waiting for the call… [::}–{::}…

waiting for the call… [::}–{::}…

Photo by Negative Space on Pexels.com

I now have become one of those stories, you don’t expect it, maybe you do, I did not after all these months, but things happen, life really does just happen sometimes, suddenly, you know this, you prepare for this, but steering a ship in the middle of a sudden tempest is the only way you understand this experience fully, a knot, a grinding stone in my bowels, waiting for the call, all life ends, but when you make that decision, I can not fully explain the feeling yet… I have often said, and it is very true, my life has been relatively free of tragedy and death, there is no rhyme or reason for this, no cruel hand, no benevolent marker, just the luck of the draw, incredible luck, as billions of years of the universe have led to this moment, or moments, sitting here, sitting still but still pacing, having a glass of bourbon to calm my nerves, heart still racing still, a not so routine hospital visit a few weeks ago that might have worked out fine, upended by the virus which has diverted the cart from the road to wellness, I have been anticipating my parent’s generation to start falling for some time, and some have here and there, and now my personal story becomes part of the fabric of this pandemic, I was never blasé about the virus, I always looked @ the numbers with logic, the vast majority of those infected survive but the vulnerable populations are just that, vulnerable, and even here as we embark on the gateway of a vaccine – it seems that much more cruel, but a virus has no eyes or a heart, I am lucky that I was able to make a last visit and let my father ‘face time good bye’ many close relatives, so, I know, many people did not have that chance, I am thankful for that, and now, I try to astral project myself into the hospital room now, as I sit here not sleeping, in my mind, I am sitting next to him, holding his hand and letting him know I am there, “dad, I’m here”, I see this so clearly, all the details of the room and the warmth of his hand, somehow hoping the universe will carry my message to his mind’s ear – somehow, is this prayer? I suppose, in my own way, so, now, we wait, for the inevitable full end, the one we signed off for just hours ago, waiting for the call, waiting for the call, late into this night, isolated from all those we love, leaving a loved one isolated to leave this world alone, waiting for the call.

I do not write this for your sympathy (I appreciate your decency, thank you, I do but that is not the purpose of this piece), more for those who may be or have experienced the same. This has been a trying day, making decisions and the speed they are implemented is dizzying, more life altering scenes happened in a smattering of mere hours than I can even digest now, so I had to write it out, at least what I can handle @ this hour. I would like to send a personal thanks to the staff @ JFK Hospital in Edison NJ.

The reality of life (hits)

The reality of life (hits)

selective focus photo of gray metal folding walker
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

Generally speaking I am a very easy going fellow, an optimist, a lover of life, and frankly I have had a pretty easy life compared to many (and I do need to remind myself of that more often perhaps), but sometimes, life, puts you in situations you KNOW about but don’t want to dwell on or even think about the reality of same… Today, was one of those days.  I am keeping the details slightly vague but specific enough so you get the gist of it.  I received a call about a certain relative that could not get out of bed (they are getting up there in age), I was on my way to work but of course as dedicated as I am to my job (admittedly probably too much) a family flush does beat a straight job in the poker game of life, well I essentially had to carry them from their bed into the bathroom, and to be blunt their bladder was not listening to their mind (you can fill in the rest, it was not pretty. I can only imagine the embarrassment on their part when you live your whole life and now need help for the basic things), oddly, none of this hit me at the exact time, I think I went into “nurse” mode and just did things instinctively, later on the whole scene had a much greater impact on me and is sort of stirring around in my head (not in a particularly good way), I am trying to process this into the positive realm because I really believe in that…  So what’s my point in all this ?  To cull your sympathy ?   To share what maybe others are going through and not talking about ?  Maybe…  but I think if I boil everything down it comes to love.  Tell those you love that you love them, time is limited, be thankful for life every moment you can, sure, you will fail, I sure as hell do, but I work to make that my goal and walk in that direction (sometimes distracted, sometimes focused), put love out there, sounds almost pollyanna-ish but what’s the alternative ? the older I get the more things seem to come down to the simple things we all inherently know but may not always practice moment to moment, and maybe that is a lesson to… practice… it won’t make perfect but practicing the good will at least focus some positive energy in that direction.

I didn’t think I would write anything today, I am quite mentally exhausted because besides what went on this morning work has been absolutely brutal this week… but more brutal than confronting the aging and dying of loved ones and what that looks like ? nah…


Blessing 10.4.2018

divine sunrise
thankful for this life
greeting dawn
at first light
the privilege mine
to awake
with these eyes
and see.
thankful for this life


notes… if you read all this, thank you, stories, comments and vignettes are always appreciated.