I turn, in a flash
I see things that do not exist
memories and flashbacks
of this
from when you were alive
as if standing right there
by my side
can not feel more real
as these thoughts are mine
not tangible with hands
or reason stretched
inside it curls and throes
the emptiness your absence exposed
music to groove by >>> Lusine – Turn Back
this piece was originally written december of last year… edited with inspiration tonight…
“Shower in the AM”
memory trigger
every day
I engage in this morning ritual
today, flashed to the past
-a quite unexpected break, from the norm
hot waterfalls flowing down
the curved contours of your back
and my hands float
soap foam
follows and accents
down,
your palms upon on my chest
jet hair black back
our eyes lock sensual glare
our bodies locked bare
knowing someone else’s body
as close as yours
in this downpour
I remember our apartment
room for two
and a zoo, the time we were together, in love
a simple shower
a tiny detail of that life
I had forgotten, tried to forget
how could I have forgotten
the reminder
back to the present.
you are not here –
I dry off, and go to work.
notes… this is a very personal one, I wrote it back in may, completed it (as it were) today, sort of just a revision, I don’t know if I will ever shake her, probably not honestly, I hope for her sake she has forgotten me, I don’t wish anyone to be mired in this, sometimes I feel it like an anchor but tell myself I have not drowned so it can not be… it can not be… for I am here, I am trying to love her and yet allow for love to replace what is gone by my own hand, so there is guilt there, and truth, and love… I wish I had the strength to just cut through it all like I know I have to… but I don’t, I am searching, and I am optimistic, I am always optimistic…
musical choice for the evening…
I dare you to find a finer vocalist… jasmine is friggin ridiculous. This tune was the theme song for perhaps one of the best anime series ever made – LAIN, it is like the matrix on crack, watch it, it is heady and smart.. and the soundtrack? well… astounding…
and .. thanks for all the likes, comments, quiche recipes and whatnot… I am enjoying interacting with you all, thanks (I bowed).
“fertile”
with free will
to burrow in your harvest
our limbs entwined
as I enter your forest
to fertilize within
for the land shall bloom
and from that union
gift forth that womb
will emerge,
a child
hope, is renewed.
notes… sometimes I have to admit I just don’t know where the inspiration comes from (or words), which makes me ponder the nature of the universe, I mean we are this incalculable chance of billions to the billions chance of being right now, right here, right at this moment (you reading this!), it is mind boggling, that in all the universe language was created and I am here to have it germinate in my mind, and share, as art, as life… it is utterly mind numbing, humbling, wondersome (my word!), and just… an affirmation of life as we have it right now, in our hands, hearts and minds…
musical choice of the evening… “Power of Love” – King’s X, because the greatest of these is love… I am a child of the 80’s so excuse my proclivities… or don’t, I’ll still be here…
and as always I would be remiss to not say thanks for the read, the likes, the eyeballs, the seafood lasagna recipes, and everything else, I am glad to enlighten at least anyone past my door, thanks.
(music for this post.. just trust me already would ya…)
another long standard (read: stressful) day @ the office, I wanted to sit out on the old porch tonight and muse to transport my mind off-world or on-world just somewhere else, the weather, on the other back hand slap, had other ideas, and decided to mess heavily with my commute with continuous walls of rain, so I was burned out by the time I arrived @ home night, much later than hoped, and drained, so I decided what the hell… remember the scene from Shawshank where Andy crawls out from the tunnel? yeah, something like that, I happen to love thunderstorms, the pageantry, the power, the light-show, so… I stepped outside, barefoot as I am known to do these days, and frolicked in the rain like a silly spun child, pouring rain that began to pour more so as I go, so what if I get soaked to the bone, what does it matter, why did I ever care about rain on my shoulders, or hair, or else, I found myself splashing about the puddles on my driveway, still quite warm from a 90 degree blazing sun day, and on the lawn, much cooler, grass reaching up and flooding the gaps in my toes, somehow being barefoot and about outside in the world is a taste of free range, I have been doing it quite often as of late, just not in a torrent of near blinding rain, I twirled around a bit under the street light like a top, hands out, palms up, forgot about any dirt or grit that might be about, pacing slowly pacing on my lawn, flexing my toes like talons to pick up all the sensations, so this is Barry? I thought to myself, how do you do sir, heard a good deal about you, long way to travel just to see New Jersey from the Gulf, but he won’t be in town but for the night, so I say adieu and goodnight, soaked to the skin, I feel refreshed, renewed, relaxed, a localized baptism, experience, why did I ever run from the rain in the past? and why did it take me so long to reconnect to such simple pleasures, kicking around in a puddle without a care of consequence, letting go of all my adult trappings, washed down to the curb, next time I think, however, I should throw on a bathing suit… my knickers are sticking…
(this post is part of my porch project… perhaps you have heard of it…)
Flash update (2AM), just walked the dog, Barry is just clouds now, the sidewalk is still cold, the driveway is still warm (oddly), and the lawn…. damn I just paced back and forth 50 times… it does not get old…. the spinning in the non rain though… eh, not as cool…
sometimes I think of slogans, or slug lines, or t-shirt sayings, sometimes they are poems or something else… these both came to me tonight in my car driving home, stuck in traffic on the GSP, a theme for me, sometimes traffic gets me down, sometimes I am inspired, tonight, I must admit I was listening to the new Tycho album and just digging it, it transported me, away from all the base garbage of the sitting in traffic experience, even the fumes in the rest area did not confound me, maybe it will kill me in the long run, but right now? I feel pretty good. I do not have the love of a partner but I do have life, so at least I have possibility still… and that is enough (sometimes)…
