I must admit to myself a certain underlying apprehension, as a family gathering is happening out on the horizon, nothing formal like a wedding mind you, just a get together, a party for an uncle eclipsing the 80 year mark (who looks great for his age), but anyway, I got to thinking about this underlying apprehension as to how I would be judged or looked at, is it my expectations, theirs? both? driving to work can provide mind maddening traffic nightmares but also a chanee to reflect, so I guess this is what that is, I suppose there will be idle talk about what David is or was supposed to be, and what or who I am now, speculation, derision, is family strangers… you just happen to know better ? just not better than your friends ? these are my findings, not all families get along (we are not fighting mind you,), I suppose we do alright these days, better than most, although the distance between all of us has grown and is quite palpable, an interesting phenomena in the days of digital communication, things are actually less personal, get togethers are more rare, real communication is even rarer, is it regret? a generational thing? I’m not sure, I suppose we all bear some responsibility, so easy to melt into our various devices as devices of convenience and distraction (the evolution of bread and circus?), in many ways I seem to know more about what my relatives think, on social media at least, but is that just a face… or reality? or a mixture? I try to be as honest as possible in all phases but in reality, this reality we all play roles, whether we admit that to ourselves or not, we have differing faces, not mendacity, not lies, just different sides for different suns, can we escape that paradigm? I suppose that is what I try… at least… so I think there will be those that judge me against their children or some other quite temporal measuring stick, what is success anyway, and is temporary “success” in this world worth anything anyway? Are having kids… success ? if those kids “fail”… does that lessen your ‘success’ based on so many factors you can not possibly control… or do you just roll with it, life that is, the more I think about it the more I tend to let go when I catch myself acting by the hand of outside forces, like these thoughts that have invaded my little space but I caught them sneaking in (they should have removed their shoes… amateurs…)
Photo by Rodolpho Zanardo on Pexels.com
lest you be judged…
“let people judge you” because in the end what does it matter, you can never, or will never be able to control the thoughts or will of others, there is no super secret power or device to such end, your options are very obvious if you distill them down, forever chase the end of the rainbow to no end… or just accept things (and yourself) as they are, I am not saying throw out the baby with the bathwater and eschew personal growth and goals, but as far as other people’s thoughts? consider them, but let that not be your guiding principal in this life, it is easy to judge anything and everything, it is our absolute nature to compare things, but take into consideration that we all have limited experience in these comparisons regardless of how long we have been riding on this planet, we are very tied down to our own experiences which in the scope of things is quite limited (think about the variables, when you were born, your parents, your country, your state, your gender, your religion etc etc), so trust in that deficiency, sounds strange to trust in your lack of something, but that lack of experience is exactly the lens you are filtering the world through, admitting real limitation is the keystone to the bridge of accomplishment (I should author fortune cookie messages… or hallmark cards… I’m available for parties, no balloon animals (just can’t do that) and no ponies (I’m allergic) )…
Photo by luizclas on Pexels.com
eclipse…
maybe my problem is over stimulated blindness, looking at the sun can be overwhelming, at times an eclipse might be most useful, something between you and everything, blocking enough so you can see the periphery and the outline, not all the light at once so you can appreciate the whole that much more when it is revealed again, there is a lesson in there somewhere, the patience of it all, as the curtain is slowly drawn and then reversed until full dawn, so maybe I will think of an eclipse if I am ever overwhelmed, and remember not to take in the whole ball of sun at once (as I tend to do, becoming a localized Atlas with not the shoulders he had), realize my limitations and take in what I can instead of swallowing whole, surely though I will falter and draw to close, fall like Icarus into the sea, and hopefully not drown this time, or the next, like all things practice in this, and practice becomes habit and habit becomes your work clothing, and then you forget the change ever happened at all, because you are comparing things as you go…
Photo by Stijn Dijkstra on Pexels.com
so I suppose my fear (or discomfort) is un-grounded, I should not have apprehension for a family gathering, if I cause rumors or a stir, it matters about as much as a car spider scuttling across my window at night, or a leaf slowly swaying back and forth as it inevitably lands on the ground, have I cleared myself of the fear completely? some part of me still clings, but somehow, after examination, I feel some relief… and I suppose that is progress, besides the sky is very blue today, there is a cloud that looks like a mile fern leaf, the wind is gently turning the purple leaves of the cherry blossom outside this concrete box where I work, it all seems right… it all seems OK… at least for now, and that is all you can hope for sometimes…
finger-style electric, mellow but exciting, and if you play the technical level is mind blowing, they are playing the TLA in Philly in September, hell yell I will be there… (I couldn’t make the Brooklyn show on the 16th this month.. grrrr)
I could sense a palpable sigh as the rain began to fall, as if the ground was tired of holding up the heat and wished to heave the warmth back into the sky, I watched the lightning coming in, the breeze as an emissary picking up, I am in no hurry to run for cover, this is a welcome rain, I have seen days that hit three digits, I have seen heat waves, so this was not some panic toxic today, just a nod to not be working out in the yard, better to dip your feet in the water and sip on a frozen pina colada by the neighbor’s pool, some would say my mother raised a fool, but at least not this day, so anyway, back to the rain, I am not sure if it is perception, reaction, or imagination, the change seems swift, the temperature drops like a bullet, plummets, not very scientific of me, just the feel, the hair on my arms as the weather stations reporting the local condition, my dog rolling around on her back, in the grass, getting all wet, she does not like to be clean, she’s over ten years old now, so she has earned the privilege of her particular needs, so I let her roll around until her dog heart is content…
Photo by Rodrigo Souza on Pexels.com
why is lightning so fascinating ? the largeness of it? the semi magical seeming nature of it? the perceived and real danger? Even though we mostly know technically what lightning is… does that remove the wonder? not for me, maybe not for you. the rain is coming now, the breeze with subtle trumpets has announced, and you can hear the sheets creeping, falling, advancing, feet from me now, an errant drop scout here and there in my hair, I was facing the wrong direction, somehow, the rain snuck up on the rear while the light show distracted the front of house, nature, she has been at this a good deal longer than I, she will always have the upper hand no matter how smart I might project to be, the only question now is, how wet do I care to be? no soak tonight, I casually stroll back to my door as it now really cracks the sky to pour, I hear the symphony of downward water pounding on the leaves, increasing, I call out to sam to “come inside”, she obliges, her little happy bouncing gate in stride, and back I go, the weight of the heat of the day lifted, I look forward to open skies in the morning.
