a moment, from the porch…

a moment, from the porch…

clear close up dewdrops drop of water
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

just enough humidity to break a sweat, and just enough of a breeze to cool down, two days… two days of nearly 80 degrees, I feel like my hand got slammed inside the cookie jar, waiting for each cloud above to explode and rain on my socially distant non parade, but no silver linings tarnished, I can report, at least not yet anyway, there are many folks walking around the neighborhood, some with masks, some not, a lone gentleman, well – I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, he was wearing a full outfit including surgical gloves, honestly, walking alone outside there is not really a need for that, well, to each his own, and update, in actuality he wasn’t a gentleman either, not a nod, nor a look, not even the ole hand throw, not any gesture whatsoever to acknowledge your fellow traveler in this life, nope, nothing that could even be remotely misconstrued as a ‘hello’, be PPE’d to the max man but at least be cordial, ya’ know? most passer bys at least offer a cautious verbal or mouthed a  greeting, the real adventurous throw a hook in the water with a “how ya’ doin?”, daring a conversation, oh the bravery, oh the humanity, two houses down they have their own setup, they block the apron to their driveway with their two SUVs, and let their kids play all day in the space between the garage and the auto blockade, their own little sandbox carved out like a country in all this covid driven madness, all the while mom does ‘laps’ of the perimeter, for exercise or guard duty, I’ll throw my hat in with a little of both, honestly that would bore me to tears, but probably beats doing laps of TV networks or websites trying to find something new, familiar, or vaguely OK to pass the time, they are Korean, not that it matters any day, just happens to be true in this case, maybe there is some cultural thing I do not understand, I’d ask but, I just remember the parents always seemed appalled that their two little girls always joyfully broadcast out monumental smiles and genuine loving hellos to absolutely  everyone (my dog included) as they went up and down the street on their big wheels, I catch them watching me as I tend to my bamboo, I catch a hand wave now and again (and their folks disapprove with looks)…

I get it, we all cope differently, I think some have welcomed the isolation super gladly, I thought I might be the same, but a couple of weeks in, my ship yearned for shore, maybe not a popular resort port but definitely some semblance of the dry land of old…

and yeah… this is part of my Porch series… an ongoing thing…

the rabbit and the fox (nj driving)

the rabbit and the fox (nj driving)

state-police-cars-5ca53217ffef0e94

/rant-on
I do not think of myself (normally) as prey, maybe I should, maybe I shouldn’t, maybe it is like picking out your clothing for the day, formal? work? play? prey? I suppose… but there is the game, this pure silliness was put on hiatus for some months now as far as I could tell, but now is back in full bloom, at least this day, of course I am referring to the state troopers on stake out or look out on the roads north, arbitrary speed limits that change by town, speed limit signs covering construction zones that are not active today (the excuse is a safety issue which is fine if there are workers actually present, I get that), so what the hell is speeding anyway? I can be driving @ 80mph, all alone, and safely, or driving 45 weaving in and out of traffic like a blind bezerker on crack, or not even know where the hell I am, so which is the worse offense? everyone knows (with a little historical search) that speed limits were set back in the 70s due to the fuel crisis, which now, is actually a surplus situation, but those regulations have not… wait for it… wait for it… been brought up to speed, POW! pun play in the house! so I have become a lip reader, well, ok, more like a tail light whisperer and at the same time mentally noting the particular location enclaves of the traps, I imagine rabbits are the same, the ones that live have surely avoided such pitfalls, I imagine myself as such, mr. clean driving record that I am, it all seems so random though, I am not a speed junkie or speed demon or speed anything, but am I some rogue element for clicking a speed a bit above on a perfectly straight (mostly) road in near perfect conditions? sheer random stupidity given today’s car safety, although I have to say I am either lucky or crafty, or both, as I have managed to avoid the net cast out to catch my fellow speed crooks, perhaps this is all due to a rabbit’s foot.
/rant-off

notes… no dis to the troopers whatsoever but they certainly have better things to do with their time than hand out speeding tickets.