(1)
beacon
may I cast light out
into the world
unto you
and be a beacon
in dark times
may I remember
and be reminded
of the light within
and be a beacon
of truth
and
of love
(2)
inspire,
be that light
to guide others
forward
into their own
clouds laid out
like a flight of stairs
up the sky
onto the moon
my dreamer’s heart rise
to fly
above destiny’s bounds
to part this mortal ground
my eyes do not gaze
into the cold death of space
no stars dwell in the twilight now
the sensation of ascension
enamors my imagination
to that known twin, ancient friend
in this time of bright
when dimmed, the promise of return
might I ascend
notes: I looked up @ the sky and the clouds looked like a staircase…. and I thought… do I have the hops ? (I don’t know why this video made me laugh so much…)
Sometimes feelings sweep over me, I can not explain, it is like revelation burst, just something changes, a realization, this is not always a pleasant experience, today, I stepped out into the sun soaked summer day, for the utterly mundane task of putting out the garbage, the sun felt great on my back, my bare feet warmed on the driveway, I avoided stepping on sharp pebbles, all seemed OK, but I then just felt a wave, who the hell am I? how the hell did I get here right now? surely this is not the be-end of my dreams of years ago, am I even recognizable from that? externally? in my mind I am the same person all this time, I think, but how did I get here, I feel lost, I feel out of place, I feel I have no place, logically I know I am living a life far greater than many in this world, I know this intellectually but can not get it to sing in my bones, like I think it should, how did I get here? I feel like foreigner in my own land, walking the garbage bin out to the curb I feel out of place in a place I have known so well and so long, as if I was sitting on a train, speeding past my life, a decade spent, gone, a decade gone, spent, just riding along watching the landscapes blur by, nothing of consequence happens, just time passes, and here I am, off the train, at this stop, barely recognizing the universal familiar, I feel lost, adrift, knowing who I am but not how I fit, how did I get here?
change is a fickle thing, I have made progress this year from here to there, I’m just not back yet, I can not say I have lived in the lands of despair but I surely indulged in the rituals of same, denial of the self, finding it easier to retreat into a shell, to autopilot, to become a passenger to my own life, in all I must remember that the way up and out is not a straight line, it never will, but sometimes I am reminded how far I have not gone, the failures, the lure and comfort of normalcy, of conformity, of base expectation when I am capable of much more, but only the internal knows the true potential, it is draining, at times the energy is not there, I must retain to summon the cost, for it is worth every moment here on this earth, I struggle to find the strength, on this night, at least, I must find the missing ingredient.
(music, sort of gothic depressing, with violins… just my mood today)
I wrote this out on the porch tonight, not as cheery as some of the other posts, but it was just not in me tonight, I will not pretend or cover things up, this blog is who I am, mostly bright and optimistic but my mind does wander and wonder as there are horrors in this world, and the ultimate horror of our demise, my mind gnaws on things, it is my design, so I am consumed with trying to figure things out, no matter how futile… at times it will dull my blade, maybe even break it… but I will not quit until it quite literally kills me…
Thanks to any and all of you “ones” that read this, comment, think about it etc. I consider you all Ones… individuals, so cheers to you, and thanks again…
Just a quick look @ the Narrows Botanical Gardens in Bay Ridge Brooklyn on an absolutely wonderful evening… a hidden gem to hide yourself in the middle of the bustle, or have a picnic in shade, good place for a date (put away the phones…)…
FYI: I do NOT claim to be a good photographer, these are all with my phone, I have a nice SLR but I do not carry it around with me in my work car for obvious reasons… so when I find a place it is usually a spontaneous thing. Thanks for the looks and the likes, I am happy to answer any questions if anyone has any.
“I remember when grandpa would take us to the pier that stuck way out in the water, he seemed to know everyone with a smile, there was always our spot waiting, he said he owned the spot, he taught us all about fishing and mostly that you don’t catch fish, but he always had a smile in his salt beard, and loved telling us stories about his time in the navy and all about the ocean, we didn’t mind hearing the same stories, we always got a nutty buddy or push pop or if we were really lucky a bomb pop! from the ice cream truck all the way over there, mom would always be mad because we got sunburn or forgot something on the pier, but with grandpa the world was like our carousel.”
(fictional, made up in my head when I saw the scene laid out before me, photos from the 69th street pier in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn, Friday night, I was there again today… amazing place tucked in almost hidden right off a major highway and Brooklyn… seriously insane views of Manhattan which I will be posting soon)
they
see – saw
she – saw
their – love
balanced
each – other
notes: visual and minimal was my goal, you decide if I met the mark, just one of those little poems that came to me for no reason I can ascertain… and I will leave you with that, I have some cool stuff to post this weekend, I went out of my way today to find some local beauty (find beauty wherever it may be is one of my guiding functions these days), I have some cool photos to post from a little excursion I made, oddly no words came to me, I wrote nothing although I brought my journal and got some looks…. “why is this business dressed guy holding a leather bound book/journal thing, smiling and walking out on the pier in the middle of this heat??” – yeah, I imagine I illicit that mental conversation… I stick out, but I try really to not care anymore and just do my thing… I am getting there… one day I will shake hands with myself and sigh “finally…”
Shades of My Garden 