thoughts from the porch… (scattershot)

thoughts from the porch… (scattershot)

analysis blackboard board bubble
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I suppose there are those that might call this a daily meditation, and that’s fine, to me it is more of just unscrambling my mind for a time, opening up as best I can to the world, to listen for the voice, a sound, a thought, whatever the universe deems on dropping off at my front porch…
watching the clouds lazily cruise by, much like those lazy river rides that surround and about in waterparks, there is something about just letting yourself drift with no care about destination, time, purpose, just the being of nothing, hand dangling in the water, spinning slowly in the sun, that is what these clouds remind me of tonight, and maybe that’s the point, there doesn’t always have to be some profound reason to be, sometimes, just be…
I suppose this is my cathedral of sorts, the trees across the landscape like spires climbing into the night, upwards higher than I could ever reach but tethered to the ground, quite like myself, everything is bound to this ground in some way, the clouds, the birds, we are all cradled by an invisible umbilical created around this humble earth, a protective layer encases us in the most inprobable of manners, and for us, is just a matter of fact, when even reminders are right there, an almost full moon spies down on the scene, and surely does not look like the actuality of it’s domain, cold, breathless, battered and barren, from here just a cheerful companion reflecting the light of the sun in various phases, so close, so close to us in cosmic terms but so far outside the miracle of our atmosphere that allows us to look up and wonder…
I think there is a tangible perception, unconscious, about walls, I think our mind somehow knows and can perceive walls, think of a cold day when you finally get inside and shut the door, it is almost as if the cold is gone in an instant, and conversely I think our minds know when walls have been keeping us in, cabin fever, or whatever you might like to call it, even if you are perfectly content I think we are meant to be outside, at least part of the time, after days of dreary weather the prospect of just the simple kiss of fresh air on my brow is intoxicating, no walls, I actually find myself able to expand my mind out, open up the floor plan as it were, as I look again and watch the clouds draw my breath and slow attentions.

notes… usually my train of thought stays on the lines, tonight, not so much, but that’s fine, I am not defined, I have no idea what I am, I just am, this site let’s me be that more so than I can be in person, in every day life, I would love to say I am this internal sprite all the time, no, more or less, or less, I am trying to marry the two, we all have to dance, we know what we do well, we know what works, and we work it like a performance at times, to be yourself completely, yes, that is the goal, I am swimming toward that buoy, I hope not to drown before I get there.

thoughts from the porch… (lions on lawns)

thoughts from the porch… (lions on lawns)

silhouette of dandelion behind sun
Photo by Negative Space on Pexels.com

my index finger and thumb stained with the yellow of slain dandelion heads, how visceral my hatred is for these little beasts, I can not say the origin or recall, I’ve just known these are the bane of all lawns since the dawn of the great suburbia, invaders, interlopers, never to question that they must be rooted out like cancer cells that threaten the purity of the host, staring down at my yellow fingers I realize all this silliness and history stored within me, items we have just taken, absorbed, whole and then compartmentalized for a lifetime, how foolish, but how human, how me.
instead, these lions should be seen as more, they are heralds, bright harbingers of the spring, even with edible leaves, and then there is the transformation, from a golden disc that sings then sleeps, then without even the cocoon of a butterfly, up rises the perfect disco ball of cotton spires, delicate sphere loaded with airships to transport the future to all corners the imagination or wind or beast can reach, a lottery which odds are obviously good, a simple engine of design, probably will outlast all our technology, the simple dandelion, to be admired, truly.

notes… listen up and listen good, I was there in that audience in 1994 about 20 rows back left of the stage, listen all the way through, you’ll thank me…  just listen… this footage was cut from the official release… but trust me, in person it was electric… and when they did Manic Depression, they brought the house down…

thoughts from the porch… (rain revelation)

thoughts from the porch… (rain revelation)

close up of silhouette against blue sky
Photo by Lum3n.com on Pexels.com

there is something about that first drop of true spring rain landing upon your bottom lip, strangely, the top lip impact is just not the same, kind of a drop hanging off a rooftop edge, or sliding off an umbrella’s side like a slug, there is something mystical about that one first kiss on the lower lip drop serenaded by the conversations of the spring birds that abound, such an up-swell of renewal that even ponce would be jealous of, this is not even proper rain, more like a hard drizzle, and then the inevitable patter of cloud siblings as they hit your outer wear, that distinct acoustic sound, a singular drum tone you know so well, no tune you can recall but a beat and rhythm you know so, so well, and then to the eyes, you can see the physical drops racing by, more like bolts and lines than drops really, the word ‘drop’ has such a specific look to the conjuration, rarely do you see actual drops of rain if you care to think about it, I desperately want this to be a pure baptism of spring, wash away the winter and all the dire darkness shrouding the world in the now, the subtle reminder, the tap on the shoulder, the realization, this is April, a gateway, there is a corridor and an ending lest we lose view of it at times, there is a spring, be it a metaphor or a tangible fruit to bear and then pick for sustinence forward, be sure, spring is there, pushing ever up against the dam of this damn winter, gathering such weight behind the barrier until winter can only relent and burst, this is the way of things, regardless of our cares, cars, cities, quibbles, arguments, tv shows, sports teams, skyscrapers, all of it, just window dressing against the never ending machine of this small earth confined to the laws of the expanding universe, size and scope is all perspective, and sometimes the little details need to realign your vision or perception, to bring you back to actual reality, the way of the world and as it will be, when the winter is undone as it always will be.

