sun burn

sun burn

I much prefer the subtle sun
rather
than the searing heat
of peak
summer-
steam,
shimmering up asphalt
from a sudden shower,
no, for me
seventy three degrees
is quite fine
enough
to warm the skin
to keep sweat within,
let me bathe
here
in this subtle sun.

lost love…

lost love…

“when will you evaporate?”
I know… the question well,
I can tell, I can’t tell you, her
but.
the thought is there
I wonder if this thought will ever go
or evaporate
for decades now, haunted
in the same regret, the memories,
a book written I memorized by default
but her?
the erased years in the rear
but not for me
visited daily
god damn I hate myself
but yet I am myself the same
god damn I hate this memory, these memories,
my mistake, our mistake,
but I love these memories
to know the where I have been
the perfection of the time, that capsule, that time
the ease of companionship in that relationship
too easy, this seems impossible now
the now, where is she, I hope for her best
and one day to return to her
when this is all over.

(first and only draft, posted as I wrote it just now)

what happens when you screw up the best thing you ever had… and have never been able to get close to that again? I suppose we blaze on… but sometimes we are wrong… she is rarely from my thoughts… I wish things were different then… and more importantly now…

in the absence of time…

in the absence of time…

when we die, we are at the end of time
we exist in time when we lived
we existed, that is not something that can be erased
so, when death occurs we are taken out of the simulation
the chess game, if you will
we remain,
history is concrete
there is no denying what has existed
so therefore we are forever
however, my worry is consciousness
that I think is tied to current/active time as we perceive it when we are “alive”
but what happens to that perception when we are out of time…

notes… as I am not a believer (no offense or shade to anyone who is, I am glad for anyone who has found their answer, truly)… for me I have not found the answer and I am both terrified and cool with it… my logic tells me there is nothing I can do but my rubik’s loving brain that never rests screams at me otherwise. If my death is the end I will have no consciousness and be totally gone but yet the universe did choose to create me… but will I retain any of that? probably not… it is a daunting thought that haunts me, in moments shakes me, in other moments I just forget, we feel like we are going to be forever, but everything has an end… I don’t want to be in eternal nothingness.
terra under firma perma

terra under firma perma

cobblestones, speak to feet
like stepping stones
in lines as streets,
perhaps- like a cousin brick,
invokes the memories-
of horses and spokes
when we first lost touch
with the ground below

just something that popped in my head… that is how it goes, sometimes it flows, sometimes I am silent, I don’t force it, if you like my stuff, just wait, I come in waves…

lost love post…

lost love post…

I wish I was right
in leaving-
but everything since
says I was wrong.


and yet- the deceiving,
the less admission
of my own part,


if I only knew
everything and as all else now
the comparison
would be easy.

I was thinking of her, Mirsa, as usual.. I hate myself for hanging on to my past, I love her to this day but wronged her in so many ways… I am flawed… I use actions to prove love, not words, and that is sometimes the wrong path with many people… but goddamn, I am me, I am who I am… but damn I had the most beautiful woman in the world in love with me and fucked it up, yes, there is women who are into me since, but… I dunno… nothing makes the same sense… and nothing is the same, she changed me which is what makes my heart break.

flow of

flow of

time in palm
is gone-
before even
the sensation-
renders on

We are truly in an impossible situation but with no choice but to ride the river. We can fight, we can crumble, we can succumb, we can do anything but… none of it matters in the simple face of time, the game we chose not to play but are inserted regardless… I often wonder if that is what life is after “death”… we just exist outside the flow of time, my best analogy is on a river bank as we watch the world go by, the flow, like a reality TV show and here we site for all non time, our little rapids run a snapshot unable to interact back as the dimension we were in has surely moved on, without even the courtesy of a bus stop, or a heartbeat, we are thrown off that bull with no clowns to surround, and then we stay, once existed we can not be just… erased, that existence stays in the record outside time, even if our very fibers are ripped apart to make another tribe… such is the vicious and just tribunal of time…
the scrawny one