I turn, in a flash I see things that do not exist memories and flashbacks of this from when you were alive as if standing right there by my side can not feel more real as these thoughts are mine not tangible with hands or reason stretched inside it curls and throes the emptiness your absence exposed
“Shower in the AM” memory trigger every day I engage in this morning ritual today, flashed to the past -a quite unexpected break, from the norm
hot waterfalls flowing down the curved contours of your back and my hands float soap foam follows and accents down, your palms upon on my chest jet hair black back our eyes lock sensual glare our bodies locked bare knowing someone else’s body as close as yours in this downpour
I remember our apartment room for two and a zoo, the time we were together, in love
a simple shower a tiny detail of that life I had forgotten, tried to forget how could I have forgotten the reminder back to the present. you are not here – I dry off, and go to work.
notes… this is a very personal one, I wrote it back in may, completed it (as it were) today, sort of just a revision, I don’t know if I will ever shake her, probably not honestly, I hope for her sake she has forgotten me, I don’t wish anyone to be mired in this, sometimes I feel it like an anchor but tell myself I have not drowned so it can not be… it can not be… for I am here, I am trying to love her and yet allow for love to replace what is gone by my own hand, so there is guilt there, and truth, and love… I wish I had the strength to just cut through it all like I know I have to… but I don’t, I am searching, and I am optimistic, I am always optimistic…
I dare you to find a finer vocalist… jasmine is friggin ridiculous. This tune was the theme song for perhaps one of the best anime series ever made – LAIN, it is like the matrix on crack, watch it, it is heady and smart.. and the soundtrack? well… astounding…
and .. thanks for all the likes, comments, quiche recipes and whatnot… I am enjoying interacting with you all, thanks (I bowed).
another long standard (read: stressful) day @ the office, I wanted to sit out on the old porch tonight and muse to transport my mind off-world or on-world just somewhere else, the weather, on the other back hand slap, had other ideas, and decided to mess heavily with my commute with continuous walls of rain, so I was burned out by the time I arrived @ home night, much later than hoped, and drained, so I decided what the hell… remember the scene from Shawshank where Andy crawls out from the tunnel? yeah, something like that, I happen to love thunderstorms, the pageantry, the power, the light-show, so… I stepped outside, barefoot as I am known to do these days, and frolicked in the rain like a silly spun child, pouring rain that began to pour more so as I go, so what if I get soaked to the bone, what does it matter, why did I ever care about rain on my shoulders, or hair, or else, I found myself splashing about the puddles on my driveway, still quite warm from a 90 degree blazing sun day, and on the lawn, much cooler, grass reaching up and flooding the gaps in my toes, somehow being barefoot and about outside in the world is a taste of free range, I have been doing it quite often as of late, just not in a torrent of near blinding rain, I twirled around a bit under the street light like a top, hands out, palms up, forgot about any dirt or grit that might be about, pacing slowly pacing on my lawn, flexing my toes like talons to pick up all the sensations, so this is Barry? I thought to myself, how do you do sir, heard a good deal about you, long way to travel just to see New Jersey from the Gulf, but he won’t be in town but for the night, so I say adieu and goodnight, soaked to the skin, I feel refreshed, renewed, relaxed, a localized baptism, experience, why did I ever run from the rain in the past? and why did it take me so long to reconnect to such simple pleasures, kicking around in a puddle without a care of consequence, letting go of all my adult trappings, washed down to the curb, next time I think, however, I should throw on a bathing suit… my knickers are sticking…
Flash update (2AM), just walked the dog, Barry is just clouds now, the sidewalk is still cold, the driveway is still warm (oddly), and the lawn…. damn I just paced back and forth 50 times… it does not get old…. the spinning in the non rain though… eh, not as cool…
sometimes Ithink of slogans, or slug lines, or t-shirt sayings, sometimes they are poems or something else… these both came to me tonight in my car driving home, stuck in traffic on the GSP, a theme for me, sometimes traffic gets me down, sometimes I am inspired, tonight, I must admit I was listening to the new Tycho album and just digging it, it transported me, away from all the base garbage of the sitting in traffic experience, even the fumes in the rest area did not confound me, maybe it will kill me in the long run, but right now? I feel pretty good. I do not have the love of a partner but I do have life, so at least I have possibility still… and that is enough (sometimes)…
Photo by Justin Hamilton on Pexels.com
(1) beacon may I cast light out into the world unto you and be a beacon in dark times may I remember and be reminded of the light within and be a beacon of truth and of love
Photo by Ivandrei Pretorius on Pexels.com
(2) inspire, be that light to guide others forward into their own
Shades of My Garden 