notes… inspiration is a tease, a master, a slave, all these, I am trying my best to bend to the wind in those sails and write everything as it is… to me, that is, if you expect someone else, well, that’s silly, I am just trying to be the me, feeling better these days amongst the forest of deadly disease that has surrounded my whole existence, today was not my day to go, hopefully not soon either, but you never know, I am trying to encapsulate my thoughts here… on this little blog, and I would be remiss, without thanks, to whatever god there is or not, but I would lean towards “is” because why do all this if there is nothing, there could be nothing, yes, there could be, but there could be more, so I would rather plant my flag in that land without colors on that flag, just the flag that says I am here, I was here, I am…

thoughts from the porch… (transport yourself)

thoughts from the porch… (transport yourself)

silhouette of person walking
Photo by Subham Dash on Pexels.com

lose your mind in the last wash of sunshine, this is certainly not a warm night, according to the local weather acolyte a storm is approaching, that certainly explains the wind, sometimes wind has a sinister character, sometimes not, this would be the former, I can not adequately explain in reason that I feel no malice in this wind, maybe I can not tell by the expressions through the trees, for there are certainly gusts and gales, and roars tails spiriting through me and all around, this just feels like wind doing what it was meant to do regardless of my observation or being here, nature’s clock hands ticking, rattling bamboo stalks against the house, rousing the evergreens like fluffing an old comfy couch, there, watching the last bits of amber drain fade into purples dark, branches are still like charcoal sketches now, shadow sticks, mostly hiding nothing, just red hanging buds shaking on the ends like abandoned naked christmas trees, various birds crisscross and pay me no mind, they have their lives as I have mine, a little one lands about twelve fifteen o’clock out front, displayed in the last waves of the day, a framed silhouette in amber, riding the branch as it slides up and down in the wind, such a little compact thing, not bothered at all by the gathering breeze…

dusk evening flowers nature
Photo by Snapwire on Pexels.com

I try to project myself onto that line, calmly, calmly bobbing up and down in tidal drafts, none of these human concerns bound, for there is value to become lost in a destination,  now and again, to separate yourself from the every-thing, the whole-thing, the no-thing, I’ll never truly understand what it is to be that little bird perched on that tree, but perhaps, in some simple cosmic way, we were both admiring the very same things…

notes… part of my porch series, all thoughts, comments and your time in stopping by are all immensely appreciated…

a poem of circumstance…

a poem of circumstance…

sparrow perched on bench
Photo by Vladyslav Dukhin on Pexels.com

hope not for omens
preparing dinner
a thud, a dull glass thud
I have heard this before
but why today
since many long I can not even say
since I heard that sound
so distinct
a missile, a blind kamikaze mistake
and there she is
delicate little bird
curled up on the planks
outside my kitchen window
lying lifeless, I know this
this was an ending note
with hope I throw on my coat anyway
slip on my outside slippers
and gently cradle the little
hoping for a twitch
wishing a miracle
but no, a head tossed to and fro
in the tide of past life now
so little bird
I lay you down
may you rest
upon this ground

notes… just sometimes things happen, and you are no longer an observer but the recounter of a story, of a life, and so it was…

Post from the virus-sphere: Sign of the Times…

Post from the virus-sphere: Sign of the Times…

(just a note I will try to split my non corona related posts with my more pure literary ones in case you want to skip either…I get it… the photos are what supermarkets are like now, plexi-glass, staying apart, counting customers in/out)

This may be coming to a town near you.  Being in north New Jersey I am near the all the epi-centers as I have listed previously.  Since not feeling right since last Tuesday (damn it feels like months ago) I have been mainly huddling in place like a cave troll… which I may have been accused of being in the past incidentally. I try to focus on the positive of course but I am glad I made the decision to turn off the news  (pick your flavor of network) last week. I am not learning anything new. Basically as I tell people I check in at halftime for the score and also check in later in the game just to see where things are at, no more, no less, no politics, no opinions, nothing matters beyond taking care of those around you and those you can help out.  I can’t say it isn’t terrifying knowing that unless you are super ill that there is no reason to go to your doctor (or worse circumstances).  I certainly would have as I am super paranoid about my lungs but I have to just place my fate in the hands of the universe (and lots of vitamins, rest, and sanitation of course… and some prayer). I also fear for my elderly folks and do what I can for them but in a strange sense of luck my mom has a visiting aide that helps her and my pops out because my mom is still recovering from hip replacement (literally sprang from rehab in the hospital days before this all went crazy). I can not imagine the guilt of anyone who might infect those they love, it is doubly terrifying in that regard. Is it realistic to try and put it out of your mind? Perhaps but worrying every second and giving in completely to fear does not accomplish anything either. (and I say that knowing my sleep has definitely been affected by anxiety the past few nights especially).  At least the sun came out today a bit, three days of grey skies and rain certainly dampers the mood. This really feels like one moment, one hour, one day at a time, hoping for the end of that tunnel, the turn of spring, the explosion of green around the corner, so clearly I used to see it before, and with a little divine help shall see it again…