the random photo in the bathroom the frame is a bit crooked or is the line of white tile beneath something is off someone is wrong
running into the sunrise a neighbor directly black suit neon shoes
the sun looks more like a gestating star with all the gases orbiting round converging into the core
a pure black cat sitting on a lawn like a silhouette prone, ears up back to me my luck I suppose
an accident on the southbound side tarp over the car, meaning mile marker 96 I notice no, more distance has passed since I am supposed to feel something aren’t I? should I meet such an end at any time not the fairy tale sleep I promise myself traffic is backed up for miles south
over the snake mountain bridge the sun has burned through now a jewel nestled in swirls of mist the empire state building stands the middle piece the land between quite unremarkable but the skyline – as you might imagine on a day like this
notes… this was an experiment of sorts, kind of stream of my consciousness in shorts, literally the bombardment of rampart in my mind as I woke and drove to work this am… I don’t record myself I write these in my mind as I drive and repeat them like a mantra, I lose some lines here and there, sure, but I really hate my voice on recordings, it does not match the voice in my mind, the voice I speak to myself always in is not what I hear in there, if you know what I mean…
today was one of those near prefect days, I always tell people (that from my experience living in Florida) that when a hurricane (or remnants) pass through they generally, like some strange weather magnet, clear the table of all ill, the day after a hurricane is usually spectacular, today, was one of those days, I could feel it coming, did I take full advantage? I would love to lie to you and tell you so, I set my alarm, prepped my pack, but when the morning moment came, my get up and go left me flat, I routinely get up around 7am for work most days, six days a week with nary an exception outside of vacation, but damn my blood is cement in the confines of my bed, softest pillows man can buy, curled up in a blanket like a seaweed encircled rock in tide, the lullaby of a 15 hour ocean channel on my laptop, and knowing these are days I can control my dreams, to some extent, lucid dreaming, a form of meditation for my buck, sometimes I can embark on great adventures, sometimes the past is relived with a different twist, and yet sometimes the feel is so real it becomes like a memory, making me blur what was dreamed and what was past, today, not so much luck, just redundant thoughts of having my pocket picked and my wallet gone, I must admit I am a bit paranoid of such things, the panic in my dream quite gripped me and stole away my breath, not that much unlike that feeling of falling when dreaming, you would swear the real and the experience’s merit, so, when I finally did rouse my lazy bones from their perch, time to go to the store and gather up some essentials to make dinner perhaps but definitely my lunches to have at work, my wallet was not in the usual position, I make a point to put things in the same place, as to avoid such situations, my mind immediately went to where it might be, where was I last? when did I last have it out? who could have taken it? clearly I was being influenced by my dreams, or did I influence them subconsciously it seems, it is ALWAYS there next to my keys, and try to conjure the rare situations it might dwell elsewhere, like by my computer if I ordered something, nope, not there, I check the car, perhaps it fell out of pocket, I find a receipt from november 2019 and nothing else, where the hell could it be? I start to think the restaurant I picked up from last night surely would have called… wouldn’t they? shouldn’t they? I imagine someone rifling through the bills, excited to find a good score, and also taking my ID and more, just like my damn dream, that was on repeat and I could not shake, I check all the places I just checked once more, still not there, I suppose I was hoping for magic, a quick look in my hamper, I don’t see any pants, what the hell did I wear yesterday? I dig further, and the delightful weight hits as I pull out a pair of trousers, there it is, I run through the contents anyway to make sure all is there, panic fades, my own mind is it’s own carnival some days… bring in the clowns…
/angel as for days marked as these I was not meant to see but there she was anyway a lamenting angel a casualty of war
just in her eyes – read like history so far down forlorn skies gather clouds as my mind crosses hers o’ ancient one, accursed how long should you be punished how long to be trapped to dwell here between death and dawn knowing neither knowing you were wrong
notes… so something caught my eye, the corner, like a fish hooked I suppose, I saw into the soul of an angel, a fallen one of course, I have to be dramatic right? but in all seriousness this is a blink, a wink, something that flicked the switch in my mind, there is a bunch of themes in there for you to digest, so… enjoy (and feel free to discuss, because you know, I encourage such things)… and I did see something… didn’t I??