threading the loopholes of time…

threading the loopholes of time…

Canary_A2002186_1155_250m

a needle’s guide, finding the eddies in everyday life, break down to now, trimming to shape one of my bamboo bushes (bamboo comes in many forms not just the tall stuff you see those ultra cute Pandas chomping on), anyway, seems so mundane, doesn’t it? but (you know a big ‘but’ was coming sirmixalot), BUT this leads to that space, a sort of zen space, my version of bonsai time I suppose… some describe time as a river, always moving (assuming no dry season, I will have to parse that one out with Einstein on the other side I suppose), there I times when I have imagined, if there is a bank, if I could swim on over, grab a branch, some downed tree, and crawl up on the shore, even if for a moment or more, to be outside of time as it were, or was, or is, or… well, you get the drift (pun intended), finding the eddy, putting your finger in, being aware you are within the counter to the norm, the space where time seems to stand at attention, or still, if you will, now certainly I am no fool (contrary to reports you may have heard, perhaps she was right in some regard, regardless), time does not truly stand still (ever), anyway, finding those activities, hobbies, proclivities, situations, permutations, active participation in the moments where time finds a way to slip your mind, to fall away from any perception of the moment in hand, or on hand, or in your hands, like a flame dancing in your grasp without burning you, because you are the owner of this momentary reality outside normal parameters, thinking outside the box that there is no more box, for you see, there are times we are virtually occupying these spaces, usually without realization, so… trimming my bamboo, slowly pulls me into an eddy of calm, I am not even dawned upon that I am gone, the world is still moving about, surely, but I am lost in a sea of my own tranquility, unknowingly, and when I realize, then, of course, the moment is gone, where did the time go? sped up? “impossible” we’re told, why? that is the best we understand at this rest area of the human mind, but surely, and of this I am sure, the road goes on, the river does not cease, but every rare once in a while, the cosmos, god, the essence of life provides, a door, an escape hatch, a slide into temporary reprieve from the ponderous heft of time, so be sure to notice and thread the needle through the loophole’s eye, and look, and breath in the free space that was created just for you…

only in New Jersey (a traffic rant, yes, traffic)

only in New Jersey (a traffic rant, yes, traffic)

road closed signage
Photo by Athena on Pexels.com

so, I am back at work physically (at least a few days a week), although I have been working this entire time from home (thankfully, I do count myself lucky in that regard)… the first week back on a flex schedule was M / W / F… and man alive the drive was easy peasy, usually the Parkway is quite verboten on any weekday during normal times so I would avoid it like I avoid people these days during this covid plague, anyway the commute is literally 26 miles so I was only on the road forty minutes tops each day… truly a pleasure, listening to tunes while cruising, all the toll booths are breezy cashless EZ pass lanes, BUT… I should have known better, I should have smelled the trap awaiting me, lulling my finely tuned Jersey senses to sleep, oh Jersey, you tricky devil, I admit it, ya’ got me, and so transitions into this week…

sunlight beaming on green trees
Photo by WARREN BLAKE on Pexels.com

Tuesday: I think nothing of anything blinded by my experience last week, hop on the Parkway in the morning, cruising right along, not a care in the world, and then DEAD STOP, all lanes shut down to one, one.  ONE ! one, as in singular, as in a choke point dropped from the ever loving sky, as in “you have got to be F%&*!@# kidding me” one, rush hour, this is rush hour, it had been anything but… but it is still rush hour for those who are actually commuting, infuriating… and the cherry on top of this frustration sundae was an accident at or near the point of lanes colliding into that single file crawling snake of vehicles, awesome! I was past the point of any realistic turn off, I had no choice but to take my medicine, foul tasting as it was, and swallow it whole, two hours pass (super… slowly…), yes, two hours to go all of 15 miles, just the way you want to start your day! wouldn’t ya’ say?

angry man is screaming
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Thursday: OK, I may not be Einstein but I am not dumb either (somewhere in between I hope, I would like to think more towards the former), I am not making the same mistake twice, so I opt for the Turnpike, “there can’t possibly be a problem with eight lanes” (I think, well, you know what’s coming…), just for grounds-work sake, and those out of state, the Turnpike is split between truck lanes and car lanes (literally separate roadways), well, in the infinite, or non, wisdom of those who run these things, the entire truck lanes portion was closed, construction? who knows, all I saw was cones and lots of empty… lovely, empty roadway, for miles, not a dump truck, not a yellow vest, not a flashing yellow beacon of some semblance of work, just vast emptiness teasing me with it’s very existence, so all the huge trucks are piled into the car side, for me, I have to say, I do not like being between tractor trailers, it is like driving in New York City with the skyscrapers dancing around you, perception? OK, my reality, anyway, this was not quite as bad as Tuesday was, but that is like comparing breaking your leg to breaking your foot, am I being overly dramatic? perhaps, either way it sucked, I was late once again which isn’t the worst thing in the world but it sure is annoying.

