do you remember?
the other day?
yesterday? (it seems)
a decade ago? (in reality)
a lifetime ago-
how it all seems,
my love, still- still–, always-, my love, I love you, even more, now.

notes… I had a very lucid dream about her today, we went on vacation for a week or so, and we were driving back, we were in the back seat, her legs over my lap, I was rubbing her feet, looking into her eyes, and we were both so utterly satisfied, and she said “you know this was one of the best weeks of my life” and I nodded, and she said “and you know I am still not the right one for you even with this perfect time”… it was both confirmation and devastation… I can not explain how real it felt, it felt like a real test tube distillation of our whole event… I would give it all for her, but never did when it counted back then, a dumb scared kid, I can’t forgive myself, I haunt myself, time was supposed to heal, time was supposed to release me from these bonds but goddamn it it has not… I hate myself but can not hate my nature, I would give it all for her now, even now. Does that make me dumb, loyal, a fool, or who knows.. I guess death will release me from the burden, not that I am anxious to come to that regard at all… god, I miss her, even all these years later…

One thought on “lost.love.letters.

  1. Time doesn’t heal. Whoever said that is full of shit. The most time does is make us forget, distract us from the pain, or–if we’re lucky–let us learn to deal with the pain/embrace the pain. I suggest you take yourself on a journey to realize that in another way, shape or form, she made a regretful decision that also left her just as devastated as yours left you to be right now. The universe doesn’t owe her to you, and nothing in heaven, hell, earth, the universe or whatever you believe in was written to say that you two are supposed to end up together forever. So I suggest you strap your pain on your back and learn to continue down the road of life with it riding shut gun next to you.


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