I am wired how I am wired.
I am not outwardly loving or touchy or things of that sort (even though I am obviously a deep romantic at heart). I have always believed in and acted on actions, not words, not ceremony, not circumstance like made up holidays (birthdays and such). For that I am seen as uncaring, unloving and judged as such by most. I have steeled myself against such things over these many years because I am true to myself and my beliefs. But that does not make me a monolith or invulnerable for those who can not see me for who I am and how I am (and have always been). There is some urge among “normal” people for you to act as they act. I am just not an outwardly emotional person and that is confused for lack of caring even if my deeds far outweigh the bullshit people exchange as intimate currency daily. I see all that as window dressing. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. I can not be the one who does calls out the other side as they would call out me as inauthentic. But surely the masses defend and seem to bend like reeds in the common wind to such things.
So the long short of things, my mother is in old age, and I am caring for her, as she cared for me, I owe her, obviously. Or maybe that is not obvious but seems what I have to do. I take care of all her needs to keep her in her home and to keep the lights on. But somehow it is not enough. Sometimes that dyke breaks and I forget my place. Rarely though… but there is another relative taking advantage of her but she loves him, clearly, more than me, always has, it is debilitating feeling at times, to do the right thing, and be slapped back for it, yes, I go on, but at times I fail in my pillars to be the rock that I usually am, especially if the one I actually make everything for accuses me of not loving anyone or caring about anyone, when it is plain as day to me, all my actions are there, as right as you can be, the sting of words can still come as I believe that is what is in the heart of those accusing them, in the end, being right or doing the right thing does not always pay dividends but you must persevere, I want to quit, especially these days, say f you to the damn process, but doing the right thing is not always an easy way, if it was, this world would be a much better place.

Just writing this has helped me comport some feelings, maybe re-load the tank. Perhaps to point my ship right back into the storm.