one

Thursday night: OK, so I decide to go back to the Parkway, do I even need to tell you what happened? I suppose not but it involves all the lanes being shut down save one, sometimes this is like a weird low stakes version of russian roulette, you have to guess which lane is the one you should be in to win, otherwise you are stuck in merge-hell for miles, especially since some people act as if that one car space they took instead of allowing alternate merging is worth it or is getting them to their destination faster (hint genius: it’s not), with one little bit of luck for once I was all the way to the right, which happened to be the lane of choice, at least for this Jersey traffic gauntlet tonight, these times are the times I do question my living here, I have to say, but at least when I got home the mutt was there, unaware of course, or maybe cosmically aware (who knows?), forcing me to give her some love, and I must admit, dog’s can melt anger into nothingness, if you just let them…

Postscript: Saturday AM, Turnpike, there was construction, entire sections blocked off, I can’t win, I swear, but with so few cars on the road… I did make it in, on time (by a hair). And then my manager says “why are you here, you could have worked from home”…grrr… I should have brought the dog… (and yes that is her in the photo)

observational observations, whimsical

observational observations, whimsical

silhouette of flying birds
Photo by Wendy Wei on Pexels.com

(sometimes stream of consciousness is just unfiltered observation, this is a translation of today)

a pair of geese fly over, I imagine married, one with a declarative honk, the other acknowledges grunt, and the sound I hear is “yes, dear”, and then they are gone (and yes they were socially distant).

staring at the tuning fork tree, because, well, it resembles a tuning fork, I am fixated on the view between the tines, what if that was all I ever knew, my universe, that little space was my entire world perceived, all the rest is apart from my view in that scenario, unknown to me, but yet, now, I can actually see beyond those tines, what I perceive to be all around, but what might I be actually missing inside the tines of my mind, I wonder, or be gracious for what I have seen, I ponder.

I project to talk with the breeze, not for answers, nor for a conversation, just to say thanks, for the wind is tireless at work, and sleeps only in the escape of space.

notes… went back to the office today, been nearly two months, my desk, well, it’s still mine, and no one stole my stash of hand sanitizer I had (bought way before the pandemic, a three pack at staples of like monster size and also clorox wipes), it was a strange thing, I felt apprehension at times, but those who have been doing this for weeks seemed more relaxed, I guess I will be the same in time, I must admit I am not comfortable at all there, even if we are running a skeleton crew (literally two) but our technicians are bringing back machines/parts from the city every day, that freaks me out, especially since this article today… those are all stores I know, and people I actually trained at some point, damn, it is still hot close here… but I made it I hope, tons of hand-washing, hand sanitizer, wipes, masks, all that, but every cough, every sneeze in the doors just flames that little flame somewhat… my good friend, a co-worker for 15 years, his wife has an auto immune disorder, a real rare one, and he seems ok with all this and she is good, so I guess I should be, but maybe my mind just does not work that way… but I am trying… and tonight was such a nice night it helped me drain out the doubt, a fallacy? perhaps, but damn it felt good…

thought.

thought.

animal animal photography avian birds
Photo by Matthias Zomer on Pexels.com

singular mourning dove up on a wire, tiny silhouette painted against the grey shifting tide, coming storm, pays no mind, doves have distinct bodies, angular, familiar, kind of like a heart if you stare long enough, of course you would have to pop off it’s head, ‘what a morbid thought’. I thought, and so it is but I thought it anyway, not as if the bird was in any real danger, the wire is quite high, I could never reach it, plus I am afraid of heights, also, I don’t own a gun…

notes… hey, sometimes I am in a goofy mood, this would be one of those times… gallows humor is fine to swing on through at times, like this one

Thoughts from the porch… (me canto es su canto)

Thoughts from the porch… (me canto es su canto)

woman looking out of car window
Photo by Anastasia Shuraeva on Pexels.com

1)
here comes the sun, “cue the music my good man, make it so!” (hey, I have been watching Picard, slack me), and so by comparison this is a bounty, a parade, a glorious celebration, when not taking phone calls about windows computing pratfalls I venture outside to literally soak it in, the applied balm for what ills when stuck inside for days at a time, behind brooding clouds and held down by winds of lousy content, the rain is good for the green but perhaps not for the heart I think, maybe not the most scientific method, but in this, I must trust, something else – instinct.

abstract arachnid atmosphere atmospheric
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