the night chorus is deafening, a competition? no, more like a party, a rave, perhaps to woo the parting season out the door, is september really up the block? hard to believe the speed of such things, and yet the plague remains making this all one strange stretch of life, will 2020 (with hindsight) become, in all memory, ‘the lost year of covid-19’, finding it’s way into global history like things ‘the dust bowl’ or ‘the great depression’, hard to tell when you are living the thing that will become a historical mark, back to the night outside, or more precisely surround, as loud as the din is (and it is) I find silence in the solemn solace slow march of the clouds, the half moon provides just enough light to watch the gentle behemoths sail on by, stars peek-a-boo, all covered with this loud blanket of bug noise on the ground level, I imagine this is what a hot swamp sounds like all the time, I can not say this is a pure lullaby but the longer I stay to listen, the sneak sooner this seems soothing, the world lays wet from a fresh storm just past moments ago, sparks, flashes of distant others occasionally light the corners of my visible box of sky, but always the sound, like an old coach’s silver neck whistle blown gently but every second without fail rhythmic, waves of this sound, in and out, up and down, tidal sound, I am gladly drowning in the aural sensation, only to be awakened, damn them, the damn devil mosquitoes, their minions making sure I am bound to not dull or not dwell in the symphony, or maybe they are the surrogates or the forward tentacles of the sirens, drawing me in so they may feed on my literal life blood, and I succumb as much as I can bear to endure the performance sung, the odd moth crashes into my hair, stopping there but with wings still flapping, so close to my ear as to hint at invasion into the my inner sanctum, sending skin bumps up and down my spine electric, hairs on end, discomfort, I twitch like a mare, and buck like a bull with a rider, I shake the stowaway loose, I try to again focus on the sky and sound combined, the inverted river flowing above in moonlight, but damn these blood-thirsty beasts, for at this party, no, for at this feast, I have presented myself as the main course, the last engorged orgy before the sleeping season, my legs like stalks of blood sausage presented, pulsing pods of insatiable distraction, and to prove an axiom I slap some flat, there are no free lunches here ya’ bums, and with that I retreat to my sweet air conditioned bubble… calgon, take me away…
a long winding day of work, not the worst day, not the best day, lying in that somewhere in between, not exhausted but might remark so if asked, and it was if the world were to tap me on the shoulder and say “hey stupid, look over here”, and so I did, among the quite unremarkable semi-industrial human-scape of hackensack nj, my own little Manhattanhenge of sorts, well, the effect of the sun at least it seems, and in popped the words “crested dawn”, not sure what it means but that is certainly the words that painted the scene for me, even if it was a sunset, in between two semi run down industrial buildings to the left of my office, and I must admit, I felt a sense of peace, a sly little smile crept in, the tank did not fill completely but there was some ponce de leon in there, that little slice of a moment to pause, I smiled and moved on carrying a bit with me…
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had to stop by the local market for a few essentials before they close, and yes, sorbet (raspberry) is an essential if you must ask, back to my car, parked socially distant in the far part of the lot, I look up, there is a hazy fat crescent moon, hazy for one because of the humidity, fat crescent? well, when I think of a crescent moon, I think of a thin sliver, a cat’s eye glimmer, this was more on it’s way to a half moon, but not quite there, I guess this is 38.5% moon, doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue romantically now does it? but either way, not the moon we catch most often, or at least that I see or look up at with dreaming eyes most nights, sort of this hazy aberration, the aftermath of a very unsatisfying thunderstorm, summer thunderstorms can be wonders of relief, breaking open the humid grip and letting the night slide into comfort, not this one, all that was accomplished was making the street and ways wet, still the night is hot with summer sweat, the kind you can feel just enough like you are wading through as you walk, relishing the instant you can enter your car shell and flick the AC on, so I traverse back the usual way, slowing down where the cop always sits in that school lot, setting up for the one left I have to make before home, a green arrow lane also, bonus, or so I thought, there are cars in front of me, the light turns green, nothing motion, and then after what seemed like an eternal less than ten seconds, the guy in front goes straight, no signal, why bother when you are upsetting the apple cart of the world, and immediately my mind melted and screamed in a thousand tongues “A-hole” as I felt the rage build volcano strong, and then a pause, clarity, that same sly smile from before, slid back in, I remembered the little light show afforded me and grin from just an hour ago, and silly me, silly me, why fly into such a dumb rage, the whole ‘incident’ cost me not an age but a relative instant, I drove the rest of the way home quite amused at myself, the seriousness and the doubt, how easily I was led down a path of twist and shout, over the littlest of things, when I am surrounded daily by the most miraculous of things…
first. breakthrough. last. lasting. millennial to millions.
