yes, this goes out to the one I love… how much simpler can I get.. how much can implore you not to be me… my regret is, I am a romantic moron, a purist… an absolutist… I hate myself for it but how do you break the chains of your own construct? fuck me… I am 50 and still harbor utterly stupid insecurities… guilty… I wish there was a guide for this, I would think there should be by now… why has it taken me so long to not give a shit about … well, anything, especially since my life is closer to death than it is life… and perhaps kids… it is the type of thing that can drive you nuts about life… just venting I guess, who cares what I post, probably no one, but if it resonates with anyone… I am cool with that, that was always the point of this space, me being me, today, well, tonight I am just lost, not in a bad way, like suicide… which I have considered so many times over the years in theory only… but I never came close to action, I understand it… in some ways… like we all die, so why wait… or total pain, but maybe I am afraid of that as well… or both circumstances… I don’t know, in 1000 years my words will be lost and nothing anyway, but I say hold on to life as long as you can… because we have nothing else to hold onto and nothing else we can know or have known… damn it is a lot to contemplate… and I do… and it bothers me… I am alone. and I dont mind it, but I regress to the time I was with her… even now, but I am so wired different, I used to think there was something wrong with me… no. I am me… we are all wired different and that is why we need these spaces and talk to each other… nothing has changed in the digital age… be with people and talk to people, that connection can never be replaced… now you have more people to communicate with… do it with love in your heart.