stuck on this rock alone
with none of my likeness
notes: often said, probably by me to make myself feel ok, “you need a license to drive a car but not have a kid”… true enough, there is truth in there, but in a way it is also a shield, there are days I wonder about such things, kids, that I might never have them, I have such a hyper tense apprehension that I need to provide perfection that there is trepidation in that arena, the burden of bringing a life into being is so daunting, that I want to be prepared, maybe too much so, and then I see those that have kids almost haphazard, even in my immediate circle, and just wonder, I just have such a deep respect for life and the creation of same that I would want to be ready as possible to support that choice… and maybe that has bottled me up some, regardless of where you are, having kids is a walk on the tight rope, there is no book (sorry Dr Spock), there are no rules, or easy path… like all things rewarding I imagine it is quite hard, and should be, but I do see those who kind of just have kids without any thoughts like I am laying out… and wonder if I am wrong, because having a kid early on, all those years you can be parallels, I am not quite past the parental age, especially these days, and perhaps I must admit, maybe I have been wrong, or would be wrong, and there is also the selfish imposition to further my DNA position down the line, that is part of it right? at some level (baseline mammal) we want to survive, even at the base level of genetic code that itch exposed, so some future search will find a feather (or whatever) and see my name, great great grandpa Dave, I am an adopted child, my dearest ex came from a bad family mix… we never considered it when we were both in our early twenties… was it a mistake? she was the only woman I ever considered as the mother of my children and the subject was off topic… so strange to boil this what if, so damn strange.