2)
a single spider thread catches my eye, winking in the sunlight like a mirrored line, just one thread, not a web, a prelude to a night trap, and I can see the quarry, there is a small swarm of some type of insect milling about, haphazard to my eye but they know their own purpose, no doubt, a mild winter and a wet spring, there will be lots of bugs around this summer (pun intended if you catch my drift), but these winged fellows are not bothering me, so I can’t hate them for their relations, their pesky cousins and whatnot, we all have them after all, we choose our friends, not our families, I imagine insects are the same, can’t blame the fireflies for the mosquitoes, at least that seems unreasonable to me, it would be easy to parlay hate of one insect bite into a whole genus, and that would be unwise, besides, there is a chain in place, at least for now, a pecking order, or a picking at the buffet order, I imagine the spider putting on a bib, lining up a table, knife and fork in hand, ready for the bounty coming.

blur branch celebration christmas
Photo by Lum3n on Pexels.com

3)

the lower branches
the little ones, as I call them, finches and that sort to be clear, seem to love the bosom of the bottom branches of the bushes, especially the evergreens, the short ones, the stout ones, vertically challenged I believe is the ‘nome de acceptable’ (my term)… either way, it leads me to think of the lower branches, certainly not as much sunlight, not as easy to navigate than the outer reaches, protection from the rain perhaps, the sanctity of closed spaces, for three, four, more I see them, darting in and out like feathered laser beams, so exact, quick, manic seeming even, I wonder if I resemble that after three cups of coffee, or so I am told I can be high wired, these little ones, a maelstrom of fidgets, I imagine the lower branches appeal to their sense of security, or fear of heights? nah, that would be silly for a bird, not this one (me) but I should not transfer my human fears onto them, I take note of all the hierarchy, air and ground, what led each to such choices, noble patrolman, the robins, like guards, running back and forth on the grass, not bird-like at all, even squabbling over land claims with their own, blue jays seem undecided, maybe they just take the best of both land and wind, I see them scavenging on lawn and wing, the mourning doves content to feed on feeder scraps, easily spooked and fled, with their tell tale ‘coo coo’, nature has produced many successful designs, mine included, I just wonder which branch I would gravitate to, how about you?

woman wearing black top
Photo by Anderson Miranda on Pexels.com

4)

I can see the wind
what a strange thought, not literal, but yet not false, entirely, wind is sometimes a bludgeon, other times a feather swipe, today she is cascading, moving across in an unmarked mass leaving footprints across all the leaves, and there is where I can see her, flowing across the surface, as the branches bend and release, ever closer, I can see her approaching, and then in an instant she has rushed over me like water on an outcrop river  rock, as I am not a natural thing with my feet roots not quite firmly planted like most everything else, I happen to be observing, an interloper of sorts, that is, and this is more of a gentle deliberate freight train, so behind in steps sisters the same, nearly the same bends and waves as I watch them approach, anticipating the moment of break upon my space, across my face, my hands, temporarily dousing the warm of sun, so you can be lullaby-ed again by rays in the next moment, ah the blessed sun, where have you been hiding all these days?

notes… well, a mixed bag incidentally, so am I, I must admit the muse seems more absent these days, maybe, but what do I know ? this was all written today in various forms and modes, things catch my eye, my pen is another thing, my pen… or this keyboard, sometimes it varies, lately it has been all freeform for the most part, stream of consciousness and the like, the poems seem faint and distant, I have a well I can draw from but man that all seems old, I like to post new, I have hundreds of pages of material, but after you move on and look back? it seems old, dated,  there is really nothing like the immediate…

thoughts from the porch… (lions on lawns)

thoughts from the porch… (lions on lawns)

silhouette of dandelion behind sun
Photo by Negative Space on Pexels.com

my index finger and thumb stained with the yellow of slain dandelion heads, how visceral my hatred is for these little beasts, I can not say the origin or recall, I’ve just known these are the bane of all lawns since the dawn of the great suburbia, invaders, interlopers, never to question that they must be rooted out like cancer cells that threaten the purity of the host, staring down at my yellow fingers I realize all this silliness and history stored within me, items we have just taken, absorbed, whole and then compartmentalized for a lifetime, how foolish, but how human, how me.
instead, these lions should be seen as more, they are heralds, bright harbingers of the spring, even with edible leaves, and then there is the transformation, from a golden disc that sings then sleeps, then without even the cocoon of a butterfly, up rises the perfect disco ball of cotton spires, delicate sphere loaded with airships to transport the future to all corners the imagination or wind or beast can reach, a lottery which odds are obviously good, a simple engine of design, probably will outlast all our technology, the simple dandelion, to be admired, truly.

