cobblestones, speak to feet like stepping stones in lines as streets, perhaps- like a cousin brick, invokes the memories- of horses and spokes when we first lost touch with the ground below
just something that popped in my head… that is how it goes, sometimes it flows, sometimes I am silent, I don’t force it, if you like my stuff, just wait, I come in waves…
I wish I was right in leaving- but everything since says I was wrong.
and yet- the deceiving, the less admission of my own part,
if I only knew everything and as all else now the comparison would be easy.
I was thinking of her, Mirsa, as usual.. I hate myself for hanging on to my past, I love her to this day but wronged her in so many ways… I am flawed… I use actions to prove love, not words, and that is sometimes the wrong path with many people… but goddamn, I am me, I am who I am… but damn I had the most beautiful woman in the world in love with me and fucked it up, yes, there is women who are into me since, but… I dunno… nothing makes the same sense… and nothing is the same, she changed me which is what makes my heart break.
time in palm is gone- before even the sensation- renders on
We are truly in an impossible situation but with no choice but to ride the river. We can fight, we can crumble, we can succumb, we can do anything but… none of it matters in the simple face of time, the game we chose not to play but are inserted regardless… I often wonder if that is what life is after “death”… we just exist outside the flow of time, my best analogy is on a river bank as we watch the world go by, the flow, like a reality TV show and here we site for all non time, our little rapids run a snapshot unable to interact back as the dimension we were in has surely moved on, without even the courtesy of a bus stop, or a heartbeat, we are thrown off that bull with no clowns to surround, and then we stay, once existed we can not be just… erased, that existence stays in the record outside time, even if our very fibers are ripped apart to make another tribe… such is the vicious and just tribunal of time…
as of late I have been observing a skulk of juvenile foxes near my house, sitting out, putting some goodies (berries and nuts) out on this big hunk of rock that sits on my lawn (removed when the foundation of the house had to be built), there were three of them, at once they all seemed identical but as the days (or nights) have worn on they have certainly grown at different rates, and now it seems, after abundant encounters observing them, I am down to one, when night after night I could make a simple call they would come out of the woodwork to check out my offerings, a short span, maybe just a few odd weeks, but time is such a devil, such a tease, things like these seem like they will stretch out forever, but never do, so now, last night, after many a night of not seeing any of my local crew, just one appeared after I waited a bit, from a direction I was not expecting, the last remnant I suppose, the most tiny and scrawny of the bunch, a cautious gate, as if walking not to break tissue paper, each paw light as a feather following the other, foxes have a subtle dance like they are ashamed but of course that is just my human projection on many years of evolution, but just the same, I can only report what my eyes record, the scrawny one grabs up a blackberry and I can hear the merry chomping along, perhaps it has only been a few days long since I saw one, or the three, but pause always feels like an eternity compared to these moments of realized reality, a simple lesson really, about patience, and perspective, and the nature of things, and well, the nature of nature, so I wonder how long this might last, this new resident and this old one, well I suppose then I can only wait until the next setting sun, and see if my friend once more comes, and if so, be grateful for that.
sometimes there is just shrieking and feathers and then the sudden silence
I try to be patient, and have patience… but when you know a person is just wired to unwire you… what do you do… mostly I can calm myself, I can see the wave coming in… and react properly, but sometimes you get tired of turning the sails from that foul wind… and want to put up a brick wall…
the mind is the overlord even in darkened places comfort bears witness to come to the immediate minute to approach the impending hour to reach the next day seemingly a cocoon of protection as eyes subscribe slowly dim (and even to pale darkness) grim hopes then baked into the crumbs of sustenance and such- the opposite of an opulent feast full taught belly wages- so this too is reality.
bit none the outside does tame the lash and laments that! time marches forth with no repent – of the mind that bends reality, for wall the lens and all the show, the circus hence- but yes, like bricks in a barrel can tip a barrow so too is the shadow a break, a crack just like that, an infection may creep in or more insidious – a cancer to burrow and fester for the later-
for as a single entity and to protect the identity and form survival of the fittest in our animal sense may be the invitation of death so I might request the best defense from ourselves is the eyes and observation of our pack.
a new cause on the wind, an ecosystem bends and changes, the housing all seems the same, the seasonal tides remain if slightly altered here and there, a long winter, a short one, some determined by the shadows of furry little ones, an indian summer, a harvest moon, a tempest, a teapot, a near monsoon, but this year a few new visitors have met, or emerged, never seeing more than one around these parts, now there is a skulk, the official word for a pack of foxes, albeit juveniles riling up the lines of dusk and dawn, little darts and clowns, bursting with curiosity and the retreat of supreme carefulness, but nothing might seem to trump the urge of both hunger and said curiosity, which may have killed a cat or two, but these three are not that, cats, that is, even if their manner at time might suggest so, but not surely dogs either with their easy come and go, so I lure them to a certain spot, out there on my sitting rock, so I can observe and perhaps indulge in their youthful exuberance and perhaps steal a bit for my own, waiting for time seems like hours when only ten odd minutes pass, makes me jealous of the Attenborough’s of the world, and appreciative of the chance, for when that moment comes, you want to jump and cheer out of your chair, but you must maintain your steely resolve, take a breath, and take the moment in, for as long as the minutes waiting seem, the waiting happenings flash, but take heart, those seemingly wasted moments fill up like a reservoir to be had and shared, seeing the cycle of life, like a movie spent bare, upon a rock, in my yard, laid out with apple slices to the delight of a few kits, in spring, the warm air, all is magic now, with glowing eyes in the light of my camera, everything new, everything grand, not one winter between them just a run of the land they claim their own amongst us going about our important lives.
among all this a cauldron for we are in thrown about the business the veil of our lives fueled by our eyes- which can only see but a short distance, only to a horizon perhaps- even with enhanced lenses spun out on the pinwheel we ride all life, all life we know is tucked in here we wish to see a reflection somewhere a mere blip on the radar even if one- a glimpse a loch ness monster of the cosmos even for our vast oceans we barely know, ourselves the strange depths do not compare to that ever stretching cold- spiked with stars and suns blazing blisters as have spun and died to become the domain of nothing of the reverse, a hole so black as to swallow sight the same sight we are so sure shows us the world in true but so little so very little in truth, when we can not even skip a jack over to our near neighbor, dear andromeda and perhaps find some poker partners to freshen up our game, the river and the odds?
notes: this is back to basics for me… unedited, as is, sure, some of my usual ideas, but I am who I am and I think about what I think about… but this is totally off the top of my head as I wrote it which is sort of the point of what I do… not perfection… just my brain working the way whatever deity intended…
if you see something beautiful, take the moment to stop and take it in… and a picture so you can go back there in your mind and share with those you are for… life is racing by, don’t just stop and smell the roses, listen to the birds, the songs of frogs, the symphony of water… (Baker’s Pond, Franklin Lakes, NJ)
I was always of the brand that I was born of the castle (grand) so unto her I felt the draw not knowing the truth at all but true my birth was but a flaw a child floated down the nile same abandoned willingly- this time, left to bathe upon that river of chance to be plucked up by whomever might have fished out for a child that day- of course I do not recall the voyage, the arrival, anything but lore but lore does not feed nor clothe, no nor does a babe grow and understand the chore, so here I am to reconcile my high born, aspirations imaginations- delusions- illusions- bedtime comfort wrapped comforts, so how easily from a rampart look down a tower’s stone, over the dawn when all the while, with eye bent just a hill or optical illusory meant for I am no more than a pull a push, an oxen rent- to pull radishes with hands soil to render under nails the black no famed purple cloak can hide this fact and there is no real difference then between high tapestries and dirt linens spent.