the scrawny one

as of late I have been observing a skulk of juvenile foxes near my house, sitting out, putting some goodies (berries and nuts) out on this big hunk of rock that sits on my lawn (removed when the foundation of the house had to be built), there were three of them, at once they all seemed identical but as the days (or nights) have worn on they have certainly grown at different rates, and now it seems, after abundant encounters observing them, I am down to one, when night after night I could make a simple call they would come out of the woodwork to check out my offerings, a short span, maybe just a few odd weeks, but time is such a devil, such a tease, things like these seem like they will stretch out forever, but never do, so now, last night, after many a night of not seeing any of my local crew, just one appeared after I waited a bit, from a direction I was not expecting, the last remnant I suppose, the most tiny and scrawny of the bunch, a cautious gate, as if walking not to break tissue paper, each paw light as a feather following the other, foxes have a subtle dance like they are ashamed but of course that is just my human projection on many years of evolution, but just the same, I can only report what my eyes record, the scrawny one grabs up a blackberry and I can hear the merry chomping along, perhaps it has only been a few days long since I saw one, or the three, but pause always feels like an eternity compared to these moments of realized reality, a simple lesson really, about patience, and perspective, and the nature of things, and well, the nature of nature, so I wonder how long this might last, this new resident and this old one, well I suppose then I can only wait until the next setting sun, and see if my friend once more comes, and if so, be grateful for that.

the mind and form

the mind and form

the mind is the overlord
even in darkened places
comfort bears witness
to come to the immediate minute
to approach the impending hour
to reach the next day
seemingly a cocoon of protection
as eyes subscribe slowly dim
(and even to pale darkness)
grim hopes then baked
into the crumbs of sustenance
and such-
the opposite of an opulent feast
full taught belly wages-
so this too is reality.

bit none the outside does tame
the lash and laments
that! time marches forth
with no repent – of the mind that bends
reality, for wall the lens
and all the show, the circus hence-
but yes, like bricks in a barrel
can tip a barrow
so too is the shadow
a break, a crack
just like that, an infection
may creep in
or more insidious – a cancer
to burrow and fester
for the later-

for as a single entity
and to protect the identity and form
survival of the fittest
in our animal sense
may be the invitation of death
so I might request
the best defense from ourselves
is the eyes and observation of our pack.

a litany of the fox

a litany of the fox

a new cause on the wind, an ecosystem bends and changes, the housing all seems the same, the seasonal tides remain if slightly altered here and there, a long winter, a short one, some determined by the shadows of furry little ones, an indian summer, a harvest moon, a tempest, a teapot, a near monsoon, but this year a few new visitors have met, or emerged, never seeing more than one around these parts, now there is a skulk, the official word for a pack of foxes, albeit juveniles riling up the lines of dusk and dawn, little darts and clowns, bursting with curiosity and the retreat of supreme carefulness, but nothing might seem to trump the urge of both hunger and said curiosity, which may have killed a cat or two, but these three are not that, cats, that is, even if their manner at time might suggest so, but not surely dogs either with their easy come and go, so I lure them to a certain spot, out there on my sitting rock, so I can observe and perhaps indulge in their youthful exuberance and perhaps steal a bit for my own, waiting for time seems like hours when only ten odd minutes pass, makes me jealous of the Attenborough’s of the world, and appreciative of the chance, for when that moment comes, you want to jump and cheer out of your chair, but you must maintain your steely resolve, take a breath, and take the moment in, for as long as the minutes waiting seem, the waiting happenings flash, but take heart, those seemingly wasted moments fill up like a reservoir to be had and shared, seeing the cycle of life, like a movie spent bare, upon a rock, in my yard, laid out with apple slices to the delight of a few kits, in spring, the warm air, all is magic now, with glowing eyes in the light of my camera, everything new, everything grand, not one winter between them just a run of the land they claim their own amongst us going about our important lives.