notes… listen up and listen good, I was there in that audience in 1994 about 20 rows back left of the stage, listen all the way through, you’ll thank me…  just listen… this footage was cut from the official release… but trust me, in person it was electric… and when they did Manic Depression, they brought the house down…

a hot new jersey minute…

a hot new jersey minute…

people inside building
Photo by Naim Benjelloun on Pexels.com

I was driving to the local super market type place, right past the mall, and I will be damned, probably am, that the sucker’s parking lot is full, I don’t understand, to me these are like dinosaur bones propped up in a museum hall to be gawked at, well, apparently I am wrong, Jersey is a bastion of malls, apparently, to me they just remind me of the past, days gone by in another life, sort of the internet before there ever was one, one giant complex you could walk into and find everything you could possibly imagine, clothing, sure, that was always the first corridor and all the gateways, but then the big open space in the middle, shoes, electronics, the music store (remember those?), food, pottery and cookware, and inevitably a thousand more clothing places, pane windows filled with reflections of all the wide eyed consumer faces, spaces laced with escalators, little vendor carts with baubles, custom t shirts or hats, cheap jewelry, mobile massage parlors of sorts with water somehow, sometimes there would be a car on display, yes, very much like the internet, no Ebay, and then of course, the crowning jewel, the creme de la creme for me, the arcade, the shining city in the sky, the arcade, home game systems at the time just could not shine and mesmerize in those days like the live ones, Atari Tank against sit down Afterburner II? not even a contest my friend, the coin etiquette, placing that coin up on the ledge in line, pledging your intent, planting your flag as it were, “I’m next”, this quarter says so, and that was the law of the land, a true sugar rush as quarters or tokens hemorrhaged out of your grasp, Gauntlet? I probably paid off the programmers mortgage… TMNT 4 player, The Simpsons one too, learning all the tricks to trick the change machine, photocopied bills, bills with fishing lines attached, not saying I did those things, I just ‘heard’ about them, ahem, let’s move on… all before the internet, this was the gathering place we had, as strangers, the mall, so distant that all seems ago, I still can’t believe it is here, flanked by chain restaurants like guardhouses, also packed this eve, Olive Garden? with all the amazing or just above average Italian places in every nook and cranny, around every other corner, this is not the Olive Garden state people! I guess never ending pasta bowls are a panacea for ills, or just a place so generic it covers all the wills from the grumpy old to the fidgety new… back to the mall, I thought retail was dead, Jersey didn’t get the memo apparently, I honestly can not remember the last time I stepped into this place… but like many things my experience does not the truth make…

flashbacks, history, memories, reality…

flashbacks, history, memories, reality…

IMG_4811

the ice bucket

I’d almost forgotten you exist, buried back there, you probably have not seen the sun in a decade, the house is quite empty now, quite quiet indeed, no kids feet running rambling, glasses clanging, wine corks thunking, seltzer gurgling, conversations rising sometimes hanging, sports on the TV, pictures of kinders, munching on crackers and platters and dips, how many years has it been, those family get togethers were so common back then, thinking back they feel like a monthly occurrence even though they certainly were not, and certain things were always there to please the crowd, the cloth napkins, certain dishes and certain glassware laid out, the fold up tables from down stairs set up to accommodate the flood of thirty or so relatives, the extra folding metal chairs, stored in the back of the hall closet, black marker marks on the bottoms as to not be confused with the extras brought in, what a fiasco that would be, to lose a chair to a relative you are most certainly to see again, at least for a few more gatherings in that same year, this all seems so distant now, almost blurry, fuzzy, looking down at you my old friend, a companion, a contemporary, a holdover, a memory trigger, from that time ago, your place of prominence on the table, brimming with fresh made ice from the fridge, gleaming silver tongs just under your lid, like a functional centerpiece you did reign, where did this all go, where did everything go, I guess, we all succumb to age, and change, and the accustomed customs wind up out by the curb for pickup, someday, maybe this day, maybe not, you cleverly survived by hiding in the back recess of a cabinet barely touched or ventured in, but for what? a surprise, or just a ticket to a time gone by, people gone by, time that has moved on beyond usefulness, I think I might put you back, at least for a while, and maybe every now and again, might I seek you out, to trigger fond memories of lives and holidays of a by gone day, when I need a smile, to remember not just youth, to remember everyone at that time, as they were with my eyes as I was… like a child running around in a forest of trees to which one day I would grow up to be…