a fresh boot mark imprinted in the thick mud, or a bigfoot track revealed perhaps? impressions. a silhouette of a shadow boot mark on a pristine white floor, all the ridges, all the flaws, all the all, a step in time, that footprint on the moon, frozen in time (for our now), the fulcrum tips on the balance of an impression, or so we are told, but what about the hold, is that not more important than the toe dipped, the first impression can be the last, or a quick forgotten past, when it passes, how much is effort? how much is luck? as to what is stuck or what sticks permanently, all that we pack in to those moments, the anxiety, the hiding, the projection of what we want that footstep to be, crafting the stamp before the ink, a perception, a link to our own frailties, a created construct to the best of our abilities, sometimes the arrow will even pierce the mark, a bullseye hit out of the park, but to what end, the circus may come to town but not all will be amused, the pageantry, the showmanship, the acrobats fluid moves, but in the end maybe all that remains are the clown’s shoes, and I think of paleontology… a dinosaur’s footprint, left in the mud, on some seemingly normal every day creek or waterway, here now, encased in a forever millions of years later, how can I compete with that? or should I even bother? the mundane echo of an every day to stop and drink some water has lasted longer than mankind has even pondered… my life moments pass without so much wonder… or will I leave a footprint fossil of some kind… ? we all want to leave our mark, but look at what has actually survived… by chance…
often, ok, probably nightly I like to put on ocean sounds, not as good as the real thing but I not quite gotten to the point where I can afford an on the beach locale of my own for escape, so I take the next best thing, youtube that is, why the sea is a lullaby for me is a mystery, but it is, and I am not alone apparently if I look at clicks and hits, sorry, “views” in the youtube vernacular, so my mind was drifting, listening to a true recording translated into a faux ocean tide…
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…and I began to think of my hands, inside, trying to see the actual cells connected, to realize everything to scale, how I am truly a sum of parts, miniscule bits, all working as one, might I rival an ant farm, but hopefully not sitting on someone’s dresser for amusement or curiosity, to contemplate that there is actually space in between everything even our skin, although we do not perceive it, at some level it would be like looking at the solar system and-or our galaxy, so much space in between bodies and stars depending on from where you are observing, things are passing through me right now, yet I don’t feel violated, I wonder if I could ever perceive the situation or did we not develop this unneeded sensation for survival, I imagine the intersections, the traffic controls of flow, the plethora of little car wrecks that must go on in the millions, all the while I might be doing something utterly useless like playing a game on my phone, as the mini universe inside my hands explodes with activity, a boiling cauldron of possibility oddly – out of reach but certainly there, and then I think of the future, or the past, really the same in this case, one day the great tide of god will break me down to just molecules, and I will just become part of the shore once more, sand scattered on a line or in a form, until such time as I am gathered up again by the will of the same, my unique consciousness summoned again, the trillions of combinations that came before, all tallied up into this particular form, and soon, way sooner than I may like, broken back down to transform into other life as life will go on – without me.
I must admit, I find a touch of solace (or wonder?) watching the milk bloom in my morning coffee, almost like experiencing the genesis of clouds in my own privately owned weather globe, until of course it becomes amorphous, which is only merely a few moments, but then stage two, caffeine kicks in… the phone is ringing, there goes the moment, back to ‘important‘ matters… (sigh)
for I am not truly escaping all human sounds, there is the occasional car, or neighbor walking their dog yammering on their phone, but much better than the din within the walls, of TVs with sports, a washing machine sanitizing dishes already clean, a dryer tumbling more coins than clothes, a phone ringing out loud with scams, for some reason, just tonight, an avalanche fell on the roadside of my mind, it all just became too much, too loud, maybe salvation resides in the mundane, taking out the sunday night garbage to the curb for pickup, a ritual that keeps you in line in your time frame prescribed, that even keel, how after days and nights of pouring 90s, how 70 degrees feels, so slight, the night crickets are not as loud as on those humid horrors, the swarming mosquito lions of this savanna are not as blood-thirsty, they even ask for reservations to dine, or so I imagine their disposition, there is a steady silent breeze, everything, everything is in motion, but calm, subtle undulation, as if receiving a gentle neck massage from ethereal unseen fingers, this is one of those moments I wish I could wrap up and hide, save for a more dire time, is this perfection? surely not, but much closer in that direction than the bulk of my days so far… this scene, a trigger, to make me breathe in deeper to capacity and past, to smell and taste and tap the very essence of now, all the plants seem relaxed in this bath, a return from a desert to a meadow, from far pendulum swing to the middle, I wish I could transfer all humanity into my now, the sweeping deep calm of this moment, like being held afloat by a warm loving ocean without any worry, worldly concerns left at the door behind me, just listening, listening, escaping the indoor sounds, for now.
the lady in waiting, trade in a life for the dream, so clear, a portrayal of all love inside a movie scene, i always thought it would be you, a quiet painted green wooden porch, the type of porch that encompasses all around the house, peeling paint on all the edges of door and window frames, buckled from years of the seasons beatings, a backdrop to all the reasons, the creaking rocker swing, and there we are, looking out at a long field of green grasses, something like a farm, harmonized by the subtle magic of the grass swaying, for a jersey boy a strange thought perhaps, maybe this is some sort of rockwell archetype (or hummel) etched in me somewhere at my core, a typical apple pie american bucolic scene, and my mind shifts… maybe the shore, the ocean, the beach with no one else around, the gulls sounds across the dunes, I suppose miles of swaying grass resembles the sea after all, the same calming feeling ensues, wind waves undulating on, perhaps she waits there for me, or am I waiting for her to arrive, here at, the sunset of our lives, a sun sinks below into the depths, seagulls become just black angle angels hovering against the glow, tired and quiet now, there is just the sound of the waves break, the pulse, the true deep heartbeat of the earth herself, and your hand, I can feel the warmth from what blood is left, our eyes locked out to the seascape, as if we are one, and we are, because that is what I wish this to be, my lady in waiting, my love, I will come for thee, if I have to cross the face of god or the scour the body of the universe – for you, I will, I will come, to spend those last moments with you – as one, I will walk barefoot across the surface of the sun, burn all that remains save my soul for the return, for I will journey on, until, I am once more with you, my love, my lady in waiting.
Shades of My Garden 