I woke up drowning
caught in the undertow
so normal now the flow
and I am lost to the surface
to the sun
I wonder under without struggle
further, further down from the sun
surrounded by depths
a siren of fathoms
the light stretched hand
spires in flight
can not even guide
these hands, lost hands
no grip, no will, slides down a hole
why was I asleep at all
I would rather never have known

notes… I have said it before, but it bears repeating, I had some serious asthma attack when I was in my teens, I am talking turning blue and barely making it, being pumped full of adrenaline so hard that I walked around my house for 96 hours straight without sleep, no complaint, that is barely hardship compared to some but damn it made an impression, breath, we take it for granted, even me, but I have been on the other side of it, and I expect it to kill me honestly, I think we all romanticize our own death, slipping away in our sleep while whispering to our loved ones, it is rarely like that, I waver now and again, sometimes I want to be the wolf in the face of it, knowing what is happening and fighting to the end, I used to want to die in my sleep and not know… but reality is… I will have no choice how it goes.