(this would be a stream of consciousness thought piece)

fear and sameness

I have admitted to, in the past, being very much a creature of habit, gladly trading in the tunic of uncertain discovery for the comforting blanket of normality, is this laziness? or just my contention in content that I like the similar, the familiar, I like to go on vacation to a known quantity, almost like a second home where I know the ins and outs, no surprises, I think perhaps some, I think perhaps not, sure, I should now how I am wired by this bend of my life, but have I just built adequate defenses fueled by the prescient architectural knowledge of my subconscious, am I the tide turtle that can only return to that one beach, in the cover of night, to procreate, and if said beach is gone so is my whole existence, where I would rather drown than find some other dawn? but it would be nice to compare evolutionary impulse to the fabled foibles of mankind I guess, a noble gesture that I am somehow not in charge of this whole neat mess, so, yes I tend to vacation in the same spots over and over if you have followed my little life story, even those places were new once but I researched them to the point of being paralyzed, these are my machinations, my demons, the little silent suckers that seem to drive me into directions from behind the scenes, but if the end result makes me happy… why proceed? microcosm, flash tonight, I had placed my keys somewhere other than I might, if ever would, I am a particular beast in that regard, things go places, the same places, so in a bind or a moment’s itch I don’t have to think as to where to grab and go, but no, not tonight, something is amiss, I missed where I placed my keys, and was ready to bolt out the door to grab whatever sushi bowl might be left @ the local store, my mind raced, my heart paced – upwards, I was home all day, where can they be, I searched the should be places multiple times, as if the key elves, in their divine wisdom, would magically deliver my keys, no, but I re-checked anyway, what the heck did I do different today? I visited all the places I had been in the house, not exactly too many locales, besides today my central AC was out, and the temp hit 90 – and I was working so I had to be @ my laptop checking out the call board, first world problems, I know… then I finally recalled, after almost getting my dizzy self into a tizzy, I shot some video about what I pack for fossil digging, being a nut for detail I even included my keys and wallet, damn authenticity… so, wound up with a salad instead of sushi, the full moon was out before the sun crossed the down, all so perfect looking, sitting out on my deck, low sweat from walking through the hot house, nipping at my sorbet, the neighbor’s new fence half made, playing badminton I think, life is not so bad, but perhaps I lean on my shelter, not just physical ones, fear of losing a precious day off or vacation time to a lousy cause or draw, I think my inclinations have hampered my destinations, emotionally and physically, because I am afraid of bad outcomes, even if the fall is not such a bad one, falling back into the arms of what I know, a quantifiable conclusion that I know satisfies my urges and concreted infusions, I have forgotten a simple thing, perhaps one of the most simple things… so I forced to ask myself ‘what have you really got to lose?’