…this is certainly a pendulum I postulate, and much like the afore mentioned swinger I too sway back and forth at times, having a sharp memory is both an anchor and an anchor, swift to hold me in harbor and swifter to hold me from other ports of call, usually I post a song after my little missives, today, tonight, all depending on your lati and longi, I posted above the fold, as for many, a song can transport you to a single moment of time, and no einstein-rosen bridge needed, truly a wonder of the human mind, if this were a happy memory…
I had just bought my first i-pod mini, up until then I was too cool for the apple school, such a maverick (rolls eyes at old self)… how could I just give in and ingest the evil fruit of the serpent Job’s tongue, no, I had to find every off brand thing I could, Zune… and some others I can’t even recall (and perhaps history will not either), one of the first albums I loaded into this wonderful little player was the album “Menos El Eso” which translated means “Minus the Bear” which is also the name of the band, how clever, of course I did not look that up for some time, so the irony of the album name was lost on me for a while at least…
so I find myself in Islamorada, the Florida keys, my first time back in the state since I left her, even if I almost feel like I never did in some ways (I am sure she would disagree), the moments, the week, seemed as if the whole world was meant for me to screen -like an exclusive movie premier, the hotel was nearly empty, one family besides me, oddly enough they were from my home state and town (what were the chances?), this particular hotel is a collection of suites (think condos) so even at capacity there is only eight rentals in this part of the resort, right on the water, Atlantic ocean staring at me in yards, a beach with a wall drop off at the end, I suppose due to tides the sand would just get swept away constantly, luckily, or by design more likely, there was a private dock, the dock stretched out about thirty feet give or take in a “T” formation, on the right portion of the T there was a rock circle or just a natural feature where you could dip your feet in while sitting on your duff on the dock, I called this little corner home most nights, looking out on the shimmering pure azure allure of tropical water, glistening like magic should, even just a hint of moonlight lit up the shallow ocean floor like an aquarium, even the thought of this memory washes over me right now with utter relaxation, the waves gently riding up against my feet and shins, the palm tree fronds above casting tiger stripes along the boards next to me, that soft tropical breeze stops by to whisper in my ear, caress my lobes as the song weaves a soundtrack that befits all I am inhaling with all my senses… god, I think, I could die here…
on some nights storms would roll in, like their own city-states floating islands, isolated and violent, lightning nit-picking and licking only portions of the sky where the certain collectives of clouds were comprised, like armies marching in abandoned rows, passing all around me but none above me as my toes wave back and forth in water with no effort, enjoying the little fish here to go and fro, wishing she was here, to forget the whole, and just be together with no words, no reason, just to pass into eternity with her by my side, no forgiveness given, just so she would know my heart once more.
I go back and forth, memory or none, anchor or moor, but regardless, I can not escape who I am, was or will become, sitting alone on a dock waiting for a miracle to come even with all the wonders of the world surrounding me, numb, wondering and knowing all I have done wrong, but somehow not judged except by my own thoughts, and there is no escape from that verdict, even in this space, but somehow, somewhere in there, a non speaking voice let’s me know all will be well, but I strain to hear it… in the din of my own mind, if I could only be as quiet as this godly tide…