man sitting and closing eyes on teal bench
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an interesting article I came upon… (article)…  I guess I am a loner hypochondriac … if there is such a thing, the article rang some bells in my dome, made me think, and maybe you, reading this… just food for thought, I am on my own journey but it is pure hubris to think I am the only one who has thought all I think or some of it at least, at some point, at some actual dna thing we are all the same… it is so big, why am I trying to figure it out.. because… well, that is how I am wired, to figure stuff out regardless of the daunting nature, maybe it is silly and stupid… and exhausting, but, this is my only life… it is all I know, how do you change… that ?

just a note (8/27), I post things like this because my brain is always on and grinding on things, I would not consider suicide (have I in the past? sure, but not an option anymore)… the only circumstance I could foresee is a debilitating disease that takes away this – me, my ability to be this silly little demon that we call David, if I had months to live and those months would be on a hideous slide where I would be losing myself to disease if only to extend my life a few weeks ?  that is the only time I would consider it, I do love life, not every second, I am trying, because as I say, the alternative sucks, I wish I could carry with me a little pill of calm, not some drug but the actual thing, you know it when you feel it, I felt it tonight driving home from the store, I had to hop on the Parkway for a couple of exits and all the shore traffic was just gnarled to the core, but I had a sly smile, it probably pissed off those around, I just dialed in some music (cellar darling, my current obsession, going to see them live in a couple of weeks!), and just popped in that pill of calm, looked at the sky, the setting sun, and I felt it… calm.  Now the trick will be to do that when the burner is on my ass, and work is in full swing, I had no where to be so I was in no rush, but what is so damn important anyway ?  maturity and calm… I am working on it.

One thought on “Loneliness.

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