the guilt
like a captor
a cage
becomes familiar
a house
with common walls
closing in
circling
blinds the view
no windows
no doors
huddled in the corner
struggling against the bindings of my guilt
under the weight of stone
tattered clothing
barely covers
broken form
cold wood boards
floor creaking
talking
reminding
the key-
to forgive
out of reach
beyond my sight
I can not see,
my mouth, my mouth pantomimes
Help… Help… Help…
(and softer…)
…help –
until a whisper
then just a murmur
quakes across trembled lip
quivers
-help
a single tear forms
and draws
like a blade that strikes out against the world
(help)… (help)… help me, please… please…
No cute notes or music on this one.. I think I will let it stand for itself. -dmk
I actually wrote something about 9/11 today (in my car reciting it to myself until I arrived at work and feverishly scribbled it down)… but it is something I actually want to work on due to the nature of the moment (very not me, I know, you know if you read anything I write that I am usually just in the moment of now)… Every day I drive a certain section of the NJ Turnpike (geez, what an arcane term) and a hill crests where you can see NYC like a postcard (over that abomination of a train station)…. thousands of cars, we all pass this every day vision in the distance, so close you can almost touch it, I wonder how many pause and are struck by inspiration, surely not the A-hole in the Infiniti all over my bumper… I used to have road rage but now I smile more, because where the hell are we all going ? really? plus I have great tunes on my USB stick….
So I posted the above because I am determined to post everything I write for the most part… good or bad, this is not about me showcasing my best stuff.. this is me unloading on the universe that which I am driven to create, and share. I do not claim to understand how this works, if it works… or anything… if I can touch one life I suppose it is all worth it, even if that life is just mine.. maybe I am a fisherman throwing out my line into the ether… for another her… a companion or just friendship… I’m not so sure about anything anymore, the more mistakes you make in life the less you trust yourself, but you are better at hiding it… so much better…
now… I don’t claim to be some svengali or genius… but getting out into nature seems like a pretty natural thing. Interesting read but I think it misses the main point… getting away from the grind of the common everyday gears we are party to in our “normal” lives (those of us who are not independently wealthy or write as a hobby not work). My zen is totally getting off the grid (OK.. not that far, I’m not a savage ya’ know) but at least far enough to feel like you are somewhere else (at least until a plane flies over). The routine of work can be just that… a routine which leads to boredom/samedom/dumbdom/doldrums… even as busy as my job is, sometimes it feels all the same, and honestly going to work in a cubicle in a converted warehouse probably is not the ideal human situation (but hey, I need to pay the bills and buy truly dumb stuff). So I guess it is a question of balance. I’m not saying I have mastered it.. damn far from it… the blog helps, it is an outlet but… I can do better to be the real me I think (well, I know, but the effort seems counter intuitive at times… but then time passes and you realize you’re just being an ass worrying about stuff that doesn’t matter)… I am human, I can’t say I wish I was something else, I just wish wisdom came in bite size and I could have consumed more along the way…
So… I thought about not posting any music as I was having trouble coming up with some linking idea, but as usual the me pulled through: “Nature’s Girl” – The Jelly Jam, Ty Tabor is the reason I ever picked up a guitar in the first place.
I think about life… and death. I have no memory of any life before mine so am I destined to be just a grain of sand… who disperses into the nothingness of the vast ocean of the universe ?
life began as a proton having a menage a trois with some electrons leading to a single cell organism living happily in a puddle of chemical muck of amino acid building blocks… and then that single thing decides to replicate (as we all want to do but amoebas did not believe in birth control apparently)… eventually pull itself from the slime (some millions of years later) and climb onto the land … and suddenly has the choice of a galaxy or an iphone.. truly evolution.
for this poem I am invoking a bunch of science… I am saying we could be ‘flat’ not referring to Flat earth belief… but that we think in 3D when there are other dimensions out there.. so we would appear flat to something in a 4D universe (I am also referencing string theory), I know, heady stuff… but I if we just live and die.. what is the point ? I want to believe there is more… we all do.. some have religion.. some have science… I have nothing… I am still looking, hoping, searching…
Why does this commercial freak me out so much! (click here, it is not porn or anything… just a creepy product placement imo). I just find it strange… that’s all.
I was stuck at the same store for work pretty much all week. Not to complain (it was cool to be out of the office honestly). Red Bank NJ is a really nice town so that was a bonus. But working on computers in supermarkets does afford me the opportunity to people watch in the live zoo environment. I have been doing that but in a different way. I try to figure out what went into that person, literally meaning, all the circumstances of life and time that lead directly to the person standing there (the ingredients for that particular cake)… it is daunting to think about but… also fascinating, and then juxtapose that with me just being in my little corner of the earth and this concentration of events and experience that makes individuals goes on like a grand machine billions of times of day across this world which is so incredibly tiny against the backdrop of the cosmos… Hard to wrap your head around, but I try (or maybe that is the way my cookie head crumbles). Then I wondered what these people see… when they see me.. the posture, the body language (do I have a big dumb forehead? do they check out my butt?). Do we ever really look at ourselves the way other people do ? Can we ? I suppose social media helps that if you are honestly yourself in videos… but do people act the same (totally) when a camera is on ? (There is the scientific theory that something changes when it is under observation) I wonder if future generations will just have cameras all the time and just be… because that is all they will know (Truman Show?). These are the things that bounce around my mind. The following should have been part of my live poetry jam I did a couple weeks ago but I totally forgot I wrote it.. I am human after all (my co workers may have issues with that statement).
I couldn’t imagine posting this under some cool topic where I could blather on and on about this that and the other thing… but I liked it so… here it is. I do not feel like explaining the first couple of lines in an American context right now.
Semi-haiku I suppose (well, it feels like one to me). I personally don’t like to be bound to form but it is like anything else in life (you want to wear a comfortable pair of pants that suits you when possible). Haiku is like watercolor to oil or acrylics in the painting world. Or maybe I am too lazy to count syllables and I am certainly not Japanese…
So science (at this time.. because real science changes all the time) tells us by observation that space is actually pretty empty (that’s why the little voyager probes will probably outlive our civilization… 70s tech will last a billion years! oh the power of hot stuff!). Of course there is the new grease in between the creases thing (see what I mean about science evolving). So there is immense space in between things but we feel so … connected in our tiny tiny corner of one galaxy in the vast immense insanely large universe… hard to wrap a primitive mind around… so that is what I was thinking about… the space within our space and how we fill our space within that space. Heady stuff… but… we only have one life, why not contemplate it all, even if it is much easier to just eat work sleep… I am no different, I’m trying to be, to focus on being a phoenix because I know I am, we all are (well, honestly not every one, I am talking to you, those reading this who have that spark), we choose normal (even our normal) because it takes constant effort to be the pinnacle… but we do owe it to ourselves, even though we will fail… but at least we can get some stuff done… my opinion.
music. super chill ambient. Seti “Pharos”, of course SETI is the project to try and detect alien life using the world’s best radio telescopes (like the amazing Arecibo array). This album is a total trip through the cosmos, you can almost imagine the stars as you travel past them (well, at least I can). draw the shades or curtains, lay back, turn up the bass a little and imagine flying through space passing stars, asteroids and planets… and contemplate what Frank Drake was trying to quantify… definitely some super food for thought. I appreciate all comments and feedback.. and criticism.. man I love complaints because how the hell am I supposed to see this through your eyes? hint: I can’t!
Shades of My Garden 