in honor of my father…

in honor of my father…

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in the presence of the sons
in the presence of the brothers
a long witness, my mother
a wife for five half score and two;
all of us here, under the all-mighty eye of g-d
to return this vessel
these building blocks
into the earth herself
for today –
I buried my father.

I did not inter love, nor thoughts
nor a lifetime of memories –
for even death, can not purge those
safe, in the deepest corridors of our hearts

those standing, those left
those knowing
for a piece of him resides within you all, now
rejoice in this, take solace in this
in time you will know this to be a guiding lantern
to purge any darkness

so I wish him farewell, for now
until we will meet again
in some other place
a dimension we do not quite yet comprehend
of this I am certain
a calm of peace has settled in
within these thoughts

goodbye, my father, for I will see you again
and thank you for the gifts you left for me
the ones you taught, in imperfection
in perfect humanity
I say goodbye to you, my father
with love – your son, always- your son.

notes… this post is one of my toughest on a personal level (obviously), I thought about not posting it, but this is what hit me @ 4am this morning, I rolled out of my non sleeping bed and wrote these words, before the funeral, the nervous energy I had was overwhelming, or was it dread? I do not know, I have not lost someone so close to me, as I have said in the past I have been lucky to be so untouched by the craven hand of death, but not so, and I knew it was coming at some point… but nothing prepares you for the reality, the customs, the going through, the physical steps to the grave site, the hole, a literal hole with a casket, the dirt in a dominant pile, the cold grip of it all, as if this was a fantasy burial, the sky was mostly blue, there was a cold wind, we were in woodbridge nj but might as well have been in the middle of anywhere, vast and wind swept, I could not speak, I thought it would take forever but as over too soon, but there is nothing you can do, except release and accept helplessness, and just turn back to those you love…

pure thought after a phone call. [:}–{:]…

pure thought after a phone call. [:}–{:]…

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and I never heard his voice this way
from a mountain, yet-
weak, trembling and reaching
“I am going, I am going, david”
I conversed with normalcy in the situation
for what do you do
who is prepared for these times
even though we all come to these times
and prepare for them, we come to them

on this eve;
I will remember the quiet cold
a throbbing silence in the night
I go about routine
a lone goose in the far starry distance
I think I can actually see
the sad lonely bird across
and I hear a sad lonely honk
not sure if this is the last migrant
flowing south
across this december new jersey sky
one more time
for all the wrappings
all the human might
I am helpless
a babe, once again, I am reduced

I wanted to tell him more
to make him want to come back
to spend one more afternoon on the deck
soaking in the sun
like some ancient aztec god
as if the sun was beaming only for him
maybe it was
and I long for him
to have one more time
in that glory of the sun
with no pain, no worry
just a mere moment of simple life
one more time
just for him, as much as for me
to say good bye,
not like this, on this call
family walled off in cells
deprived of touch
I have no cause to petition the lord
I have no cause greater than any
I have nothing to barter, nothing to trade
but for love
from whom that from which I was raised
a model of imperfection
which is the beauty of humanity
for in that imperfection
we find eternity –
in love
for those – our family.

notes… regardless of the vehicle, death comes, so what then, for the living, I still smile, because the universe has taught me to be alive, so be alive – and love – the greatest of these is love…